


Let Me Be That I Am (And Seek Not To Alter Me)

by southdownsraph



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: ADHD, Adopted Character, Alternate Universe - College/University, Aziraphale is a masters student, Closeted Character, Crowley is an undergraduate, Homophobia, Intersex Character, Latinx Character, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, The Them are at university, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2020-11-08 17:26:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 45,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20839268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southdownsraph/pseuds/southdownsraph
Summary: Ezra is studying literature, and sitting in on a psychology module to inform his dissertation. Crowley is a psychology student, and Ezra can't help but notice him in their shared classes.It doesn't take them long to become firm friends, but with plenty of insecurities, issues, and baggage on both sides, can they manage to turn their friendship into something else?





	1. Chapter One

Crowley was That Kid in class. 

Ezra didn't tend to hear much of the undergraduate buzz, considering that he was only taking the module to inform his dissertation for his masters - which was in a completely different department - but this buzz was rather loud and obvious. 

Every time Crowley came to class, everyone would look. 

Sometimes he wore plain t-shirts paired with tight, low-waisted jeans, sometimes he wore a blazer style jacket with a waistcoat underneath, sometimes he wore silk button ups that hung off his frame beautifully, showing every curve of his shoulders. 

And then sometimes he wore dresses. 

Sometimes they were flowing and black, fabric that undulated as he walked, dramatic and showy and contained only by a belt around his slim waist. Sometimes they were short and tight and fitted, sometimes they were colourful, usually red or orange. But they were always, always paired with some kind of high heel. 

He'd come to class once in five inch stilettos, climbing up the stairs without any apparent difficulty, and throwing himself down in his seat to work. 

His makeup was always stunning as well. Sometimes his eyeshadow imitated fire, all bright oranges and reds and yellows. Sometimes it was dark and smudged, sometimes his winged eyeliner was so perfect some of the other students swore that he must have used a ruler. 

Most everyone else in the class didn't know what to make of any of this, and the buzz was especially loud after that one time he'd shown up late wearing a bright pink crop top and holding a frappuccino. For a nine a.m. lecture. 

But Ezra didn't struggle with that. 

He knew exactly what to make of him, and his feelings on the matter were easily summed up in one single word: _ hot. _

There was something about the man’s golden stare, and those luscious red curls that he so often wound up and trapped in a bun. Ezra considered pointing out to him that it should constitute a crime; trapping such beautiful hair, especially when it reached all the way down to the middle of Crowley's perfectly curved back, but he was too intimidated to talk to him. 

No, Ezra admired from afar, chewing on the end of his pen and watching him in lectures, in seminars. The other students were all similarly too intimidated to talk to him, or turned their noses up and made remarks that Ezra tried to forget he'd heard. 

He spoke to his friends about Crowley, chatting over coffee, over lunch, over drinks. Both of his close friends were used to updates on Crowley's latest outfits or the insightful comment he'd made in class, or some other something that had caught Ezra's eye. But they didn't seem to mind, so Ezra just kept telling them, unable to keep his thoughts off of him for very long in any case. 

It got worse when Ezra started seeing Crowley around campus more often. The guy had managed to make friends at last, and Ezra often saw him hanging out with them and laughing. It was hard not to get jealous, but he tried to dismiss the feeling as ridiculous - it wasn't like he knew him, after all. But that loner persona he put on in class just didn't seem to fit after seeing the way he interacted with his friends. With them, he seemed so bubbly and happy, cracking jokes and constantly grinning, whereas in class he seemed to almost be on the defensive; barely talking, never smiling, always on his own. 

That is, until about halfway through first term, when he finally let his guard slip for another early morning seminar. 

The other students were finally getting used to him by then, and when he dragged himself in in paint blotched sweatpants and a university hoodie, his hair tumbling down his back in tangled, unbrushed waves, he got more stares than he would have in a pair of thigh high boots. 

Crowley was usually keen, often sitting near the front, but that day he chose a table towards the back, throwing himself down a seat away from Ezra and folding his arms over his chest. That close up, Ezra could see he wasn't wearing any makeup, his freckles out on full display for the first time since the start of term. Ezra's heart skipped when he saw those beautiful stars scattered over his cheeks and nose, standing out dark against his rich tan skin, and he leaned towards him slightly, about to finally start a conversation when the lecturer began to talk; cutting him off before he could say anything. 

Fortunately for Ezra, there was a break in the middle of the seminar, and Crowley simply pulled out his phone, sighing as he leaned his elbow on the table and rested his forehead against his palm. His hair fell down around his face and he flicked it back over his shoulder with one irritable hand, his perfect skin glowing even under the horrible fluorescent lighting. His lips parted slightly, a soft sigh escaping as he dragged his hands down his face. 

"Rough night?" Ezra spoke up, finding his voice at last and swallowing hard as Crowley blinked in shock, turning to face him. 

"Hmm?" 

Ezra's heart raced in his chest, his breathing becoming a little shorter. "I-I was just asking if you had a...a uh, rough night. You...well, you seem tired." 

Crowley stared at him for a moment, as if still completely overcome with surprise that someone was actually talking to him. "Uhhh. Yeah, yeah. My flatmate had a really loud party last night while I was trying to get my essay done. Kept me up most of the night," he managed after just a moment or two, even sprinkling in a wan smile as his cheeks coloured ever so slightly. 

"I'm lucky I don't live on campus anymore," Ezra smiled, desperate to keep the conversation going, but not really sure how to continue. "Did you finish your essay?" 

Crowley nodded, his smile becoming a little warmer, his eyes softening slightly. "Yeah, I submitted it this morning. It was worth it, just...really tiring. You’re not an undergraduate, then?" 

Ezra leaned a little closer across the table, studying those perfect little freckles and the smudged eyeliner still clinging to the corners of Crowley's eyes. "No, I'm actually in the first year of my masters," he admitted, and Crowley's golden eyes widened in surprise. 

"What are you doing in this class, then?" 

Ezra shrugged one shoulder. "I take it to help with my masters. It’s on the presentation of psychological disorders in English literature over time, so I need to have at least a basic knowledge of psychology. I only take this class, though." 

Crowley smiled, his eyes bright as he rested his chin in his hand, watching Ezra with such an intense gaze, he thought he might just melt. "That's really interesting. So you did literature for your undergrad?" 

Ezra swallowed, his mouth suddenly a little dry as those unwavering, interested eyes pinned him down, reminding him he could say the wrong thing at any time. "Uh...y-yeah, I um. I did. Hey, can I ask you something?" 

Crowley quirked an impeccably groomed eyebrow, his smile growing closer to a smirk. "I don't know, depends on what it is." 

Ezra almost choked on an inhale. Not only was that expression on that stunning face incredibly irresistible, he had no idea how to reply to this, and his heart was still pounding in his chest. "Well, uh…" he began shakily, glancing towards the front of the room simply as an excuse to look away from that intense golden gaze. "What um...what pronouns do you use?" He forced out, and Crowley chuckled, dropping his hand to the table as he leaned back slightly. 

"You don't need to be nervous about that, you know. It's not an offensive question." 

"I know, but-" Ezra protested, feeling as if he had to defend himself, but Crowley just cut him off quietly, a small smile playing at his lips. 

"I usually use masculine pronouns, but neutral ones are fine too," he said, his eyes softening slightly as the smile grew wider. "Thank you for asking." 

Ezra nodded, his breathing still a little too shallow and quick for comfort. "Sure...I um, I always like your outfits," he choked out, desperate for something else to say. Crowley nodded slightly, tucking his unruly hair back behind his ears. 

"I've noticed. Everyone else always stares and some of them make rude comments, but you never...I noticed that you just seem...I don't know," Crowley mumbled, looking down at the table as he tried to find the right words. "You just don't look at me the same as everyone else," he finished lamely, then sighed and let his gaze drift back up to meet Ezra's.

Ezra swallowed, overcome with the feeling that he had to say something, but without any clue of what to say. Besides, the dusting of color that had risen to Crowley's cheeks as he was talking was a rather difficult distraction to ignore. 

"I don't think many of the other students in this class like me much," Crowley admitted in a soft voice, glancing around as if afraid they might be listening. His blush darkened further, but his eyes were still bright as they went back to Ezra's, searching and worried. 

"I uh...I don't think that's necessarily true," Ezra managed, forcing a small smile. "I think at least a few of them are just intimidated." 

Crowley huffed a breath and leaned back in his chair, folding his arms over his chest. "I'm not so sure about that," he replied, just as the lecturer reappeared and turned the projector on again.

* * *

Crowley waited for Ezra when class was over, stuffing his things into his backpack much quicker than Ezra could manage and standing by his chair patiently. Once Ezra had finally stowed his notebook away and swung his bag onto his shoulder, Crowley began to walk, forcing Ezra to jog a pace or two to fall into step beside him. 

"Do you have a class now?" Ezra asked, a little breathless, and Crowley gave a curt nod.

"Yeah. It's statistics, I'm absolutely awful at it," he sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets as they walked towards the main square. "What about you?" 

"It's just free time for me," Ezra answered, glancing up towards the sky and the gathering clouds that threatened rain. "I've got some work to do in the library, though." 

Crowley stopped walking suddenly, chuckling as Ezra took a step or two, then halted quickly, feeling his cheeks already burning. 

"I have to go this way," Crowley grinned, gesturing to the right, away from the library. "I'll see you in class tomorrow, Ezra." 

"Y-yeah, see you!" Ezra stuttered out, then turned and hurried away, cursing himself over and over for his nerves. He was almost in front of the library doors when he realised Crowley had never asked him his name. 

* * *

That evening, Ezra managed to extricate himself from the library long enough to wander down to the main student union restaurant. Anathema was already waiting for him at one of the tables, so he waved and went up to the bar to order a lemonade. 

Once the drink was acquired, he headed over to the table, sitting down across from his friend and setting his backpack down on the floor. 

"Hey, how's it going? You look flustered," Anathema chuckled, taking a sip from her wine glass as she watched Ezra critically. 

He just sighed and ran a hand through his hair nervously, glancing around the bar. "I um. I spoke to Crowley this morning. He sat down next to me and we talked in the break. But I…" he winced, quickly looking down into his drink as surprise filled Anathema's expression. "I think I botched it." 

To his own surprise, Anathema just chuckled, tapping her long, perfect nails against the side of her glass. "I doubt it, Ezra. You're always too worried about talking to people, and besides, that guy is one hundred percent a top. He probably finds your stuttering endearing." 

Ezra groaned, dragging his hands down his face and letting out a deep sigh. "You're definitely making it worse," he mumbled, then dropped his hands to the table and tried to glare at his friend, but he didn't have the heart. 

"Don't worry, he'll be your boyfriend in a matter of weeks," Anathema teased, and Ezra's eyes widened, his heart suddenly racing, thundering against the inside of his ribcage. 

"Don't say it too loud! God, are you _ trying _ to announce it to the whole university?" He hissed, and Anathema just raised an eyebrow. 

"I said it quietly, don't take that tone with me. Look, if you want to discuss him literally every time we talk, I think you can manage a little teasing." 

Ezra sighed, guilt flickering through him as he let out another long, shuddering breath. "I'm sorry, it's not...it's not about that, anyway. It's-" 

"I know what it's about, you don't need to say it," Anathema interrupted gently, taking pity on her friend at last. "Come on, I'm sure this morning wasn't that bad. What happened when you left class?" 

"He said he'd see me tomorrow," Ezra mumbled dejectedly, resting his elbow on the table and his cheek in his hand as he stirred his drink with the straw absentmindedly. 

"There you go," Anathema grinned, leaning back in her chair confidently. "I bet you he sits next to you again tomorrow." 

Ezra shook his head slightly, dropping the straw and just staring at the bubbles in his glass. "I don't want to get hopeful," he sighed, just as he heard footsteps and Anathema looked up. 

"Hey guys!" Newt called as he hurried over, his voice cheerful and friendly. Ezra groaned softly and gave Anathema a look, to which she replied with a nod. He couldn't take Newt's teasing today, he wasn't in the mood. 

As soon as Newt was sitting down next to Anathema, she pulled him into a quick kiss, her fingers wrapped around his jaw. Ezra just stared at the table sullenly, feeling rather more lonely than usual in their company. 

"Did you get much done in the library today, Ezra?" Anathema asked gently, and he finally lifted his gaze, forcing a small smile.

"Yeah, it's going well. I was a little distracted today, though," he pointed out softly, and Anathema just chuckled, picking up her wine glass again. 

"Aren't we all? It's supposed to snow tomorrow, so everyone's in a tizzy, but it's _ November _. It's not like it's actually going to happen." 

"But the weather says-" Newt tried, only to be interrupted sharply. 

"Newt, it's ten whole degrees today, we're not getting snow tomorrow," Anathema snapped, but there was a playful look in her eye. Newt sighed heavily and shot Ezra a put-upon look, to which he just shook his head in answer. 

He was used to their bickering; always in the spirit of fun, always over inconsequential things like the weather. He'd never seen them actually argue, but their relationship was definitely about fifty percent bickering. 

"It seems unlikely," Ezra added, taking a sip from his drink and letting his gaze settle on the pool table, where a group was just setting up. There was a soft crack and the balls spun, bouncing off one another and spreading out across the table. 

"It really does," Anathema agreed smugly, following Ezra's gaze and glancing at the pool table disinterestedly. "Do you guys remember that one guy from first year who like joined every society?" 

Ezra zoned out a bit at that, still watching the pool table, watching the coloured balls roll and drop. Every now and then, he'd nod or make an appropriate noise, until a tall figure slipped into the bar. 

"Oh look, it's your boyfr-" 

Ezra shot Newt a venomous look, then glanced back towards Crowley, watching him as he headed straight for the door at the back of the bar. 

"I see him in here a lot when I come in for lunch," Anathema announced matter-of-factly. "He never orders anything. I think he just comes in to use the gender neutral toilets, they're the easiest ones to find on campus." 

"Could be," Newt agreed, distracted by something on his phone. "I ran into him in one of the men's bathrooms in the north teaching centre like a couple weeks ago, though." 

"The NTC doesn't have gender neutrals," Anathema pointed out, and Newt nodded absently. 

"True. And someone did say something, maybe he stopped using them after that." 

Ezra felt his throat suddenly close up, his head turning sharply. "Wait, what?" 

Newt lifted his gaze to his friend's worriedly, his head tilting slightly. "You knew people made comments, right?" 

"Of course I did, but in a _ bathroom_? That's really disrespectful. What was said?" Ezra demanded, and Anathema snorted. 

"Generally speaking, bigots aren't too worried about being respectful," she pointed out, and Newt shot her a glance that had 'not helpful' written all over it. 

"I don't remember, it was something like the f-word. I didn't think he'd noticed, he just washed his hands and left," Newt answered quietly, his eyes locking onto Crowley as he slipped out of the door in the back and headed out of the bar. "He looks depressed today." 

Ezra bit his tongue, not ready to tell Newt about their interaction quite yet. Anathema, apparently remembering that look Ezra had sent her when Newt had first sat down, changed the subject. 

"Anyway, that girl in Newt's class first year who couldn't open a word document graduated, apparently. I saw on her facebook that she got her resit results." 

"Wow," Ezra answered dutifully, but he wasn't really listening. He was still staring at the last place he'd seen Crowley, listening to the click of the pool balls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this first chapter! <3   
If you enjoyed it, please leave a comment, it's always lovely to know what people think!   
<3<3


	2. Chapter Two

Crowley sat down next to Ezra heavily, setting a huge coffee cup down on his desk and pulling his laptop out of his bag hurriedly. Ezra glanced at him in vague shock, then did an immediate double-take to simply stare. 

He looked stunning as ever, but something about his fiery makeup and beautifully plaited hair was really making Ezra's heart race. Maybe it was simply because he was sitting so close, closer than they'd ever been before; so he could see every detail of Crowley's face, every curve of his frame. 

"How are you this morning?" 

Ezra almost swallowed his tongue, his blush immediately burning across his cheeks. "Oh...I'm uh. I'm better now-...I mean, I'm good!" 

Crowley pulled his long plait over his shoulder, running his hand along it as he waited for his old, beaten-up laptop to start up. "Mm, good," he mumbled distantly, and Ezra's shoulders dropped as he realised his companion had completely missed the epic slip-up. 

"How about you?" He managed to force out through his relief, taking his notepad out and setting it on the little table in front of him. He'd always found the big lecture halls uncomfortable, and he shifted in his seat, frowning slightly. 

"Hmm? Oh, I'm still quite tired," Crowley answered, sounding much less distracted as his brain caught up to his body and finally entered the room. Unfortunately for Ezra’s mental health, he looked up at that moment to see Crowley's golden eyes studying him, a small smile playing at those perfectly painted lips. He almost had a heart attack. 

"I-I'm sorry to hear that," Ezra muttered, and Crowley laughed, his eyes bright as he shook his head slightly and returned his gaze to his laptop screen. 

"You can be so formal, you know. I suppose I can too, when I'm nervous." 

"I'm not-" 

Ezra cut himself off, letting out a soft sigh. It was obvious enough, there was no point in denying it. Crowley shot him a sideways look, his smile turning somewhat sympathetic. 

"Don't worry, I have really bad social anxiety too. I'm just a little better at hiding it," he chuckled, pulling up the lecture slides and downloading them in order to edit them. "I'm not judging you at all." 

“Yeah, you really don’t seem that anxious,” Ezra said quickly, jumping on the thread simply because it was leading away from him. 

Crowley smiled to himself, giving a little shrug. “As I said, I’m pretty good at hiding it. I just tend to come off as quiet rather than shy. But I find making friends quite difficult, usually. I overthink everything and so I avoid talking if I can help it,” he admitted easily, as if talking about the weather. “But I don’t mind much, I like having a small group of close friends.” 

“I think that’s the best way,” Ezra agreed quietly, smoothing down the pages of his notebook just so he had something to do with his hands, some excuse to fidget and not look into those intense eyes. “I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have, I trust.” 

“Yeah. It doesn’t help that I moved here this year, so I had to leave behind all the friends I made in my first year,” Crowley mumbled, once again sounding as if half his mind was on something else. 

“Oh?” Ezra hummed, looking up at last and letting his eyes run over the side of Crowley’s face as he stared at his computer screen blankly. “Why’d you move?” 

Crowley blinked as if waking from a trance and glanced over, a small, weak smile flashing across his face without reaching his eyes. “Personal reasons.” 

Before Ezra could apologise for asking, or even process the sad look in those golden eyes, the lecturer began to talk, cutting through their conversation and forcing them both to focus on the material rather than each other. 

* * *

When the lecture was over, Crowley waited again, patient and calm as Ezra packed up hurriedly and jogged down the steps after him. He was wearing high-heeled platform boots, but could still move much faster than Ezra could manage, even down those old, slightly uneven stairs. He waited for just a moment at the bottom, then walked beside Ezra out of the hall and into the main building. They wandered out into the fresh air in silence, each of them buried in their own thoughts, until Crowley stopped by one of the double doors that led into the main campus building.

  
“I have to go to my next class, I’ll um...see you later,” he announced, his smile much brighter this time, but still a little distracted. Ezra swallowed, the words dying on his tongue as he tried to ask Crowley if he was okay, if he’d managed to upset him. 

Instead, all he managed was a weak ‘see you,’ half catching in his throat. Crowley nodded and turned, his long, thick plait swinging against his back as he slipped through the doors and was gone. 

Ezra hesitated for just a moment, then sighed to himself and began the long walk home. 

As he walked, he couldn’t stop mulling over their conversation, wondering where he’d gone wrong, if Crowley had already been upset or whether he’d been the one to upset him. He didn’t like the idea that he might have brought up something that was painful for Crowley, but he tried to forget about it and move on for the sake of his own sanity. 

Unfortunately, that was much easier said than done, and Ezra was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he barely noticed when it began to rain. It started as a drizzle, but quickly became heavier, just hard enough to soak Ezra’s clothes whilst still being light enough to be irritating. Ezra didn’t like rain that was only half trying, it always seemed like a waste of time to him, so he sped up, walking just a little faster and digging his keys out of his pocket. 

By the time he reached his front door, his hair was plastered to his head, so he unlocked it quickly and hurried inside, nearly colliding with Anathema, who was just leaving the kitchen. 

“Oh hey, you’re dripping on the floor,” she complained teasingly, but Ezra just rolled his eyes, dumping his soaked backpack on the stairs and kicking his shoes off before wandering through the kitchen into the utility area. He grabbed an old blue towel off the drying rack and toweled off his hair before wrapping the greying fabric around himself and hurrying back to his backpack. He tugged his notebook out of it and laid it out on the stairs to dry, then followed Anathema back into the kitchen as she wandered out of the living room. 

Something was bubbling on the stove, so Ezra threw himself down at the kitchen table, hugging the towel tighter around himself as he basked in the warmth of the kitchen. Silence settled soon after, and Ezra just watched as Anathema sliced up peppers and garlic and basil. After a while, with the sauce simmering away in the pan, she glanced over at him and narrowed her eyes before speaking up. “What’s wrong? You seem quiet.” 

Sighing, Ezra shifted position slightly and just stared at the stove for a moment before answering. “I don’t want to bore you.”    
“That means it’s about Crowley,” Anathema grinned as she began to stir the sauce, and Ezra frowned, opening his mouth to protest before realising he didn’t have a leg to stand on - after all, she was right. “You might as well tell me instead of moping around the house all afternoon. And Carmine isn’t home, so you don’t have to worry about her overhearing. By the way, does this guy even have a first name?” 

Ezra closed his eyes for a moment, running his hand through his hair as he tried to gather up his scattered thoughts. “Yeah, I think it’s Anthony, but I’ve never heard anyone call him that. I don’t think he likes it. I uh...we talked again this morning, and I don’t know...he seemed distracted and I think I might have upset him? But the whole lecture I just kept looking at him. It’s...it’s hard not to.” 

The pot was taken off the stove, the pasta drained. Ezra watched disinterestedly, his whole body feeling heavy and useless. “It really sounds like you’ve got it bad,” Anathema commented after a moment of thoughtful silence. 

Ezra heaved a sigh, dropping his head into his hands and groaning softly. “I know,” he mumbled, dragging his hands down his face and shaking his head slightly. “I know. But I can’t do anything about it, I can’t...there’s...I’m just going to have to get over it.” 

“Well, you could ask him out,” Anathema pointed out flatly, but continued before Ezra could say anything. “Look, I know things are hard for you, I know you’re worried about...things. So maybe you can’t ask him out on a date, but why don’t you at least work on being friends with him? Invite him to something,” she pushed gently, stirring the pasta into the sauce.

“But I don’t know what he likes,” Ezra protested, knowing full well that it was a weak excuse. 

“Then invite him to something you like. Let him get to know you. How about that Shakespeare they’re doing at the campus theatre next week?” Anathema suggested, tipping the pasta and sauce into two bowls before sitting down next to Ezra, setting the other bowl down in front of him. 

“Thanks,” he mumbled, but didn’t want to give her too much satisfaction, considering how pushy she was being. Although, deep down, he knew he didn’t really mind. He might have even been a little grateful for the encouragement, he just wasn’t ready to admit that to himself, not yet. “Look, I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I really don’t think he’s that interested in me, not even in a platonic way.” 

Anathema rolled her eyes, nudging Ezra’s side gently with one elbow. “He went out of his way to talk to you this morning, even though it sounds like he had something on his mind. It’s on campus, so it’s still casual, it’s not like you’re taking him on a date to the actual theatre. Come on, Ezra, it’ll be fun, I know you’ll be dying to go see it anyway, so you might as well take him.” 

Just as Ezra opened his mouth for one final, useless protestation, his phone buzzed and he glanced down at it, then picked it up quickly. A single notification from facebook sat on his screen, just staring back at him belligerently. 

_ Anthony J. Crowley sent you a friend request.  _

He snatched his phone up hurriedly, confirming the request immediately and letting out a slow breath. 

“Fine,” he muttered after a moment of silence, during which he felt Anathema’s curious gaze burning a hole in the side of his head. “I’ll ask him. But I don’t think he’s going to say yes.” 

* * *

Some time later, while he was supposed to be working, Ezra sat at the desk in his room, staring at the blank messenger screen. All it showed was the name at the top - Anthony J. Crowley. 

He swallowed, his thumbs hovering over the keyboard, his lungs feeling as if they were made of lead. He tried to ask himself that ever-touted question:  _ what was the worst that could happen?  _

But it wasn't very comforting when he really considered all the options; all the ways he'd been rejected in the past. 

Ezra glanced out of the window, sparing himself a moment to just listen to the rain drumming on the roof. Then he took a deep breath and began to type. 

_ Hi! I hope you're doing well. I just wanted to say that-  _

Ezra wrinkled his nose, holding down the backspace button and trying again. 

_ Hey, thanks for adding me! I was wondering if you'd like to- _

The message was wiped away, and Ezra gave a soft little groan, frustrated with himself and the world as a whole. He'd never been good at writing texts at the best of times, and this was just pure agony. 

_ Ezra, 16:12 _

_ Hi, you seemed kind of worried this morning, so I thought I'd send a message and see how you're doing. Also, the campus theater is putting on a production of Much Ado About Nothing next week, and I was wondering if you'd like to go?  _

Ezra was strict with himself on that final try, hitting 'send' before he could re-type it for a fourth time. Then he tried to turn his attention to his work, but kept glancing at his phone, willing it to light up, to make a noise. It was frankly torturous, and by the time it did finally vibrate, Ezra was trembling ever so slightly. 

He snatched it up off the desk, then hesitated. He didn't want to look too eager, so he set it back down slowly, leaning back in his seat and folding his hands in his lap. But he couldn't stop wondering, worrying, thinking. Imagining what Crowley could have said, the best and the worst case scenarios. 

After what felt like several minutes of this, but was probably only a few seconds, Ezra finally gave in and picked his phone up. He opened Messenger with his heart pounding in his chest, and read the message there on the screen in front of him. 

_ I'm doing okay, still recovering from that late night, I think. But that sounds great! What nights is it running?  _

Ezra just sat there and stared at the message for a moment, reading it again and again and again just in case he'd gotten it wrong the first time. Then he typed out a quick answer and sent it - after agonising over whether or not to add a smiley face for a few long seconds. 

_ It's running this whole week, so we can go any night that works for you :)  _

The typing bubble popped up almost immediately, and Crowley's message appeared only a few seconds later. 

_ Monday?  _

Ezra grinned, leaning back in his chair triumphantly as he began to type once more. 

_ Works for me! I'll buy the tickets if you like, the website can be a bit confusing. Doors always open at 7:30 and the show starts at 8 so maybe we can meet there at 7:30? _

The reply he got was simple, short, and to the point. 

_ Thanks! I'll be there :)  _

* * *

Ezra was starting to wonder if that message had been a lie. It was 7:49 and he was getting anxious. Although the word anxious was rather an understatement; it didn't really cover the full scope or scale of his emotions. 

He shifted from foot to foot, glancing around at the people still milling about, trying to see if there were any flashes of red in the crowd. But he knew he'd spot Crowley easily; he wore high heels whilst already at least six feet tall in flats, and that was enough to make anyone stand out. And Crowley had a presence. 

Ezra was sure it wasn't just him who’d noticed this. He'd seen the way people moved around Crowley; they always turned to look, they always stepped out of the way without thinking. Watching Crowley walk through a crowd always made Ezra wonder if the people knew they looked like the Red Sea. 

He heard footsteps behind him, heels clacking over tiles, and whipped around to see Anathema smiling at him. She looked a bit worried, holding her program in front of her. Behind her, the last few hangers-around were shuffling into the theater.

"Are you okay?" Anathema asked gently, running her hand over Ezra's shoulder comfortingly. He nodded slightly, glancing at his watch. 7:51. 

"I can come sit with you," she suggested softly, and Ezra let out a quiet sigh, trying to hide his disappointment and failing miserably. 

"Okay. I um. I guess he's probably got something important happening," he mumbled, and Anathema wrapped her arm around his shoulders, gently leading him away from the door. 

"I'm sure he does, Ez. He would text or something if it wasn't something sudden." 

"Yeah," Ezra sighed, just as he heard the door open behind him. He turned and Crowley was standing there, chest heaving, loose red hair wild as it tumbled over his shoulders and back. 

"God, I'm so sorry!" He gasped, rushing over to Ezra and shaking his head. "I got caught up in something with my flat, do we still have time?" 

"If you hurry, go on," Anathema urged gently, flashing Ezra an encouraging smile as he tried to gather all his brain cells back together to do some actual thinking. He handed one ticket to Crowley, noticing the perfect dark purple nails, and began to lead him into the theatre. They took their seats and Ezra swallowed hard, trying to think of something to say. He was still a bit stunned from seeing Crowley standing there, looking rather more fancy than was necessary in a fitted purple dress and leather jacket - the combination had made him feel rather inadequate in his usual worn blazer. He felt better, though, after reminding himself that Crowley nearly always looked that dressed up. It wasn’t like the feeling of inadequacy was new, after all. It was just in a different setting, a setting that made him nervous. 

"Thanks for inviting me to this," Crowley said quietly, slipping his jacket off and folding it in his lap. Ezra glanced at him and the man's bright smile sent his heart leaping into his throat. "I've been trying to read the play all weekend, but it's...my brain isn't really set up to understand Shakespeare," he chuckled, a little color rising to his cheeks. 

Ezra swallowed hard, finding his voice at last. "Yeah, it's not easy going, I only have a brain for Shakespeare because I trained it," he admitted with a smile, glancing at the stage. "I went to see a production of this when I was a kid and after that I just really wanted to understand it. So I learned to. It's a lot easier if you can find translations into modern English online or get an edition with really good footnotes." 

Crowley nodded, flashing him a grin as the lights began to go down. "I should have asked you for tips." 

Ezra just smiled in response, glad that the lights were dimming so Crowley couldn't see the darkening blush on his cheeks. As the stage lights switched on and the curtain rose, Crowley turned his attention to the stage, but it took Ezra a good few seconds to tear his gaze away from his companion. There was just so much to look at, to take in. Crowley looked so perfect in that dim lighting, his eyes shining as they reflected the bright stage lights, and Ezra felt somehow that if he reached out and touched him, the whole world might collapse in on itself. But still his hand itched to reach over, wrap itself around Crowley's. He let out a soft sigh and finally dragged his eyes away from studying every inch of Crowley's profile, instead forcing himself to focus on the stage. 

* * *

Throughout the performance, Ezra did his best not to stare at Crowley, but did allow himself to steal a few glances every now and then. Despite Crowley's heavily implied worry that he wouldn't understand the play, he was laughing along and smiling and clearly enjoying himself. 

And when they left the theater and stepped outside for some air, Crowley was still smiling. 

"It's just so different to see it live like that! It really brings everything to life, hearing it spoken." 

Ezra grinned, no longer feeling nervous, just the gentle heat of the joy that came from sharing something he loved. "I'm just so glad you enjoyed it," he admitted, shoving his hands in his pockets as he gazed up at the side of Crowley's face. He squashed the urge to reach out and run his fingers through that beautiful, crazy hair, glancing towards the cafe instead. Then Crowley shivered and Ezra swallowed hard, not wanting to go back into the intensely crowded foyer. 

"It's a bit cold, isn't it? Do you um. Want a drink from the cafe? There’s no free seats, but a drink will warm you up," He suggested softly, and Crowley shot a longing look through the window. 

"I left in a hurry and I...well, I forgot my wallet," he mumbled, and Ezra pulled a face. 

"I can buy you a coffee, come on." 

Before Crowley could protest, Ezra was slipping through the door and walking up to the counter, his companion following him hurriedly. 

"I'll have a hot chocolate please, and my friend will have…?" 

He looked at Crowley, who swallowed nervously and shot him a glance before answering. 

"Just a small mocha please." 

The woman behind the counter nodded and Ezra paid quickly, walking calmly along to wait for the drinks. Crowley followed him quickly, obviously still rather anxious. 

"I'll pay you back, I promise, and I'll bring the money for the tickets next-" 

But Ezra waved a hand dismissively, smiling up at his companion. "Don't worry about it. I invited you, and it's really cheap." 

"But-" 

The mocha was placed on the counter, so Ezra passed it along to Crowley quickly, raising an eyebrow. 

"It's fine, really," he insisted gently, taking his hot chocolate as it was handed over the counter and leading Crowley back outside before it could get busy in the tiny cafe. 

"It's nice out here," Ezra commented before Crowley could push the issue any further. Crowley took a long sip from his drink and looked up at the sky. 

"I like seeing the stars like this," he agreed quietly, wrapping both hands around his cup. "It always makes everything a little more special." 

Ezra swallowed, about to answer when he heard a cheerful voice calling out to him. 

"There you are! I've been looking for you two," Anathema grinned as she hurried over. Ezra noticed the way Crowley shifted, the brief unease in his stance. 

"Hey. Crowley, this is my friend Anathema," he said quickly, and Crowley smiled, giving a little wave. 

"Hey. It's nice to meet you," he said simply, and Ezra flashed him what he hoped was a comforting smile. 

"It was a surprisingly good production, I thought," Anathema announced, and Ezra and Crowley both nodded. 

"I haven't seen any Shakespeare live before, so I really enjoyed it," Crowley admitted quietly, and Anathema smiled at him, her expression genuine and friendly. 

"It's good that you liked it. I always like going to the theatre, whatever it is that's on." 

Silence fell for a moment, and Ezra looked over at Crowley, watched him take a long sip from his coffee. 

"Is that good? Warming you up?" 

Crowley blinked in surprise at being addressed, a shy smile quickly pulling at his lips. "Uh, yeah. It's weird, it's a lot better than the coffee we serve where I work, but they're both student union venues, so I don't really get the difference," he laughed softly, his body language still a little defensive as he glanced at Anathema. 

"Maybe it's because they get less business, so they have to keep their customers coming back for something. It's a decent distance from most things on campus," she suggested, flashing Crowley a friendly smile. 

"Except the library," Ezra pointed out quietly, and Anathema rolled her eyes. 

"You're the only student who spends actual time in the library, Ezra." 

"I spend time in the library," Crowley protested with a soft smile, and Ezra grinned at him. 

"There! Thank you, it  _ is _ normal to spend time in the library! It's a good study space," he chuckled, and Anathema shook her head. 

"My bed is definitely better." 

"It's more comfortable, maybe, but I bet you'd get more done in the library," Ezra countered, and Crowley smiled beside him, shifting his weight around and moving just a little closer to Ezra, their shoulders brushing together. 

Ezra almost choked on air, but forced himself to stay calm - although he could tell from Anathema's expression that she'd noticed. 

"Hey, um. I should probably head back," Crowley announced nervously, and Ezra nodded, glancing at Anathema. 

"We probably should as well. I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks for coming," he smiled, and Crowley blushed again, his hands tightening around his cup. 

"Well, thanks for the invite. And the ticket and coffee and things," he mumbled, flashing a slightly nervous smile. 

"I'll see you Wednesday afternoon," Ezra smiled, and Crowley nodded, looking like he wanted to say something. He glanced at Anathema and smiled a slightly strained smile. 

"I'll see you then. Bye, Ezra." 

Ezra and Anathema just stood for a moment, watching him hurry away. Then they began to walk in silence, heading to the squares and towards home. As they passed the bus stop, Anathema finally spoke up, her voice a little teasing, but still somewhat thoughtful. 

“You’re totally going to figure out where he works now, aren’t you?” 

“Now that you’ve met him, can you really blame me?” Ezra chuckled, but he couldn't keep the nerves out of his laugh. 

“No, he’s...he’s really sweet, Ezra, I can see why you like him,” she went on, shoving her hands in her coat pockets and staring at the pavement. “I think he likes you, you know. He’s awkward, but he’s...I don’t know. I’m not sure. Well, I’m sure that he likes you as a friend.” 

"I don't know if it can ever be more than that," Ezra sighed, and Anathema shrugged. 

"That shoulder touch thing...I'm pretty sure he did that on purpose. He didn't look surprised when you touched." 

Ezra heaved a huge sigh, his body feeling heavy, his stomach an empty pit. "Yeah, but...I'm still…" 

"Frightened," Anathema finished for him flatly, then sighed. "I'm gonna be honest here, Ez. And I know it's not my business, but I'm going to tell you what I think. I don't know what you're scared of. We're at university now. This isn't sixth form anymore. Would it really be so awful to come out now?" 

"People are nasty to Crowley," Ezra pointed out sharply, and Anathema heaved another sigh. 

"Look, this is going to sound mean, but I don't mean it that way. Crowley is different. He's...he's loud. He walks around in six inch heels sometimes, for fuck's sake. And I love the way he dresses, you know I do, but him walking around in dresses and you pottering about in elbow patch blazers are not the same thing. You can't compare the two." 

"But what if I'm pottering about in elbow patch blazers holding Crowley's hand while he's wearing a dress?" Ezra argued quietly, starting to feel a little sick. 

Anathema was silent for a moment, then shook her head slightly. "I don't know. But if it's just...just some name calling...maybe you need to think about whether that's a price worth paying for your happiness." 

"I shouldn't have to-" Ezra began hotly, but Anathema interrupted gently, her voice calm and even. 

"I  _ know.  _ I know it's shitty and I know it's awful. I know I'm lucky in some ways that I'm with Newt so I pass for straight. But you need to think about it more instead of just...blindly refusing. When was the last time you cuddled with someone? Kissed someone? Had sex? You  _ need  _ to allow yourself these things, Ezra. It's not healthy." 

"I'm not-" 

"I'm not interested in excuses," Anathema said much more sharply. "You don't have to say anything. I just want you to know that I'm worried about you. And Crowley...he seems lovely. I just don't want you to miss out because you're scared." 

Silence fell for a few minutes, strained and a little angry. Then Ezra finally sighed and let go, shaking his head ever so slightly. 

"Where do you think he works?" 

"Probably the little cafe by the bar. They always hire the interesting people. I can ask the guy who runs it, we shared a flat in first year." 

"Do you just know everyone at this uni?" 

"Pretty much," Anathema chuckled, glancing at Ezra and smiling softly. "I really care about you, you know. You're my best friend." 

Ezra felt the blush already rising, but simply ignored it as he glanced up at her. "I care about you too, best friend," he grinned, and Anathema rolled her eyes, turning her attention back to the pavement. 

"Alright, that's enough, this isn't some Disney channel movie."

Ezra snorted and shook his head slightly, once again allowing his thoughts to wander back to Crowley and his smiles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know it's been a long time coming (if you're used to my crazy LCRPA update schedule anyway) but I've been super busy! I can tell this course is going to be a lot harder than the last one I was on, but it'll be worth it. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you thought, as always I love reading your comments and I'll do my best to keep updates coming fairly regularly. I've only written ahead to the beginning of chapter 5 though, so I can't make any huge promises, but I'm going to aim for once a week and see how it goes. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


	3. Chapter Three

Ezra headed for the little cafe by the main SU bar, his hands shoved in his pockets so they couldn't shake too much. As he reached the door, someone pushed it open and slipped out, so he hurried inside, overwhelmed by the sudden warmth and the sight of Crowley. 

His beautiful hair was once again tucked into a messy bun, and the black apron suited him. He glanced up and smiled at the next customer, and Ezra just stared, absolutely in awe of the way that perfect face lit up with genuine friendliness. 

Since he was so distracted, Ezra found himself at the front of the line much quicker than he'd expected, and was suddenly the object of a much brighter, more personal smile. 

"Hey there, what can I get you?" Crowley grinned, taking his sharpie out of his pocket. 

"Um. Just a hot chocolate, please," Ezra mumbled, trying to hide his nerves and not doing a great job. Crowley picked up a cup and wrote something on it before handing it along to a barista and tapping a button on the till. 

"One-fifty, please. Are you heading to class?" 

"Yeah, I've got a lecture this morning," Ezra smiled, managing to relax a tiny bit as he handed the cash over. 

"Cool. I hope you don't fall asleep," Crowley answered, handing back the change and causing Ezra to tense as their fingers brushed together. "Should have gotten coffee instead." 

Still rather distracted, Ezra just laughed awkwardly and dropped the change in the tip jar, then walked along the counter to wait, completely oblivious to Crowley's gaze lingering on the back of his head. 

He took the cup when it was handed over, thanking the other barista before hurrying out of the shop. He only noticed what was written on the cup when he was already sat down in the lecture hall, his gaze falling lazily on the white paper to see a little smiley face, right there in black sharpie. 

Ezra stared at it for a moment, then slipped his phone out of his pocket and took a quick picture. He messaged it to Anathema, typing out a short caption with slightly shaky fingers. 

_ Guess where I got coffee this morning _

He smiled to himself as he pressed ‘send,’ then quickly opened his laptop, trying to force himself to focus on getting ready for the lecture. 

He kept glancing at the cup, however, so he carefully turned it away from him, the smiley face staring outwards where he couldn't see it. Then his phone buzzed, making him jump ever so slightly as he was shaken out of his thoughts about Crowley's perfect smile. 

The screen displayed one short message from Anathema. 

_ When's the wedding? _

Ezra rolled his eyes just as the typing bubble popped up, so he waited patiently, trying to stop his leg from bouncing. 

_ Seriously, though. That is really cute, I told you he likes you! You're definitely on your way to making a whole new friend _

Ezra snorted and locked his phone, slipping it away as the lecturer walked into the hall. Closing his eyes for a moment, Ezra took a deep breath, letting go of everything and finally getting his mind to focus as the lecturer began to talk. 

* * *

Ezra was early to his afternoon lecture, so he took a spot in the middle of the room, setting up his laptop to organise his notes from that morning.

He was just starting to edit them when he heard footsteps and Crowley threw himself down beside Ezra, letting out a deep sigh. He reached up without a word and tugged the tie out of his hair, letting it cascade down in stunning waves, upside-down flames licking at his back as he shook his head. Ezra couldn't help but stare, breathing in that coconutty shampoo smell as Crowley combed his fingers through his hair, split it into three sections, and began to plait hurriedly. 

"It's driving me nuts today," he muttered, and Ezra's eyes widened, partly in shock that Crowley could be upset at having such stunning hair, and partly embarrassed that he had most likely noticed he’d been staring. 

"It looks...fine to me," Ezra mumbled, swallowing the word 'perfect' just in time and forcing it down as Crowley's deft fingers finished off the plait and twisted the tie around it quickly. Then he tossed it behind him with a dismissive snort. 

"Some days it just gets all frizzy like this and all I wanna do is cut it off," he announced, and Ezra felt his heart drop into his stomach. 

"It looks so nice long," he said weakly, and was suddenly pinned with that amused golden stare. 

"You think? Thank you," Crowley grinned, and Ezra managed to relax, letting out a slow breath. 

"You're welcome. How was your shift?" 

Crowley chuckled, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms over his chest as a few other students began to trickle into the room. 

"Not bad. I got berated by this random woman because I put creamer in her coffee instead of milk, even though she didn't specify that, but other than that...uneventful. She didn't even work here, she was just visiting her kid or something, I heard her talking on the phone," he snorted, shaking his head and turning his attention to picking at the rips in his dark jeans. Ezra looked down and noticed the fishnets under Crowley's jeans, then swallowed hard and shifted in his seat. 

"How did the hot chocolate work out for you?" 

Ezra blinked, trying to drag himself back into the real world with some difficulty. "Sorry?" 

"The hot chocolate. Did you fall asleep?" Crowley smiled, angling the way he was sitting slightly, apparently in order to speak to Ezra more easily. 

"Uh. No, it was fine. I um. I don't really like coffee, and nowhere on campus has the kind of tea I like, so I have to make do." 

Crowley leaned one elbow against the little desk in front of him, then rested his cheek against his palm, blinking slowly as he smiled at Ezra. "What type of tea is it?" 

"Rooibos," Ezra smiled back, trying not to get nervous under that intense gaze. 

"Ah yeah, I've had that once. It's nice," Crowley hummed, and Ezra took a deep breath, trying to keep his eyes fixed on Crowley's instead of letting them wander down to his lips, or even further. "How was your lecture?" 

"Uh...fine, yeah," Ezra mumbled, glancing away from Crowley as another student walked up the stairs beside them, staring at Crowley in a rather hostile way. Crowley didn't seem to notice, but he did look up when the lecturer came into the room and began to talk straightaway. 

For the rest of the lecture, Ezra took dutiful notes, comparing them against Crowley's during the break. And, as always, Crowley waited patiently for Ezra to pack up, and they wandered out of the hall together, into the pale autumn sun. Crowley stopped, so Ezra hesitated beside him, glancing up at him in confusion just as he began to speak. 

"I have an hour until my next class. Do you maybe want to go sit by the lake and look over our notes again or something?" 

Ezra managed to stop himself from blurting out an immediate 'yes,' instead looking away for a moment as if in thought. Then he smiled and nodded. 

"That sounds good." 

The lake was rather a grand name for what was really just a large duck pond, but it was tucked away on one end of campus, away from the busy squares, and most people didn't really go out there when it was cold.

As soon as they sat down at one of the picnic tables, Crowley pulled a thick, fleece-lined hoodie out of his bag, then slipped it on over his head. He blinked a few times and sighed, turning half away from Ezra to take his contacts out. 

Ezra watched in surprise as he took them out and put them back in a little case before pulling a pair of glasses from a different case. Crowley slipped them on, finally glancing over at his companion and smiling sheepishly. That almost made Ezra wheeze, but he managed to keep it together, despite how unbearably cute that smile was. 

"My contacts always seem to dry out really quickly when I have work," Crowley admitted, pushing his glasses up at the corner and flashing another slightly nervous smile. "Everyone always used to say I look like a nerd with my glasses on." 

Ezra swallowed hard, but tried to look casual, smiling as he shook his head. "I uh...I r-really don't think so," he managed, cursing himself in his head immediately. He couldn't even string a sentence together around Crowley. 

"Thanks." 

Ezra watched as Crowley opened his notebook to a blank page and began to sketch, his pencil stroking across the paper confidently, easily. Ezra just let out a slow breath and got his laptop out of his bag, starting to work on an essay he had due in a couple weeks. 

After a while, he glanced over at Crowley, watched him for a couple seconds, then finally got up the courage to speak. 

"Why does no one ever use your first name?" 

Crowley put his pencil down slowly, looking up at Ezra with a blush already starting to color his cheeks.

"Uh. My um...my first name is really gender specific. I prefer my last because it's more...neutral, I guess," he answered a little nervously, and Ezra just nodded slowly. 

"It seems a little impersonal, but I can see why you prefer it." 

Crowley smiled slightly, tilting his head as he stared at Ezra for a moment. "You can call me whatever you want, I don't mind it from people I like. It's people who don't really know me that I don't like using it, because I feel it gives them the wrong impression. But you're right, sometimes it can seem a bit...distant." 

Ezra smiled, resting his chin in his hand and his elbow on the table. "I like Anthony, I think it's a nice name. Have you ever thought about changing it?" 

Crowley looked away sharply, and Ezra instantly knew he'd hit some kind of nerve. 

"No. My parents named me and I'm going to keep it," he said quietly, his voice calm, but full of stifled emotion. "They're not around anymore to have a say in changing it, so I...I don't feel like I...want to," he finished lamely, looking down at his notebook quickly. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" 

Crowley waved a hand quickly, shaking his head dismissively. "You didn't know. I just don't really want to talk about it." 

"That's understandable," Ezra answered hurriedly, wanting to get that smile back as quickly as possible, a thread of guilt twisting in his stomach. "How...how are you doing at uni in general? You just moved here this year, right?" He asked nervously, trying to change the subject. 

Crowley forced a weak smile and nodded slightly, going back to his drawing. "Yeah. It's going well, I feel a lot more settled in now than I did a few weeks ago. Making friends makes a huge difference," he said quietly, still sounding like he was struggling with something. "I like it here." 

"I'm glad," Ezra smiled, watching Crowley's hand as he drew. "I like you being here." 

Crowley's hand paused, then resumed sketching after just a second or two. "Thank you," he said softly, without looking up. But Ezra could tell by his voice he was being sincere, so he went back to his laptop, letting silence settle between them once again. 

After quite a long while, the silence was broken by a shout. Crowley looked up sharply, a smile spreading across his face as a tall man with an insane mop of messy, slightly curly hair hurried over, grinning at Crowley. A small Border Collie trotted by his side, outfitted with a bright yellow vest that had ‘medical alert dog’ printed on it in large black letters. As soon as the man stopped to stand by their table, the dog sat down next to him, intelligent brown eyes fixed on Ezra. 

"Hey! How's it going?" 

Ezra swallowed and tried to focus on his laptop, his heart beating a little faster, but Crowley was already talking to the unfamiliar student. 

"It's good. Adam, this is Ezra, he's in my abnormal psych class," Crowley announced with a bright smile. "Ezra, this is Adam, he lives in my building." 

Adam shot Ezra a look, a smirk obvious on his face. "Ezra, huh?" But Crowley elbowed him before he could say anything more, leaving Ezra wondering and blushing bright red. 

"You going somewhere?" Crowley asked Adam, and the man grinned, nodding slightly. 

"Pepper and Brian are coming with me to town, we're gonna go try out that board game place. You wanna come?" 

"Nah, I've got a class in...oh, ten minutes," Crowley answered, sounding a little surprised. "You should tell me how it is when you get back." 

"Yeah, will do. I'll see you later, don't study yourself to death," Adam chuckled, and Crowley shook his head slightly, watching him wander off before turning back to his drawing. 

Ezra took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down from the unexpected interaction. He was so busy trying to get his breathing under control that he didn't notice the blush on Crowley's cheeks, the little glance towards Ezra that he stole hurriedly. Crowley smiled to himself ever so slightly, then began to draw again, the smile fading as concentration took over. 

Ezra glanced at him at last, but was too late to see any of this, apart from that passive, focused look. He sighed to himself quietly and slid his laptop away, then looked up at the sky. 

"Looks like it's going to rain later." 

"It does," Crowley answered without looking up. 

"Adam seems nice." 

"He was the first friend I made," Crowley smiled, finishing up a line and shutting his notebook. He tucked the pencil and book back into his backpack and finally looked up at Ezra again, that bright smile lighting up his golden eyes. "He's really nice. He even helped me move my stuff in when I got here, 'cause I was on my own. His dog’s name is Dog, though, which is a bit weird." 

Ezra got up, swinging his bag over his shoulder. "That is kind of weird. Where's your next class?" 

Crowley pulled a face, getting up as well and starting to walk. "All the way over at the north teaching centre."

"I'll walk that way, I can get the bus by the business school," Ezra smiled, following Crowley quickly and falling into step beside him.

After a moment or two of silence, Ezra glanced at his companion, then swallowed nervously.

"I didn't...I didn't upset you with the questions I asked earlier, did I?" He forced out hurriedly, and Crowley shot him a surprised look, then smiled slightly. 

"No, it's all good. I'm just...I'm not having the best mental health day today, I guess that's why I'm a little quieter than usual. Nothing to do with you," he answered simply, adjusting his backpack as they went up the stairs. "Are you doing okay?" 

Taken a little off guard by the unexpected question, Ezra struggled for a moment to come up with an answer. "Uh. Y-yeah, I'm good. A little tired, as usual, but good."

"Good," Crowley smiled, then glanced over at Ezra again. "You know, you don't have to walk me to the NTC, it would be quicker to get the bus the other way." 

Ezra just looked at him, then laughed softly. "I've been here for a lot of years, I know that. And I'd like to walk you, if you want me to." 

"I'd like that," Crowley grinned, shoving his hands in his pockets and turning to walk towards the north end of campus. "It's nice to spend time with someone who can be happy being quiet. I love my friends, but they're all quite loud, and sometimes it's just nice to be in silence with someone, like we were earlier." 

"I agree," Ezra smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets and kicking an acorn along the pavement in front of him. "It's peaceful." 

He looked up at the rather modern and imposing facade of the NTC and gave a soft sigh. "I'll uh...see you later," he rushed out, and Crowley hesitated long enough to flash him a beautiful, beaming smile before turning away and calling a quick goodbye over his shoulder. Ezra stood for a moment, breathing shakily, then quickly turned away and began the walk down the hill to the bus stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I know this isn't as soon as I said it would be up, but I've been busy and also had absolutely atrocious mental health, so anyway, here it is.  
I hope you guys liked this chapter, even though it's a bit filler-y! The next one is 6,500 words so brace yourselves lol  
Anyway, please leave a comment if you enjoyed it, reading your lovely comments always makes my day so much better! <3


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a couple tiny notes for this chapter; a brief drunken cheek kiss that isn't wanted, and brief discussion of body image issues.

Thursday was a long day for Ezra, so he slipped into the little cafe on the off-chance that Crowley was on shift, and finally got the only stroke of luck he'd had all day. 

Crowley was restocking cups by the till, humming along to the music playing over the radio, but he looked up as Ezra walked up to the counter. His face immediately broke into a happy grin, and he took a cup off the top of the stack. "Hot chocolate?" 

Ezra smiled, slipping his wallet out of his pocket as the frustration of the day began to fade away in the face of that heart-warming friendliness. 

"Please," he answered simply, and Crowley scribbled on the cup before passing it along and tapping a couple buttons on the till. 

"You've just caught me at the end of my shift. If you don't have anything to do, I've only got five minutes of sorting out to do," Crowley announced, watching as Ezra pressed his card to the reader and caused it to beep quietly. 

"Sure," Ezra said softly, ignoring the little flutter in his chest and moving along to wait for his drink. 

A few minutes later, he was leaving the cafe side by side with Crowley, his hands wrapped around his cup, his breath clouding in the air in front of him. 

"Jesus, it's cold today," he muttered, and Crowley chuckled, letting his hair down from its ponytail and shaking it out over his shoulders. "Lucky for me, I have a two in one ear warmer and shawl," he grinned, his walk slowing down slightly as he realised he was leaving Ezra behind somewhat. "How was your day?" 

Ezra sighed, and decided to lie for the sake of a balanced, interesting conversation. "Fine. What about yours?" 

Crowley shrugged, shoving his hands in his coat pockets and glancing up at the grey sky. "It was okay. Just kind of boring, really." 

Silence fell between them for a moment as Ezra tried to figure out what to say, fumbling for words that made sense, that might further the conversation. "Uh. It's my house mate's birthday today. She's having a party tonight, if you'd like to come. Anathema also lives with us, so obviously she'll be there...and you can bring your friends, if you like." 

They were nearing Crowley's building now, walking down the steps towards it slowly. "You know...I'm not really a party person, but it could be fun," Crowley answered thoughtfully, looking down at his companion with a soft smile. "I don't think my friends will come, though. What time?" 

"Uh, it's from seven, but most people probably won't be there until eight, and you can come anytime," Ezra said quickly, trying and failing to keep the grin off his face. "It'd be really nice to see you there." 

Crowley's steps slowed and faltered as he took his keys out of his bag, his smile widening. "Yeah, you'll have to send me the address. I've got to do some work and get ready, but I'll definitely be there. I'll message you when I leave," he assured Ezra, stepping up to his door and giving a little wave. "I'll see you later!" 

"Yeah, see you then," Ezra grinned, waving back awkwardly and turning rather hurriedly to walk away, unable to stop smiling like an idiot as he headed for the bus stop.

* * *

The music was too loud and there were too many people Ezra didn't know shouting about things he didn't care about. He checked his phone again and sighed. 8:32. 

He slipped his coat on and stepped outside, pulling a cigarette from his pocket and placing it between his lips. He lit up, taking a deep inhale and letting his eyelids flutter closed as he felt the smoke fill his lungs and soothe his stress. It wasn't like there was anywhere to go - it was his house, after all - so he indulged himself, taking another long pull and opening his eyes at last. 

"I'm guessing I've got the right house, then?" 

Ezra grinned, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and flicking the ash away as he allowed himself another moment of indulgence and simply stared at Crowley for a second or two. He had his hair down the way Ezra liked, brushing his sides where his cropped sweatshirt was cut off. He was also wearing high waisted black pants, flared at the bottom and almost hiding his platform boots, and he looked, as usual, simply stunning. 

"I didn't know you smoked," Crowley commented, snapping Ezra back into the real world. He chuckled nervously, taking another drag off his cigarette. 

"Yeah. I'm uh...I'm trying to quit. I'm down to about four or five a week at the moment, but uh...parties stress me out," he admitted with a smile, leaning back against the wall and gesturing vaguely to the house. "And unfortunately, I can't leave to go home." 

Crowley wrinkled his nose, shifting his stance slightly, but not getting closer to Ezra, not yet, instead still standing a good few paces away. "It's good that you're quitting, it's not good for you." 

"And you hate the smell of smoke, right?" Ezra guessed, his cheeks hollowing as he took one last pull. "There's a lot of personal space going on here,” he added, gesturing to the distance between them vaguely. 

Crowley chuckled, adjusting the backpack slung over one of his shoulders. "Yeah. Gives me a headache," he answered simply, and Ezra nodded, bending down to stub the cigarette out and flicking it into the bin. 

"I can understand that. Let's go inside, find Anathema." 

Ezra gently led Crowley into the house and straight into the kitchen. There were a few people talking in there, but they barely gave Ezra and Crowley a glance, so Ezra just walked over and opened the fridge. He glanced back at Crowley, who hurried over and smiled at him nervously. 

"Do you have soft drinks?" 

Ezra didn't feel like shouting, so he pulled a bottle of coke out of the fridge, showing it to Crowley, who simply nodded. Shooing the people out of the way so he could open the cupboard took a few seconds, especially since two of them were making out, but Ezra eventually managed to hand Crowley a full glass. He tried to ignore their fingers brushing, quickly putting the bottle back in the fridge, but he couldn't deny that it had sent a little shiver up his spine. 

Crowley looked a bit lost, so Ezra guided him into the living room, where most of the people were dancing or talking. It was incredibly crowded, and although Ezra could see Anathema in the corner, chatting with Newt, there was no way he would have been able to reach her. 

Just as he was contemplating whether to go outside again, Carmine appeared, grinning drunkenly and wandering up to Crowley a little unsteadily. She threw an arm around his shoulders; rather awkwardly, considering she was almost a foot shorter than him in his heels. She leaned into his ear and whispered something, and Ezra saw the immediate discomfort in Crowley's expression and stance. 

Then Carmine kissed Crowley's cheek sloppily, and Ezra reached out, gently taking his arm and mouthing something vaguely like 'sorry' to Carmine as he tugged Crowley away and quickly led him back into the kitchen. 

"Look, why don't we go upstairs for a bit?" Ezra suggested at last, and Crowley nodded, glancing around and hugging himself with one arm, his hand running over his other bicep nervously. 

"Alright," Ezra smiled, trying to seem comforting as he grabbed another glass and the bottle of coke and led the way up the stairs. He pushed his bedroom door open, glad that he'd cleaned his room before the party, and threw himself down on the bed as Crowley hesitated, glancing around. He slowly took his backpack off and set it down on the floor, then walked over to sit down carefully. 

Ezra looked around as well, trying to imagine he was seeing the room for the first time. It was quite small, but he liked the cosy feel, with plenty of string lights hung up everywhere, and a cute lamp on his desk. The bed frame was wooden, and he had mustard coloured blankets, which just made the whole room seem bright and homely to him. 

Crowley set his glass down on the bedside table and carefully took his shoes off, placing them on the floor neatly. Then he finally looked over at Ezra and smiled shyly, almost seeming a little embarrassed. 

"I'm sorry, I just-" 

"It was too much for me too, don't worry," Ezra soothed quickly, smiling at him in what he hoped was a comforting way. "And Carmine can get really touchy when she's drunk, which isn't much fun." 

"Yeah, that um...overwhelmed me a bit," Crowley admitted with a nervous chuckle, slowly moving so he was sitting on the bed with his back against the wall, his knees pulled up against his chest. Ezra followed suit, but only bent one knee, leaving the other leg stretched out in front of him as he stared off into space for a moment. 

"Ezra?" 

"Hmm?" He hummed, looking over at his companion and smiling as he leaned his head back against the wall. 

"Can I tell you something?" Crowley asked softly, his eyes nervous, that bright gold dulled slightly by anxiety. 

"Of course," Ezra said simply, his heart thudding in his chest as he realised this would be their first proper talk. Their first talk about anything other than the weather or school. 

"I don't think I fit in very well at university," Crowley sighed, looking down at his hands and tapping one immaculate red nail against the side of his glass. "I don't really like drinking. I've never even been drunk, actually. And I just...I don't know. I don't think many people like me." 

Ezra swallowed hard, trying to ignore the lump forming in his throat. "I like you. And...and I think a lot of people are intimidated by you. You just...you always look so perfect and...and…" Ezra trailed off weakly, taking a deep breath. "And untouchable. It took me a long time to get up the confidence to even say hi to you." 

Crowley looked at him, a smile playing at the corners of his lips, his eyes suddenly sparkling. "Really? I was always too nervous to talk to you. After all, you are a postgrad. I didn't think you'd want to talk to me." 

Ezra chuckled, forcing himself to concentrate and not get lost in those lovely eyes. "I'll talk to anyone, really, I'm just shy," he admitted, and Crowley nodded emphatically. 

"Me too. And...well, it doesn't help that some people have..." he sighed and looked away, colour rising to his freckled cheeks. "Well, called me names and things. It makes it hard to talk to people, even though I'm used to it. They're uh...they're not as bad as I used to get at school, at least." 

"I was bullied in school, too," Ezra answered quietly. "It's why I went back in the closet at uni." 

His heart dropped, his fingers curling, nails biting into his palms as he realised what he'd just said. He suddenly felt sick, his heart slamming at the inside of his ribcage as he glanced at Crowley. But he didn't seem surprised, and simply smiled at Ezra. 

"I won't tell anyone," he said softly, reaching over to rest his hand on Ezra's arm. "I promise. Are you gay, then? If you don't mind me asking." 

Ezra nodded slowly, too overcome with shock and confusion and joy and the realisation that Crowley was touching him so gently to answer. His tongue felt thick and heavy in his mouth, and when Crowley stroked his thumb over Ezra's arm, he nearly choked. 

"I'm bi, but I'm mostly attracted to masculine people," Crowley announced quietly, letting his hand slip from Ezra's arm as he glanced up at the ceiling. "So I guess most people would just call me gay, but...it's not really that simple." 

Ezra took a deep breath, managing to calm down somewhat now the focus was off him, although he was still coming to terms with the fact that Crowley  _ knew _ . "How do you mean?" 

Crowley blinked and looked over at Ezra, then shrugged. "I'm non binary, so I'm not really a man. Technically, you can't really be gay if you're not a man, but no one really cares about that anymore anyway. Most people use 'gay' as an umbrella term for every possible sexuality, other than heterosexual, of course." 

"Wait," Ezra mumbled, reaching for his glass and pouring himself some coke before sitting back. "I've heard about non binary before, but I know basically nothing about it. Would you...would you mind explaining it to me? You don't have to, of course, it's um. I know you shouldn't have to tell people about this, but um…" He trailed off again, and Crowley smiled at him, then gave a soft little laugh. 

"Don't worry, we're friends, and you asked nicely, so I don't mind explaining it. Non binary is a term that covers a lot of smaller labels, but I don't really have any interest in putting myself in a smaller box, so I just tend to stick with non binary. It just means anything outside of the basic man or woman. I guess if you imagine a sliding scale of gender with man at one end and woman at the other, I fall somewhere in the middle, perhaps a bit more towards man. Although that analogy is still quite limiting. But yeah...I guess I would even call myself a non binary man, which confuses people a lot, so I tend not to. I do think about it like that in my head sometimes, though," Crowley explained quietly and calmly, smiling at Ezra as he went. 

Ezra took a breath while he thought about this, then sipped from his glass before he spoke. 

"Do you consider yourself transgender, then?" 

Crowley just shrugged. "I mean, some people consider their non binary identities to fall under the umbrella of transgender, some don't. I personally don't, because I still identify on the 'man' side of things, and I was assigned male at birth. So I do still sort of match things. I don't really get gender dysphoria, not now that I get to express myself the way I want to every day, and I don't intend on having any kind of medical intervention. Although some trans people don't either, but that's...that's a whole other conversation, I guess."

Ezra nodded slowly, looking down at his hands. "Thanks for explaining, I know it's annoying to have to. I've just...I've never met anyone non binary before," he admitted softly, and Crowley reached over again, rubbing Ezra's shoulder this time and making his skin burn even under his jacket. 

"That's okay. You were really nice and respectful about it, don't worry. And if you ever have any other questions, you can ask me, I don't mind," he said simply, and Ezra nodded again, trying to fight the blush that was creeping up his neck. 

"I'm really glad you talked to me that one day, though," Crowley smiled after a brief pause, letting his hand slip from Ezra's shoulder. "You're really easy to talk to."

Ezra looked up and swallowed, then smiled back a little shakily. "Th-thanks. I um. I'm glad you can talk to me. It's always good to have people to talk to." 

"Yeah, um…" Crowley mumbled, looking down at his lap and then back up again, his smile a little sheepish. "Do you think I'm doing alright in class? I...I don't always know if I'm smart enough for university...especially compared to some people I know." 

"What mark did you get on the last essay?" Ezra asked, taking another long sip from his coke. 

Crowley swallowed, looking down at his hands. "Eighty-two." 

Ezra nearly spat out his drink. 

"Jesus! And you think you might not be smart enough? That's a great mark!" 

"But-" 

"Anthony, you can't not be happy with that," Ezra pressed gently. "A seventy is already a first, you're doing great." 

Crowley shifted uncomfortably, looking away. "It's not just about marks, though. I...I don't read very much, I'm not…I'm not into art or books like my friends. I'm not super into art museums or theatre. I'm just...not very smart." 

Ezra sighed, setting his glass aside and turning slightly to face Crowley. "There's a lot of different kinds of smart, you know," he said softly, and Crowley curled his lip, but Ezra went on quickly before he could say anything. "It's true. And just because you don't like reading doesn't mean you're not smart. Reading is time consuming, and art can be overwhelming. I tried to get into art history for a while, and there's just too much to learn. It's okay to have interests that aren't the ones everyone thinks are intellectual. And besides, you told me you wouldn't understand the play we went to, but you were laughing at all the jokes, and I could tell you really enjoyed it, so you must have understood it. You're being too hard on yourself, I promise you." 

Crowley was blushing bright red now, and sniffed quietly, shaking his head ever so slightly. "You'll make me ruin my makeup." 

Ezra chuckled, his fingers trembling just a little as he reached out and gently ran his hand down Crowley's arm. "That's okay. I just...I don't like seeing people try to be perfect like that, because I used to be the same. I used to beat myself up over every good mark because I still wanted better ones, I used to try to 'improve myself' in my spare time. But it just made me miserable, and I don't want to see you miserable like that." 

"Thank you," Crowley said simply, not looking at Ezra, not quite yet. He swallowed hard, staring down at his hands instead, then closed his eyes for a few moments. 

The sound of singing suddenly rose up from downstairs, a rather drunken and off-kilter rendition of 'happy birthday.' 

Ezra chuckled, leaning his head back against the wall again. "They're all already sloshed." 

Crowley managed a soft laugh, his eyes still closed. "I've barely even been tipsy, but I didn't like that very much. I can't imagine how awful being that drunk is." 

"It's not a whole lot of fun," Ezra sighed, glancing towards the door when he heard footsteps on the stairs. "I stopped getting drunk after my first year, it stopped being fun and was getting in the way of my studies. I still drink sometimes because I like the taste, but I don't get drunk." 

"Yeah, I like the taste of wine. Red wine mostly," Crowley admitted, and Ezra looked over at him with a bright smile. 

"Really? I have a bottle of red downstairs, we could share some." 

"I'd like that, actually," Crowley smiled in response, still seeming a little shy. "Thank you." 

"I'll be right back," Ezra announced, sliding off the bed and slipping out of the room. As he headed downstairs, he couldn't keep the grin off his face. He was actually properly  _ talking _ to Crowley, and he couldn't believe how quickly it had become easy and casual. 

Ezra managed to slip into the kitchen unnoticed and grab the bottle from the fridge without too much fuss, despite the obscenely loud music and the throngs of drunk people apparently determined to get in the way. 

When he got back to his room, Crowley was on his phone, but he tucked it away quickly, smiling up at Ezra as he poured two generous glasses. 

Ezra handed one to Crowley before sitting down next to him again and staring down into his own wine. 

"Are you okay?" Crowley asked after a moment, and Ezra looked up in surprise, a smile spreading across his face slowly. 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, I was...I zoned out, I think," he answered quickly, cursing himself in the privacy of his own head as he started to blush. "Happens sometimes." 

Crowley just grinned and took a long sip from his glass, then leaned his head back against the wall. "I don't think the culture of drinking in this country is safe," he announced quietly, looking up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Especially at university. Everyone thinks it's normal to get blackout drunk practically every night and go to every lecture hungover. And if you don't like drinking, most people will just try to make you do it."

"Yep," Ezra agreed, swirling his wine in his glass just to watch it spin. "It's a factory for alcoholics, and something needs to change." 

"I feel like the UK has always had a big problem, though, and it's just that no one ever does anything about it," Crowley sighed, looking down again to take another long sip from his drink. "We never really talk about it, and no one has changed the law in ages." 

"Yeah, it's incredibly frustrating," Ezra replied, glancing at Crowley again and finding himself a little distracted by those beautiful freckles as Crowley just stared into his drink. 

Then he sighed softly and lifted his head, flashing Ezra a small smile. "I guess we're not going to change anything by just talking about it. But I wouldn't know where to start." 

Ezra shrugged, trying to tear his attention away from Crowley's eyes long enough to come up with a coherent sentence. "I uh...I wouldn't know either." 

Silence fell for a moment, and Crowley finished off his glass. Ezra leaned over and grabbed the bottle, quickly topping his glass up and flashing him a brief smile. "You don't have to have any more than you're comfortable with, but I wouldn't want you to go thirsty." 

Crowley chuckled, his eyes a little brighter than usual, his laugh a little louder already. "Thanks. You know, I think you're the sweetest person I've met in a while. People always seem to be too busy to talk or just...I don't know. They just don't care. But you're genuinely just...really nice," he smiled, unaware that Ezra was practically melting behind his blush. 

He swallowed hard, looking down into his glass quickly in a hopeless attempt to hide the emotion on his face. "I...thank you," he mumbled, his voice coming out a little strangled by the lump forming in his throat. 

Crowley just shrugged, taking another long sip of wine. "It's true. I don't think I'm one of those people. People who light up the room when they walk in. I'm just too awkward." 

Ezra bit back the reply he really wanted to say, pushing it down deep and instead serving up the edited version. "I don't think you're that awkward, you got used to talking to me quite quickly." 

"Yeah, I'm okay when people start conversations, I'm just not good at initiating them myself," Crowley sighed softly, his face falling slightly as he looked away. "I just wish I was more outgoing." 

"Not everyone is cut out to be super extroverted, though," Ezra pointed out gently, watching the side of Crowley's face worriedly. "I'm the same, I'm not good at initiating conversations with people I don't know, but I don't mind it. Having a lot of friends would stress me out, so I put a lot of time into the ones I have." 

Crowley sighed and looked at his glass again before taking another drink. "I guess you're right. I'd probably get stressed having a lot of friends, too. I'm not good with big groups." 

"Maybe we should change the subject," Ezra suggested after a moment of silence. "I feel like this topic is getting us down." 

Crowley chuckled, but he'd had quite a bit of wine for someone who didn't really drink, and his laugh could be more accurately described as a giggle by then. "True. What's a fun topic? Have you ever been in a relationship?" 

Ezra tensed immediately, those golden eyes suddenly on him, pinning him down like a specimen on a corkboard. "Uh...yeah. I've had a couple, but they uhh...didn't last long, and didn't end that well." 

Crowley's smile faded and he nodded slightly. "I've never actually been in one. Never even been kissed," he admitted quietly, and Ezra looked at him in genuine shock. 

"Really? Never?" 

Crowley sighed and shrugged, rubbing the side of his nose in embarrassment. "No. I guess...I guess no one has ever wanted to." 

Ezra stared at him for a moment, the words crawling up his throat, slamming against his teeth, begging to be said. But he swallowed them quickly and just shook his head slightly. 

"I'm sure that's not true. They've just been...been too shy to tell you." 

That got a snort from Crowley, but he didn't argue. "That wasn't a fun topic, after all. What about...movies. What was the last movie you saw that you liked?" 

Ezra thought for a moment, then finished off his glass and shrugged. "I saw  _ Psycho _ for the first time recently, that was pretty good. I'm not really 'into' movies, at least not more than the average person, I guess." 

Crowley giggled again and Ezra just stared at him for a moment, taking in how happy and relaxed he looked when he was laughing. He tore himself away before Crowley could notice him staring and grabbed the wine bottle again. 

He poured himself a glass, then leaned over to fill Crowley's, just as he himself leaned in. Their faces ended up only a few inches apart, Ezra's shocked gaze firmly on Crowley's eyes, which weren't quite meeting his. Crowley's gaze was, in fact, angled down slightly, but flickered up after a moment, unsure and a little afraid. 

Ezra swallowed hard, the blush burning his cheeks as he moved back quickly, filling Crowley's glass to cover his embarrassment. He tried to brush the moment off, to pretend it hadn't happened as he turned away hurriedly, setting the bottle back on the table. It was just an accident, it was just because Crowley was tipsy. He  _ had _ to convince himself of that, he simply had to. He couldn't think it could have been anything else, because he couldn't let himself be disappointed. And he couldn't let himself make a move that he would regret, or that Crowley would regret when he was fully sober. 

Luckily, he was too busy thinking about all this to notice the disappointment in Crowley's eyes, otherwise he would have found it much, much harder to convince himself to let go. 

When Ezra finally looked over at Crowley again, he had downed half his glass, his fingers trembling slightly as he stared into the dark liquid. 

"I think...I think maybe you shouldn't have any more," Ezra suggested as gently as he could, reaching out for Crowley's glass. He gave it over without a protest, even nodding slightly as Ezra set both their glasses aside. 

"I do feel a bit woozy," Crowley admitted quietly. "And I do have to get the bus home at some point." 

"I shouldn't have suggested it, I-" 

"No, it was nice," Crowley protested, his eyes snapping up to meet Ezra's again, at last. "I enjoyed it, I just need to stop now. It's not a big deal." 

Ezra just nodded and Crowley smiled to himself, moving around to lay down on his back on the bed, stretched out in front of Ezra and giggling as his top rode up and he tried to pull it down. But Ezra had already caught a glimpse of his tattoo, a small portion of a large black and grey snake. 

"I didn't know you had tattoos," he blurted out before he could think better of it, and Crowley grinned at him, red hair wild on the sheets around him.

"Oh yeah, just the one. But it's huge," he announced, pointing to the vicinity of his left shoulder. "Goes from here across my torso all the way down, and wraps around my leg a few times. It took like a week to get done in total, but it was absolutely worth it." 

Ezra swallowed hard, watching Crowley's hand as he gestured to the top of his thigh, saying something about how that part had hurt the worst. Ezra had, in all honesty, stopped listening to imagine that snake, curving across Crowley's tan skin, highlighting his body, showing off his shape. He longed to run his fingers over it, even having only seen a tiny glimpse. 

"Do you have any tattoos?" 

The question jerked Ezra back into the real world, and he swallowed, trying desperately to banish those images of Crowley's tattooed thigh. "Uhh. Yeah, I've got two small ones. I 

can't...I can't really show them to you," he admitted with a blush, and Crowley shrugged. 

"You can just tell me, if you like. But you don't have to." 

Ezra looked at him for a moment, then sighed. "Maybe when we know each other a little better. They're fairly personal." 

"Okay," Crowley answered simply, interlocking his fingers and resting the back of his head in his hands. His shirt rode up again, and Ezra forced himself not to look at that dangerously intriguing tattoo. "You know, it's oddly peaceful up here. Even with all the music and shouting. It's muffled, and it sounds weirdly...far away," he went on quietly, and Ezra nodded slightly. 

"I know what you mean." 

Silence fell for a few moments while they both listened to the muffled sounds of the party below, but it didn't last long before Crowley spoke up. 

"I wish I felt confident in myself, like...to wear sweatpants to class more often, and just...not care about my appearance sometimes." 

Ezra looked at him in surprise, eyebrows raised slightly. "Really? I always assumed you were just...full of confidence." 

"Most people seem to think so," Crowley sighed. "And I am, when I'm dressed well and have makeup on and everything. But I want to have that confidence to not care about what I'm wearing and still feel good about myself." 

Ezra swallowed, then slowly lay down beside Crowley, staring up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "If it helps anything, I think you looked just as attractive that one time you came to class in sweats. I think you look great without makeup; partly, but not wholly, because I like your freckles. I just...I don't think you could look ugly if you tried." 

Crowley smiled to himself, turning his head to study the side of Ezra's face. "That does help, just a little." 

"Good," Ezra answered simply, then sighed quietly. "I know what you mean, though. I get really insecure a lot. Especially around...around people I think are attractive. I start feeling...well, fat and clumsy and...and just  _ bad. _ I feel like my body is too big for me and just...disgusting." 

Swallowing wasn't enough to get rid of the lump that had formed in Ezra's throat all over again. He could barely breathe in the silence, waiting for Crowley to say something,  _ anything. _

"I don't think you're any of those things," Crowley said at last, his voice soft and genuine. "I think you look like your personality. You look sweet and approachable and kind. And I truly, honestly think those things are more important than whether someone is hot or whatever. Not to say that I don't think you're attractive, because I do. I just think that your personality shines through the best, and I like that about you." 

Ezra could feel the tears welling up in his chest, so he took a deep breath, trying to force them down quickly. "Thank you," he managed, closing his eyes for a moment. Crowley reached out and touched his shoulder lightly, making him jump just a little. 

"I know how you feel. I used to hate my body for a lot of reasons, and I'm just starting to get better. It takes time, but it's doable. And if you ever need to talk about it, I'm here," Crowley murmured, and Ezra swallowed again, his fingers curling slightly at the effort of trying to suppress his emotions. 

"Thank you...I just...I'm sorry, I can't talk about this any more." 

"That's okay," Crowley said quickly, his hand resting on Ezra's shoulder now, his thumb stroking back and forth lightly. "Uh. Are you enjoying class? I know it's a really basic question, but I'm not good under pressure." 

Ezra forced a smile, but the longer he held it, the easier it became. "Yeah, I am. I was worried, since it's so different from what I usually do, but I've found it really interesting so far," he answered quietly, his voice getting stronger as he spoke. "How about you? Do you like your course?" 

Crowley let his hand slide away from Ezra's shoulder, folding both his hands on his chest instead. "Yeah, there's some parts of it I don't like so much, like the research methods bits, but overall, I enjoy it. And the only reason I don't like those parts is because I find them hard," he chuckled, and Ezra smiled, trying to shake off the feeling that his shoulder was freezing and burning at the same time. 

"That's good, it's always good to hear that people enjoy their courses," Ezra answered simply, closing his eyes for a few moments. "I talk to too many people who hate university and it makes me wonder why they came at all." 

"Probably because you need a degree for any job these days," Crowley pointed out as he sat up, shaking his hair out and glancing towards the door. "It's getting quieter down there now. What's the time?" 

Ezra hummed, reaching for his phone and checking the time. "Uh...eleven twenty." 

When he looked up, Crowley was struggling with his hair, trying to part the tangled waves into three sections. 

"Hmm, I should probably go soon," Crowley announced, his voice still sounding just a little slurred. "I've got an early class tomorrow." 

"Yeah, that makes sense," Ezra sighed, not wanting him to go, but still trying to sound bright and calm. "Do you need some help with that?" 

Crowley giggled quietly, shaking his head as he tried to pull a tangle apart with his fingers. "I think so, Jesus! I've never had this much trouble." 

Ezra chuckled softly at the sound of Crowley's bubbly laugh, shifting closer to him and carefully teasing out the tangles. It only took a few moments to separate the hair, and then Ezra was plaiting the sections quickly and easily, trying not to let his hands shake with the knowledge that he was touching that beautiful, perfect hair. He could see that Crowley's eyes were closed, a small smile playing at his lips, and felt something in his chest tighten. 

"I forgot how good it feels to have someone plait my hair for me," Crowley announced just as Ezra finished the plait, taking the band Crowley handed to him and wrapping it around the end a few times. 

"I'll do it anytime you like," Ezra grinned, tucking the plait over Crowley's shoulder before sitting back and watching as he laid down again. 

"Mm, thank you," he mumbled, his eyes already closed. "I really should go, but it's...I'm tired." 

"How about I walk you to the bus stop?" Ezra suggested gently, still reluctant to see Crowley leave, but clearly recognising the exhaustion on his face. "That way, you have to get up now and come with me." 

Crowley gave a deep sigh, his eyes opening again and staring up at the ceiling blankly. "That would be nice." 

After a few long moments, he still hadn't moved, so Ezra got up quickly, tugging his shoes on. "Come on," he announced brightly, getting a soft groan in response. "I can tell you're exhausted, you need to get home." 

Crowley rolled his eyes, but sat up at last, stifling a yawn as he grabbed for his shoes.

Ezra folded his arms over his chest as soon as they left the house, already wishing he'd brought a thicker coat. Crowley had borrowed one of his sweatshirts, and although he was a good few inches taller than Ezra, it still hung baggy off him, the sleeves scrunched up around his wrists. He looked unbearably adorable in it, in fact, especially over those fitted black pants, and Ezra was almost regretting lending it to him. Almost. 

Crowley dug his wallet out of his pocket as they walked, his fingers fumbling to get his bus pass out of the little sleeve. "Fuck," he muttered to himself, and Ezra moved a little closer to him, gently taking the wallet from his unresisting hands. 

"Am I getting mugged?" Crowley joked, his grin still a little unsteady. Ezra rolled his eyes, but chuckled anyway, easily slipping the bus pass from the wallet's pocket and handing both back to Crowley. 

"Yeah, I'm playing the long game. Works better than knives," Ezra grinned, and Crowley nodded slowly. 

"Makes sense. You befriend someone, invite them to a fake party, and then take the whole…" he checked his wallet, tugging out a five pound note. "Five quid from their wallet." 

"I see a campus coffee punch card in there, and it's almost full, that's gotta be worth something," Ezra pointed out with a wicked smile, enjoying the game immensely. It had been far too long since he'd joked around with someone as easily as this. "Maybe like two quid? That's a whole seven quid, definitely worth it." 

Crowley abruptly stopped walking and slouched against the bus stop pole, shaking his head slightly. "We would make awful criminals. I guess it's a good thing we're at university." 

A little concerned by Crowley's unusually casual stance, Ezra shoved his hands in his pockets and glanced over the bus schedule before settling in to wait. After a couple minutes, Crowley gave him an odd look. 

"I thought you were going home?" 

Ezra gave a soft sigh and shrugged. "You still seem tipsy," he replied honestly, his gaze fixed unwaveringly on Crowley's bright golden eyes. "I would rather see you get on a bus." 

Crowley looked like he wanted to say something, but instead opted for a simple nod. "Thanks. And thanks for inviting me, I had fun. Even if we didn't really...party," he said softly, his smile a little sheepish. "And even if you do smoke." 

"Hey, I'm quitting," Ezra protested, but he was still smiling. After all, Crowley's tone had still been playful, and he couldn't bring himself to be annoyed, not after such a lovely evening. "And I'm glad you came, it was really good to see you." 

Crowley glanced at him, something unreadable in his expression, then opened his mouth to say something just as the bus turned down the street and he had to look away to wave it down. It pulled up with a hiss of air and Crowley shot Ezra a quick smile. "See you later!" 

"Have a safe trip home," Ezra called back, then watched as Crowley got on the bus and it pulled away from the stop. He stood there for a second or two longer, then sighed and turned to walk home. All he wanted to do was curl up and maybe fantasize about holding a certain someone in his arms, so he began to walk a little faster, hurrying through the cold night air back towards his bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this ridiculously long chapter!   
I'm putting it up probably a little earlier than I should as I'm only currently writing chapter eight, but oh well. I was a bit late with the last one and I'm impatient, so here you are :) I'm feeling stressed about some stuff, so hopefully this will make me feel a bit better lol


	5. Chapter Five

There had been a certain amount of fantasizing the night before, but it had, unfortunately, made way for the overthinking. Every little detail of their conversation scrutinised, every touch analysed, every look Crowley gave him studied. Ezra hadn't ended up sleeping until quite late, so he decided to take a day off class the next day - he only had one lecture, in any case - and slept in late. Late being until about noon, when he woke up and began to clean. There were empty bottles strewn everywhere in the house, so he went around with a bag and picked them all up, dumping them straight into the recycling. He vacuumed the floors, did the washing up, cleaned the kitchen, and finally tidied his own bedroom. 

It made him feel like he was at least doing something, and kept his mind occupied so he couldn't keep thinking about Crowley. It wasn't necessarily that he didn't  _ want _ to think about Crowley, but he didn't want to become obsessed. Although he rather thought that ship might have sailed already. 

Ezra took a break at about five, and was watching some Netflix in bed when his phone chimed. He picked it up and smiled to himself when he read the name on the screen - Anthony J. Crowley. 

_ Hey, I know this might be a bit of a weird request, but do you think I could come over to yours to study this evening? My flat is going to be loud again and I have a lot to get done.  _

Ezra typed out an answer immediately, letting him know he was welcome anytime and they could order pizza. Crowley sent back a few smiley faces and an announcement that he would leave in about ten minutes. Ezra just replied with a thumbs-up and settled down to wait, a permanent little smile tugging at his lips. 

* * *

After about half an hour, the doorbell rang and Ezra shot off the bed, clattering down the stairs to wrench the door open. Crowley looked a bit shocked, but smiled immediately, his eyes lighting up. His backpack was slung over one shoulder, his hair still trapped in a messy plait, but most remarkable about his appearance was the fact that he was wearing the sweatshirt he'd borrowed last night, along with his sweatpants. 

"I uh...didn't really feel like getting dressed again after I got back from class," he admitted quietly, obviously seeing something in Ezra's expression. 

"Oh, that's okay. It surprised me, is all," Ezra chuckled, stepping aside to let him in as the blush rose. "Would you like a drink?" He didn't tell Crowley that the only reason he himself was dressed was because he wanted to be presentable for Crowley. Well, not presentable, definitely a few steps above presentable, but perhaps that was the 'at least' scenario. 

"Um. Could I just have some water, please?" Crowley asked politely, crouching down to unlace his converse. "I love this house, by the way. It's so quiet compared to my accommodation." 

"Yeah, I remember living on campus," Ezra hummed, taking a glass down from the cupboard. "It's hard to get anything done. I think Anathema is with Newt this afternoon and Carmine is...I think I heard her leave at like three, so she probably has a shift at work. Anyway, we have the house to ourselves for a bit, wherever she went." 

Crowley stood up, kicking his shoes off and wandering into the kitchen just as Ezra finished filling the glass and handed it over to him. He took it with a soft 'thank you' and drank a few sips, standing around awkwardly. Ezra swallowed at least some of his nerves and finally spoke up again. 

"Do you want to work at the table in the living room? It might be easier than trying to work in my room." 

Crowley's slightly awkward expression broke into a bright smile and he nodded quickly. "That sounds good, I brought all my homework. I find it really hard to study when there's parties and stuff going on." 

"I don't blame you," Ezra smiled, glancing towards the table and wincing before hurrying over to clean it off. Still looking a bit awkward, Crowley trailed behind him, his glass held in both hands. "I can't study when it's loud either," Ezra went on, quickly moving everything off the table and onto the bay window's sill. 

"Yeah, and the noise from parties and just people talking in general makes me really anxious," Crowley sighed, sitting down when Ezra pushed out a chair for him. "Thanks. How are you today, anyway? I forgot to ask."

Ezra glanced at him in mild surprise, then smiled. "I'm good, actually. A little tired, but feeling positive today." 

Crowley chuckled softly, leaning down to take his laptop out of the bag he'd set down by his chair. "I wish I could say the same. But I'm glad you're doing well." 

Ezra swallowed, sitting down next to Crowley a little abruptly. "Do you want to talk about anything?" 

Heaving a sigh, Crowley paused for a moment, simply staring at the table. "Not right now. I need to get work done first." 

“Okay, I’m just going to get some of my work,” Ezra announced, trying to shove down his worry as he got up, hurrying to the stairs.

By the time Ezra had gone back downstairs with his laptop and a thick textbook, Crowley was already deeply immersed in his own reading, so he had set up without a word, and they worked solidly in almost complete silence for over an hour. 

Ezra finished the chapter he was on and closed his book, looking up at his companion, who was still typing rather hesitantly in a document labeled ‘term one essay.’ 

“Crowley?” 

He didn’t look up, but hummed in acknowledgement of Ezra’s quiet interruption. 

“Do you want to take a break for pizza? We’ve been working for a while,” he suggested gently, studying the side of Crowley’s face and inspecting his look of intense, slightly frustrated concentration. “You seem like you could use a break.”    


“Let me just finish this sentence,” Crowley sighed, so Ezra nodded and opened his laptop, pulling up the online order page for the nearest pizza restaurant. He started looking through the pages, humming to himself almost under his breath until Crowley finally closed the document and turned his attention to Ezra. 

“I’m fine with just plain cheese,” he spoke up simply, and Ezra nodded. 

“Me too, do you think a large will be enough for both of us?”    
“Yeah, and some garlic bread,” Crowley smiled, and Ezra clicked a few buttons to add both selections to their order. 

“Good choice,” he chuckled, clicking through to the basket. “We have some drinks here, will that be enough for you?” 

Crowley nodded, opening the document on his computer again and squinting at it for a moment. “Yeah, should be. Thanks.”    
“Of course,” Ezra smiled, paying for the pizza quickly and closing his laptop again to go back to his book. 

Silence fell for a good half hour, comfortable and full of the scratching of pens on paper and pages turning, the ambient, soothing sounds of learning, until it was interrupted by the doorbell. 

Ezra got up immediately, opening the front door and taking the pizzas with a polite 'thank you' and a smile. He carried the boxes into the kitchen and was quickly joined by Crowley. 

They managed to sort out the plates in a fairly short amount of time and hurried back to the table, where they both sat down and cleared a space for their plates. 

Crowley didn't begin to eat immediately, however, instead spending a moment or two shifting uneasily in his seat until he finally spoke up. "I um. I have this...thing about other people hearing me eat. I used to live with someone who would get really angry with me if I made too much noise, and...I just need some background noise. Is that okay?" 

Ezra nodded hurriedly, swallowing his mouthful. "Yeah, of course! I...I'm not bothering you, am I? I'd hate to-" 

"No, it's fine, it's about me rather than you," Crowley insisted nervously, the blush rising in his cheeks interacting with his freckles to somehow make them even more obvious on his perfect skin. "I could put a TV show on? Have you ever seen the Office?"

"I've heard of it, but no," Ezra answered with a shrug, unable to tear his attention away from that dusting of beautiful little stars. "I've heard people say it's boring," he added, feeling that he needed to make a greater contribution than simply saying he hadn't seen it. 

Crowley smiled and opened his laptop, starting to load a web page. "I like it, I think it's funny. Maybe I could put an episode on?" 

"Yeah, I'll give anything a try once," Ezra nodded, still busy studying Crowley, allowing himself to take in every little detail, etching the picture in his mind so he could always remember everything about him. He never wanted to forget a single detail. 

In fact, Ezra was so absorbed in his companion that he missed the first couple minutes of the show, but managed to get it together after that, enough to pay attention and laugh along with the jokes. Surprisingly enough, he actually found it enjoyable, and once it was over and the plates were cleared, they watched a second one. 

Crowley was all geared up to watch a third, but Ezra gently reminded him they had to get back to work, and got that wonderfully adorable blush as a response, as well as a stammered 'of course.' 

"Do you need help with any of your stuff?" Ezra asked quietly, watching as Crowley closed the webpage and reopened the document he'd been typing on. 

Crowley glanced at Zira in surprise, then smiled and shook his head slightly. "No, but thank you. I don't find the work as hard as actually getting started on it." 

"Yeah, I can understand that. There's always a thousand other distractions," he chuckled, nodding as he began to get out his own papers again. "Just let me know if you do need anything." 

* * *

Silence fell between them again, but was interrupted about an hour later by the scraping of a key in the front door's lock. Crowley jumped violently, glancing towards the door with worried eyes, but Ezra just smiled at him. 

"It's just Anathema," he said calmly, just before the door swung open and Anathema walked in, already talking. 

"Ezra, you won't believe what Newt told me today, he said that-" she walked into the living room and stopped immediately, eyes wide for a moment, before she recovered and flashed a bright smile. "Hey, Crowley. How are you?" 

"We were just getting some work done," Ezra announced quietly after a brief pause, and Crowley's ears turned a little pink as he looked down toward the table. 

"Oh, cool. I guess I'd better leave you to it, then?" Anathema asked, glancing between the two of them, her gaze a little worried when it settled on the unresponsive Crowley. 

"Well, we could take a break for a bit," Ezra suggested, leaning towards Crowley and gently touching his arm. "How would you feel about a break?" 

Crowley twitched slightly, but smiled at Ezra as if nothing was wrong. "That sounds good." 

"Alright, how about I go get us a snack of some kind to take upstairs?" 

"Sure, I'll um...come help," Crowley muttered quickly, getting up and heading into the kitchen ahead of Ezra. Anathema glanced after him, then shot Ezra a look of confusion and worry. 

"Do you think I've upset him?" She asked quietly, and Ezra shrugged, then shook his head. 

"I think he's just anxious. Give him some time," he smiled, then slipped into the kitchen to find Crowley leaning against the wall, typing something on his phone. 

"What do you fancy? I've got crisps, sweets, and chocolate," Ezra announced cheerfully, causing Crowley to look up quickly, confusion fading as a slow smile took its place. 

"Um. Maybe some of each?" He suggested, the smile turning playful and making Ezra feel rather warm, despite the fact that the kitchen was rather chilly. 

"Sure, we can have a feast," he managed, just about forcing his voice to remain normal as he opened his cupboard and dug around, pulling out a few different packets. Then he led Crowley upstairs without a word, pushing open his bedroom door and dumping the snacks on the bedside table. Crowley took his shoes off carefully, then climbed onto the bed, sitting as he had before with his back against the wall, knees drawn up against his chest. Ezra turned and smiled at him, but those golden eyes weren't looking at him; they were fixed on Crowley's own knees. 

"You okay?" Ezra asked gently, slowly sitting down next to him. Crowley looked up, blinking as if woken from a doze, a quick, unconvincing smile flashing across his face without reaching his eyes. 

"Yeah. Just...kinda tired. I...I heard what Anathema said as well, and..." he trailed off, looking down at his sweatpants and picking at a loose thread absentmindedly. "I just...it made me feel a bit guilty." 

"You don't have anything to feel guilty about," Ezra soothed quickly, reaching over to rub Crowley's shoulder gently. "I understand having anxiety about people, and she does as well. Her boyfriend can have bad social anxiety, so it’s something she’s used to." 

Crowley nodded slightly, taking a slow breath and still not quite looking at his companion. "I guess I just want to explain. I...when I told you about that person who used to get mad at me about eating...that was my...well, I guess the easiest description is my stepsister, even though our parents were never married. She lived with me and my dad for a while and she had her own issues, but…" he sighed, dragging his hands down his face for a long moment. "It sounds stupid, but she shattered my confidence in having women friends. She used to bully me about eating, about my appearance, all this stuff. And I think she talked behind my back to all the girls I knew at school...I don't know what she said to them, but every time I tried to make friends with them, they'd call me names and stuff. I'm…" he trailed off with another sigh and Ezra swallowed hard, forcing his hand to start moving again, squeezing Crowley's shoulder as comfortingly as he could manage. "I'm mostly over it, it's just sometimes it...I just get nervous around women," Crowley finished lamely, looking away for a while before turning to face Ezra, his expression almost pleading. 

"Please don't think I'm weird." 

Ezra looked into those hopeful golden eyes and just smiled sadly. "I don't think you're weird, I was just trying to gather my thoughts. I'm really sorry that happened to you, and I can understand why that made things hard for you," he began quietly, looking down at his own lap to take a break from the intensity of Crowley's anxious gaze. "Anathema would never-" 

"I know, because I know you wouldn't be friends with her if she was like that, it's just.." Crowley cut himself off with a heavy swallow before going on. "With the thing that happened at the party with Carmine...I was okay at the time, but the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable it makes me, and I think it just brought everything back up to the surface a bit. I'll be okay, I know I will, it's just...some things take time." 

Ezra nodded slowly, reaching over and gently taking one of Crowley's hands, his throat suddenly getting too tight as Crowley turned his hand over immediately, interlacing their fingers as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "I...I understand," Ezra forced out, trying to squash his reaction so Crowley wouldn't notice, but barely able to regulate his own breathing as he stared at their hands. "You don't ever have to worry about Carmine being here when you come over, okay? I'll make sure she's out. Did she...did she do anything I didn't see?" He asked as gently as he could, and Crowley shook his head slightly, his gaze also fixed firmly on their hands, on Ezra's bitten, plain nails next to Crowley's perfectly manicured bright red ones. 

"No, but the thing she said to me was...pretty explicit," he muttered, and Ezra nodded slowly, squeezing Crowley's hand lightly as he tried to ignore the irrational flash of guilt. 

"I'm sorry, if I'd have known she was going to be like that-" 

"It's fine," Crowley said quickly, taking a slow breath in and forcing a small smile as Ezra glanced up at him. "I'm doing alright, really. And it's really not your fault, I know you wouldn't knowingly put me in harm's way. You're too sweet," he went on, causing Ezra's cheeks to burn with embarrassment, but tinged with something like pride. 

"Thanks," he mumbled simply, not quite sure how else to reply, and Crowley just smiled at him. 

"How about a change of subject?" Ezra suggested a little too brightly after a short silence, and Crowley chuckled softly, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. 

"It was nice studying with you today, I think I got a lot more done than I would have on my own," he said quietly, his grip on Ezra's hand loosening a little. 

"Do you have a lot of work coming up?" 

"Don't we all?" Crowley grinned, keeping his eyes closed as he shifted slightly, stretching his legs out in front of him. 

"True. I have a shitton of work for over the break," Ezra complained, leaning his head back as well, but keeping his eyes open to stare off at nothing. "I'm still looking forward to Christmas though, are you?" 

Crowley tensed beside him immediately, his fingers tightening in Ezra's and causing his companion to look over quickly. 

"You okay?" Ezra asked softly, and Crowley opened his eyes slowly, then shook his head slightly. He didn't look at Ezra, but kept a tight grip on his hand. 

"Can I tell you something you can't tell anyone else?" 

"Of course," Ezra answered without having to think, his natural curiosity taking over from his brain for just a moment. "If you want, that is," he corrected himself hurriedly, but Crowley didn't seem to notice, rubbing the side of his nose lightly. 

"I um. My mum died when I was nine," he spoke up softly, and Ezra immediately went still, apart from his thumb stroking rhythmically over Crowley's in a rather feeble attempt at comfort. "It um. It was hard for me, but I've dealt with it. Well…um. You know I said I moved here for personal reasons, right?" Crowley asked, but plunged on ahead before Ezra could answer, his voice already thick with emotion. "My dad passed away over the summer. And basically I'd been going to uni in my hometown, but after he died, I just...I just couldn't stay there. With all those memories around, and everything...so I transferred here. I'm...I'm doing okay, making friends and all that, but I just...I don't really have anyone to spend Christmas with, and...and I'm sorry to bring everything we talk about down and make it all sad and everything, but...but yeah. I'm not really looking forward to the break," Crowley mumbled, sniffling and brushing a stray tear off his cheek hurriedly. Ezra just stared at him for a moment, a huge lump in his throat and a crack down the middle of his soul. 

"Christ," he muttered to himself, then gently pulled Crowley into a hug, holding him loosely at first, then squeezing him tightly when he reciprocated, even digging his fingertips into Ezra's back. 

"It's alright, I've got you," Ezra murmured, simply because he had no idea what else to say, even as Crowley pressed himself closer silently, his face buried in Ezra's neck, fingers twisting in his shirt. "I...you could come to mine," Ezra suggested after a moment, his arms tightening protectively around that slender body, hands spreading on Crowley's back as he trembled ever so slightly. "If you want. You could come spend Christmas with me and my family...and I'll be right here when I'm not there. I'll be here for you, I promise. I...I know it's going to be shitty, but I'll help, in any way I can," he went on, his own voice getting thick as he felt that lump in his throat growing, the corners of his eyes pricking. "I'll take care of you."

Crowley suddenly took a deep breath in, pulling away from Ezra's arms and burying his face in his hands. Immediately awkward, Ezra tried to rub his shoulder, his hand trembling slightly, but Crowley shrugged him off and let out a heartfelt sigh. He finally lifted his head once more and pinned Ezra with a look so sad it froze his heart in his chest. 

"I'd like that. Very, very much," he said softly, and Ezra almost burst into tears, quickly gathering Crowley up into another gentle hug. The embrace was less frantic than the last, Crowley's fingers much less needy, much calmer as he leaned into Ezra's chest, his head turned to the side to look away from him. It was calm and comforting and quiet, and Ezra simply held Crowley, not tight or loose, just holding, running one hand up and down his back slowly. 

After what felt like days, Ezra had to reluctantly let go of his companion, allowing him to pull away and sit up, rubbing those beautiful amber eyes with the heels of his hands. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get emotional," Crowley mumbled, his voice sounding odd in the quiet room, now that Ezra was so used to the silence. 

"It's okay. It's what friends are for," he answered matter-of-factly, and was immensely gratified to see the hint of a smile on Crowley's tired face. "But maybe you should go home. It's getting quite late and you seem exhausted," Ezra murmured, but he might as well have suggested Crowley dip his toe into a bath of lava, judging by his reaction. 

Surprise registered first, followed by uncertainty and disappointment, even a touch of hurt. "I...I don't really feel like going home," Crowley admitted after a moment or two of silence, and Ezra nodded slightly. 

Those eyes were fixed on him, definitely pleading this time, and he knew he couldn't say no. Not to that innocent, sad face. 

He reached up, brushing a lock of Crowley's hair behind his ear with trembling fingers. 

Then he uttered the inevitable words, watched that perfect face relax into relief. "You can stay here, if you want. You'd have to sleep on my floor or the couch, but...but I don't mind." 

"Please," Crowley murmured, voice broken and soft. "Thank you so much." 

Ezra nodded quickly, flashing a sad smile as he began to unfold his legs. "Let me just go check with Anathema, okay? I'm sure she won't mind." 

With that, he got up and slipped out of the room, leaving Crowley lost on the bed as he hurried down the hall and knocked on Anathema's door lightly. 

"Yeah?" 

He pushed the door open enough to stick his head around it, smiling at his housemate as she looked up from her computer. "Hey, um...Crowley wants to stay tonight and sleep on the couch, is that alright with you? I just thought I should check." 

Anathema tapped the end of her pencil to her bottom lip, pushing her desk chair away from the desk with her feet. "Uh, yeah," she began thoughtfully, glancing at her phone as it buzzed. "Is he okay?" 

"I don't think so," Ezra sighed, shaking his head slightly. "But I think he will be. Do you know when Carmine is due back?" 

Anathema chuckled wryly, pushing her glasses up her nose with one finger. "Apparently she's gone home for the weekend. She didn't tell me or anything, I just saw it on her instagram." 

Ezra stared for a moment, then sighed quietly and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Let me guess...she did not-" 

"She didn't do her mountain of week-old dishes, no," Anathema cut in with a bright, fake grin. "Of course not. Why would any reasonable person do that when they could just forget about it for a whole weekend instead?" 

Ezra groaned and leaned against the doorframe for a moment. "Fuck's sake. Anyway, I'll um. I'll get him set up on the couch. I think he's tired, so if you need to do anything downstairs, I'd do it now." 

"Yeah, I'm all done downstairs, don't worry. And there's spare blankets and stuff on top of the wardrobe in the hallway, they're for anyone to use. And I think there's a spare toothbrush in the bathroom somewhere." 

"Thanks," Ezra answered simply, turning away to leave, but pulled back at the last moment by Anathema's voice. 

"Ezra?" 

He raised an eyebrow and she grinned. 

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." 

Ezra refrained from playful shouting or swearing for once, knowing that the house had fairly thin walls and he didn't want Crowley overhearing, so instead he flipped her off silently and backed out of the room, shutting the door behind him with a quiet, controlled click. 

He took a deep breath, trying to calm the blush burning across his cheeks before heading back into his room and smiling at Crowley, who quickly tucked his phone away. 

"Hey, she says it's fine, do you want to come get set up now? I want to make sure you have everything you need. Oh, and Carmine is away for the whole weekend, so you don't need to worry about that." 

Crowley nodded slightly, still seeming a bit distant and quiet as he got up and picked up his bag. Ezra decided not to push him any further and just led him out of the room, grabbing the spare blankets and pillows out of the wardrobe on the landing before heading downstairs. 

He set the pillows down on the couch carefully, then laid the blankets out, glancing up as Crowley hovered nervously nearby, his hands shoved in his pockets and his face betraying his discomfort. 

"You okay?" Ezra asked gently, and Crowley shrugged, then took a deep breath. 

"I'm just...I'm still kind of upset, I'm sorry," he murmured, looking at Ezra for a long moment, then turning his gaze to the floor. "I know...I know I overshared and you don't know me that well, and I'm...I'm just sorry."

Ezra sighed softly and walked over to him, reaching up to squeeze his shoulders gently. "Hey. You have nothing to apologise for, you didn't overshare and I know we don't know each other that well, but I like you, and I want to get to know you," he said firmly, although he was smiling calmly, his thumbs stroking over Crowley's slightly bony shoulders. "How about we watch some more of that show you like before you go to sleep? Would that make you feel more settled?" 

Crowley buried his face in his hands for a few seconds before replying, pressing his fingertips against his eyelids briefly. "Yeah, that would help," he mumbled, his voice a little thick as he dropped his hands and finally made eye contact with Ezra again, golden eyes depressed and exhausted. "Thank you. You're a really great friend." 

"You're always welcome, come sit down," Ezra smiled, his chest rather tight after 'great friend.'

They settled on the couch together in silence, and Ezra pulled up the webpage on his laptop, then set the next episode to play. 

After a few minutes, Crowley shifted slightly and began to lean into Ezra's side tentatively, his hand drifting to his companion's arm. Ezra smiled to himself and turned his arm over, leaving his palm facing the ceiling and keeping his eyes fixed on the screen. A few moments passed, and Crowley's hand slid into his, interlacing their fingers once again and squeezing lightly. 

Warmth spread through Ezra's chest, comforting and burning at the same time, so he just squeezed back, then went still, having to use all of his willpower to keep his gaze from wandering to Crowley. 

Another ten minutes or so and Crowley's head fell onto Ezra's shoulder, a soft sigh passing his lips as he got comfortable. Ezra almost swallowed his tongue, but managed to keep his composure despite everything. 

By the time the show was over, he was getting used to having Crowley so close, affectionately close, and when Crowley sat up, his weight lifting from Ezra's side and shoulder, Ezra felt cold and far too alone. 

"Do you feel okay to sleep now?" He asked quietly, and Crowley nodded, flashing him a smile that seemed at least mostly genuine. 

"Yeah, I'll be okay, thanks." 

Ezra looked at him for a moment, then smiled. "Okay. Don't forget to take your contacts out," he murmured, getting up and setting his laptop on the coffee table. Crowley stood up as well, another small smile spreading across his face as they stood close together, almost touching, but not quite. Crowley's eyes seemed to wander, and Ezra's heart pounded in his ears as he seemed to come a little closer, then moved away quickly. 

Ezra cursed himself in his own head, telling himself he should have leaned in, he should have made it clear. But he knew he couldn't - he wasn't sure that Crowley was interested, and if he couldn't be sure, then he wasn't making the first move. He couldn't leave himself open to rejection like that, not anymore. 

"Goodnight, I hope you sleep well," Ezra announced instead, and Crowley smiled, although it seemed rather more washed out than the last. Ezra chalked that up to wishful thinking and watched as Crowley sat down again. 

"Goodnight, you too," Crowley murmured, and Ezra hesitated for a moment before turning and heading for the stairs, still cursing himself with every bad word word he knew. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long, I've had a lot of work and drama at university and it's just been a bit of a Time for me lately. But I haven't given up, it's just been difficult to get stuff edited etc.   
Anyway, let me know what you think of this chapter! I hope you all enjoyed it :)  
<3


	6. Chapter Six

It had been odd to see Crowley disheveled the next morning. 

He'd seemed tired and sleepy still, his glasses fogging up every time he sipped from the tea Ezra had made him for breakfast. But he'd been relaxed and constantly smiling, and seemed much less awkward than the night before. 

Ezra had woken him up, made him breakfast, and now they were going back to campus, the cold morning air rather refreshing as they walked along in silence. 

"Thanks for letting me stay last night," Crowley spoke up at last, stirring Ezra from his thoughts and gently poking him into full consciousness. 

"You're welcome, it was nice to have you over," he said quickly, glancing up at his companion, who simply smiled. "Are you feeling better this morning?" 

"A little," Crowley sighed, kicking at the pavement lightly. "I don't know...I'm still in the grieving process, I guess. It's going to take some time, and I have to give myself a while, but it's hard sometimes. And uh...look, everything I told you last night...please don't tell anyone else, it's...it's personal."

"Of course," Ezra answered hurriedly, nodding emphatically along with his words. "Don't worry, I know it's your business and no one else's." 

"Thanks," Crowley mumbled, and went quiet, his hands still shoved deep in his pockets as they walked. Ezra allowed the silence to settle again, worried about his companion, but wanting to allow him space to think without interruption. 

They walked the rest of the way to campus without much more conversation, and parted ways as soon as they arrived - Crowley heading back to his flat to change, while Ezra made a beeline for the SU bar to meet Anathema. 

He found her sitting at a table in the corner, a mug of coffee in front of her while she worked at her laptop, but as soon as she saw him, she packed her stuff away and smiled up at him. 

"Hey, how are you doing?" She asked softly, and Ezra heaved a sigh, collapsing into the chair opposite her. 

"I don't really know," he mumbled, resting his chin in one hand and staring at the table. "It was nice having Crowley over, but...I'm worried about him, and I can't...I can't tell if he's interested in me or not. It's confusing." 

Anathema sighed, wrapping both her hands around her mug and looking at Ezra critically for a moment or two. "I'm worried about him too. He really is lovely, very sweet, but he seems sad quite a lot." 

"Especially last night," Ezra muttered, pressing the heel of his spare hand into his eye for a moment. "He told me not to tell anyone, but if I don't talk about it to someone, I...I don't know. I don't know how to help him. His dad died over the summer, and his mum when he was young."

Anathema blinked, then nodded and took a sip from her cup. "That would explain why he looks sad whenever nothing's happening. Like every time you stop talking to him, his face just...goes distant. I don't think you really can do anything except just being a good friend," she sighed, tapping one nail against the porcelain mug. "I guess keeping him busy couldn't hurt. Why don't you invite him to the book club? He seems like he'd enjoy that." 

Ezra nodded quickly, taking his phone out of his pocket. "That's a good idea. I've invited him to spend Christmas with my family, too, he seemed pleased about that. Um...I'll just message my mum and make sure that's okay," he mumbled, opening his text messaging app. 

Anathema snorted and smiled at him brightly. "They'll be delighted to have him, your mum  _ loves  _ bringing in strays. And she'll like him a lot." 

"She will, and so will Dad," Ezra smiled, typing out a quick message and sending it before moving to facebook messenger to invite Crowley to the book club Anathema ran. "They like 'interesting' people," he chuckled, then looked up at his friend thoughtfully. "He said something else I definitely shouldn't repeat in detail, but um...apparently he has trouble making friends with women sometimes, due to some...some past stuff. It's nothing personal with you, I think he really does want to get to know you, but after the party.." Ezra trailed off and Anathema winced, putting her mug down quickly. 

"Is this about the thing with Carmine? I saw her sort of grabbing him," she said quietly, leaning in a little as if trying to make the conversation more private. 

"Partly. Like that didn't help, at all, and he doesn't want to be around her again, but it's also mostly stuff that happened when he was younger," Ezra answered in the same low tone. "I think he'll be okay, it's just a matter of time." 

Anathema nodded, staring down at the table thoughtfully for a moment or two, then looked up and smiled at Ezra in that slightly playful way he always dreaded. "You know...you said you were confused about whether he likes you, but he's clearly wanting to confide in you. He sees you as safe and approachable, and...I think you should make a move, Ez. You two would be great for each other." 

"Nope," Ezra said sharply, his jaw tightening as fear and annoyance and frustration flowed through him all at once. "I would be awful for him. I can't even be out, and he's so...so proud of who he is. Besides, I don't-...I can't go through that rejection shite again, not after that god awful thing with Jamie." 

"That guy was a fucking arsehole, Ezra," Anathema cut in quickly, and he just stared at her. 

"So?" 

"So Crowley isn't. He wouldn't-" 

"You don't know that," Ezra snapped, emotion mounting and growing, morphing into all kinds of guilt, desire, anger, and making him feel hot and not completely in control of his body anymore. "There's no way someone that attractive is into me, and besides, I'm too busy." 

Anathema sighed, shaking her head slightly. "That's bullshit, but I can tell you're upset. I'll drop it, alright? Take a few breaths." 

Ezra sighed and glared at the table for a few moments, allowing himself to let go, to breathe normally and feel those emotions slipping away, releasing the tension in his chest. 

"Newt is going to that thing at the Hex later today, it's like a postgraduate thing so all the new postgrads can meet everyone." 

"Isn't it kind of late in the year for that?" Ezra asked, forcing himself to engage with the new subject in the knowledge that it would help him calm down. 

Anathema shrugged. "You know Newt, he's just going for the free food." 

Ezra chuckled, leaning back in his seat slightly as he relaxed fully. "True. Are you not going?" 

"No, I'm going to spend some time in the library. I need to get some work done, so he's on his own for that one. Apparently there's a fairly new postgrad he thinks is really cute," she went on with a smile. "But I don't think he needs a chaperone." 

"Probably not," Ezra smiled in response, folding his arms over his chest. "He's only told you to wind you up." 

"I know. And I also know there's only a fifty percent chance she even exists, anyway," Anathema chuckled, and Ezra nodded, watching a rather familiar dog in a yellow vest walk past him. Anathema followed his gaze and looked behind her quickly, then grinned. 

"I've seen that dog before, it's so cute!" She announced, and Ezra smiled to himself slightly. 

"Yeah, that's Adam. He lives in the same building as Crowley, and the dog's name is apparently Dog." 

Anathema rolled her eyes, glancing behind her again and watching as Adam sat down, Dog immediately tucking himself under the table obediently. "That's a ridiculous name, but at least he's very well trained."

"True." 

Anathema glanced at Ezra and sighed softly. "Are you sure you're okay? You seem upset about something." 

Ezra shrugged, still watching the dog absentmindedly. "I don't really know. I think I'm just...worried about Crowley. And...and you're right, really. I should ask him out, I just.." 

"You don't feel like you can, I understand," Anathema murmured, reaching across the table to take Ezra's hand gently. "It's okay, I know I tease you a lot about him, but I do think you two will get there eventually. Or just become really, really good friends. And either way is great, even if it might not seem like it right now. Maybe you need to think about...about coming out? I  _ know _ it's scary, but-" 

Ezra shook his head quickly, a flash of panic and anger ripping through his chest. "No. No way. I c-can't, I just...no," he forced out hurriedly, and Anathema smiled sympathetically. 

"Okay, Ez. That's alright, don't get upset. Just think about it a bit, okay? It would make things so much easier with him." 

"Just...please drop it," Ezra mumbled, dragging his hands down his face as he tried to quell the anxiety rising in his throat, choking him. 

"Alright, alright. How was that class you had the other day, the one you didn't think you'd like?" 

Ezra sighed, focusing on the question and trying hard to shove the nausea down, his whole body trembling ever so slightly. But as they talked, about class and friends and just anything Anathema could think of, he felt himself start to relax, the panic fading and leaving him simply feeling tired. 

* * *

After a while, Anathema had to go to class, so Ezra wandered off to the literature, film, and theatre department's common room, winding his way through the halls in a daze of deep thought. 

He was so preoccupied that he didn't notice Crowley until he almost bumped into him, his eyes widening in shock, his step faltering. Crowley was leaning back against the wall, his head in his hands, his fingers trembling against his skin. Ezra could hear his breathing even from a couple of feet away, ragged and a little heavy. 

He stepped forward and gently rested his hand on Crowley's shoulder, causing him to jump violently. 

"Hey, hey, it's just me. Are you okay?" Ezra asked softly, his heart beating a little faster in his chest as Crowley dropped his hands away from his face, revealing pale skin and a shaky, very fake smile. 

"Hey. Yeah, I'm...I'm okay," he murmured, slowly standing up off the wall. Ezra tilted his head slightly, his eyes narrowing. 

"You know...somehow I'm not convinced. What's wrong? Can I help at all?" He pressed gently, moving a little closer to Crowley, who just sighed, rubbing the side of his nose slowly. 

"I uh...someone just shouted something at me, and I um. I don't know, I just-...I'm fine. I'm just...I'm not so used to hearing slurs like that anymore, and it surprised me. But I'm...I'm okay." 

Ezra sighed, shaking his head as he rubbed Crowley's shoulder soothingly. "You don't have to be okay, you know that, right? It's okay to be upset by this kind of thing." 

Crowley just shrugged, flashing him a small, sheepish smile. "I used to get a lot worse, so...I don't know. I'll be fine, really, I just feel a bit shaky now."

"Maybe you should go home and rest or something," Ezra suggested softly, and Crowley wrinkled his nose, shaking his head slightly. 

"No, I think I should just get on with it, otherwise I'll think about it too much. And I've got to go to class." 

"How about I walk you there, then? Make sure you're okay." 

For a moment, Crowley looked as if he was going to protest, but then he just smiled and nodded. "Okay." 

Ezra smiled back and opened his arms invitingly, his chest feeling warm and tight as Crowley stepped forward into the hug and let out a soft little sigh. It was loose and gentle, hands spreading on each other's backs and slipping down and away as Crowley pulled back, his smile seeming just a little more genuine. 

"Thanks for that. I um. I really needed that." 

"Anytime," Ezra said simply, then half turned away. "Where's your class?" 

"Oh, um. Lab C," Crowley muttered, starting to walk hurriedly as his cheeks coloured. Ezra jogged after him a couple steps, glancing up at him as they walked together in silence. 

"I saw that thing you sent me about the book club," Crowley spoke up after a moment or two, and Ezra smiled, his chest warming as those golden eyes locked onto his. 

"Oh yeah, do you want to come? It would be great to see you there," he answered honestly, and Crowley nodded slightly. 

"Yeah, I think I'll give it a go. I'm not sure if I'll have time to read the book, but I'll try." 

"That's okay, there's definitely a couple people who haven't managed to read the book before, no one will mind," Ezra smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets as they stepped outside onto the busy square. "I think you'll like it." 

"Yeah, I hope so," Crowley murmured, his voice sounding slightly distant as he glanced around. Then he took a deep breath and spoke again. 

"Look, um. About that offer, for me to stay with you over Christmas...I know we haven’t really known each other that long, but I just...I feel like we know each other pretty well. I can talk to you more easily than some of my other friends, and...I guess it might seem weird, but I’d still like to come. If that’s still alright with you." 

Ezra almost laughed, but stopped himself just in case it offended his companion. "I invited you, of course I don't think it's weird. And…" he trailed off a bit, finally processing the extent of what Crowley had said. "And I feel the same. You're really nice to talk to, and I do already feel quite close to you. I um. I messaged my mum this morning, just to check, and she said she'd love to have you. So...you're definitely very welcome," he went on, his voice a little softer. 

Crowley smiled and ducked his head slightly, his hair falling down and shielding the side of his face from Ezra's gaze. 

"Thank you." 

Ezra felt his fingers twitch, longing to grab at Crowley's hand, to pull him close, to hug him and stroke his hair and protect him. Instead he just smiled. 

"You're welcome." 

They slipped through another door together, wandering through the halls in thoughtful silence until Crowley stopped outside the entrance to a computer lab. 

"This is uh...my class," he mumbled, his cheeks dusted with pink. Ezra nodded, ignoring the heat rising to his own face. 

"You uh...you let me know if you need anything else, yeah? I can walk you to class anytime," he offered quietly, and Crowley nodded, looking down at the floor. 

"Thank you. Bye." 

"Bye," Ezra answered awkwardly, and watched Crowley as he ducked into the lab, shutting the door behind him with a quiet click. 

Then Ezra sighed and tore himself away, slouching off down the hallway with some very mixed emotions. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this has once again taken me an age to put up!   
The big drama I was dealing with is mostly over now so I've been writing a lot more, but editing has still been kind of slow, unfortunately.   
But my life feels like it's coming back together a bit at the moment, so that's nice. And I've had a bit more free time this week due to most of my lecturers striking.   
Anyway, let me know what you thought of this chapter! Hopefully I'll have another up fairly soon, and just to tease you all, there is a Crowley chapter coming up soon, but I doubt there will be many of them.   
<3<3


	7. Chapter Seven

Ezra checked his phone again, then glanced around the bar. 

_ I'll be there at 2, looking forward to it :)  _

"He's just late," Anathema chuckled, watching Ezra's face with every sign of teasing amusement. "He's late for everything." 

"I know," Ezra mumbled, sinking back into his chair and tapping a nail against the table irritably. "It just makes me anxious."

"Everything makes you anxious." 

"Don't rub it in," Ezra growled, but he couldn't keep the hint of a smile off his face. "Thanks for doing this, by the way. I think it'll make him a lot happier." 

Anathema shrugged, taking a long drink from her glass of lemonade. "Well, I'm not really doing it for you. I like him, I really do, he seems like a really nice person, and if I can make him feel more comfortable, then I want to." 

Ezra smiled, about to say something when he felt a hand brush his shoulder and jumped slightly. Crowley tugged the chair out beside him and collapsed into it, bright red lips curling up into an apologetic smile. 

"Hey," he murmured, his eyes nervous when he glanced at Anathema, but much softer when he was looking at Ezra, his smile a little more genuine. "Sorry, I got caught up in something. How are you? You didn't come to get your drink this morning," Crowley went on, and Ezra simply shrugged, his cheeks burning as he felt Anathema's eyes on him. 

"Uh, yeah, I had a doctor's appointment, so I had to miss some classes today," he mumbled quickly, then tried to steer the conversation towards Anathema. "Did you finish the book?" 

Crowley nodded shyly, once again glancing at Anathema and managing a small smile. "Yeah, I finished it last night. I thought it was really good."

"Have you seen the movie?" Anathema cut in, smiling at Crowley as he finally turned to look at her properly. At that point, Ezra's focus drifted off, and he just watched without really listening; instead taking in every detail of Crowley's exquisite appearance. 

He'd repainted his nails with a colour akin to burgundy but even darker, and his curls were loose and unruly, framing his face beautifully and cascading down his back. The tight black jeans he was wearing were making Ezra feel just a little hot, and the black crop top showing a bit of mesh-covered midriff certainly wasn't helping matters. Even the thick black eyeliner was winged perfectly, although he was slightly disappointed to see that Crowley was wearing foundation, completely covering those beautiful freckles. 

"Ezra?" 

He swallowed, snapping his attention back to Anathema, his eyes wide. She covered her mouth with one hand quickly, hiding the smirk as she went on. 

"I was just asking if you were going to order anything? Cause if so, you should do it now." 

Ezra felt as if someone had flicked lighter fluid on his face and then held a match to it, but he managed to stammer out a reply. "Uhh...n-no, I think I'll uh...I'll get something to eat later." 

He was too overcome with embarrassment to notice the fond little smile that played at Crowley's lips, genuine and amused, but not mocking. Anathema on the other hand was openly smirking now, and Ezra almost felt like getting up and just walking away, shame and embarrassment starting to make way for anger. 

"Maybe we could get something to eat together after the meeting," Crowley suggested quietly, and Ezra relaxed, relief pouring through him as he realised he hadn't driven away his new friend, at least not yet. He shot Crowley a quick smile, nodding slightly. 

"Sure. Don't you have a class at five, though?" 

Crowley wrinkled his perfect nose and gave a small nod. "Fuck, I forgot about that for a whole minute. Maybe not, then. That's okay," he sighed, resting his elbow on the table and leaning his cheek against his palm. 

"I'm so tired, I hate having late classes," Crowley mumbled, and Anathema chuckled, nodding slightly. 

"I hated them when I was in my first year. The worst is always when you have a nine am and then a five pm and nothing else. Especially if you live off campus," she smiled, and Ezra could see in Crowley's eyes that he was finally relaxing, finally starting to let his guard down. 

"Yeah, I can imagine that's frustrating. At least I get to walk home and take a nap," Crowley hummed, and Anathema nodded. 

"So what's your favourite part of your course? Why are you studying psychology?" 

"Definitely not for the stats," Crowley laughed, and Ezra snorted, his chest warm, his body relaxed and content as he watched his companion talk. "I like abnormal psychology, I wouldn't mind being a clinical psychologist or a forensic psychologist. They both seem like interesting fields you can help people in." 

"Tell me more about forensic psychology, that sounds interesting," Anathema smiled, and Crowley was off, his eyes lighting up, his hands moving more, his whole body animated with passion as he talked. 

Ezra just sat back and listened for a while, letting Anathema lead the conversation, although, to be honest, it was more like they were both attending a lecture rather than being part of a conversation. Crowley was just so excited to talk, to be asked things, to be given a chance to tell someone about the things he enjoyed learning, and Ezra and Anathema were both more than happy to encourage it. 

After a while, though, and after a long discussion on the prison system, photo composite technology, and victim interviews, Ezra gently inserted himself into the conversation, pointing out it was about time they started walking over to the common room. Anathema glanced at her phone and smiled. 

"So it is. Time flies when you're having fun," she chuckled, getting up quickly and grabbing her bag from under the table. Crowley got up as well, hurried and red-faced, and Ezra was the last to rise, following Anathema out of the bar and jogging a couple steps to keep up with Crowley. A couple seconds of silence, and Crowley swallowed, glancing down at Ezra nervously. 

"Um. I didn't talk too much, did I?" He asked worriedly, and Ezra looked up into round golden eyes and a rather sad frown. "I didn't mean to go on, I just-" 

"You're passionate about and interested in what you study, never apologise for that," Ezra smiled, shoving his hands into his pockets as they kept walking, falling into place beside each other easily. "I really enjoyed listening to you talk, I thought it was interesting, and I'm sure Anathema enjoyed it, too. Don't worry about it, alright?" 

Crowley snorted, a wry smile tugging at one corner of his lips. "Telling me not to worry never works. But thank you," he added quickly, his smile turning genuine, although a bit sheepish. "It's nice to hear that people actually want to listen to me, you know?" 

"Of course, and I know what you mean," Ezra soothed, and noticed the glance Anathema shot behind her, checking on both of them. "I've always had trouble with people telling me I talk too much about things I like. It can be pretty hard to shake that." 

Crowley nodded, opening his mouth to reply just as they reached the literature, film, and theatre department's common room. Anathema walked in immediately, so Ezra gently pushed Crowley in after her, managing to secure seats so that Crowley was sandwiched between both him and Anathema; protected on all sides from people he didn't know. 

It wasn't a big turn out; apparently Anathema had chosen a rather unpopular book this time, as only a handful of people had come. Ezra didn't know most of them that well, and he put this down in equal measure to his shyness and Gabriel. 

Gabriel was a first year business student who'd joined the group as soon as it had formed, despite knowing no one there, and proceeded to use it as a chance to listen to his own voice and pat himself on the back for being so smart. Anathema hated him with a burning passion, and Ezra wasn't too keen either, although he did make an effort to at least be polite to him. Especially since he usually came as a package deal with Angelica, whom he regarded as a lovely, if quite quiet person with an inexplicably awful taste in friends. She'd apparently discovered Gabriel in the first few weeks of term, and decided to cling to him like a barnacle, always seeming to be wherever he was. No one Ezra knew had managed to keep a conversation with her going long enough to figure out what she studied, but judging by her usually flowing clothes in muted earth tones and her taste in beautifully handmade jewellery, he figured it was probably something artistic. Possibly theatre. 

There were three other people there, but he couldn't even remember their names; they came, listened, added a comment about once a meeting, and left immediately after the book discussion had finished. Ezra wasn't really the type to engage everyone in conversation; he was rather too shy to approach people who seemed as if they didn't want to talk to him, so he let them be. 

Now, though, he had Crowley beside him, and somehow that made him feel just a little more comfortable, a little more confident. Although when he looked up, his companion wasn't smiling, his finger running up and down the corner of his book nervously, ruffling the pages as he glanced around. His teeth caught that perfect bottom lip, biting lightly before he apparently remembered he was wearing lipstick and quickly released it. 

Ezra swallowed, trying to come up with something comforting to say, just as Anathema cleared her throat and sat forward slightly. 

"Hi everyone, welcome. This is Crowley, he's trying out the group today. So when you say something, could you please just say your name first, so we don't have to do formal introductions? Thanks. So uh...what did you all think of this one?" 

"Well, it's clearly a classic, I mean everyone has heard of  _ T he Great Gatsby _ _,_ right?" Gabriel burst out immediately, clearly having been waiting desperately for his time to talk. "But I really didn't think it was that good." 

Anathema managed to interject before he could go off on a great long speech about why, her soft smile hiding her simmering anger. "You forgot to introduce yourself, Gabriel. And we have plenty of time to talk, remember to give other people chances, alright?" She said, her voice overly sweet, as if talking to a toddler. In a sense, she was.

Gabriel flashed a rather fake smile. "Well, now you've introduced me, haven't you? And I was just going to say that I thought the narrative was quite predictable." 

Ezra rolled his eyes internally, glancing up at Crowley, who'd leaned back slightly, intelligent eyes sizing up the adversary across from him. Gabriel smiled at him, but the contempt in his eyes was thinly veiled. 

"I really like this book," Ezra announced quietly, surprising even himself. "Although the plot may be easy to follow, I think the narrative voice that the author uses definitely gives it some intrigue. I like the detachment that having an outside perspective gives it, even though that perspective isn't completely devoid of feeling." 

Gabriel nodded slowly, as if taking all this on board, and Anathema just smiled at Ezra. 

"I agree, does anyone else have any overall ideas they'd like to share?" 

She glanced around the room and Angelica shifted forward in her seat slightly. She smiled, then glanced at Gabriel and shrank back, smile fading into blankness.

Silence fell for a bit, awkward and heavy, until one of the nameless regulars spoke up. 

"Um. I'm Joseph, I also wanted to say I really enjoyed this book. I thought it was a nice read, because it wasn't too tough, but there was a lot of subtext to think about." 

Ezra smiled at him, making a mental note of his name for future reference - or, more likely, future forgetting. But the guy looked friendly, if shy, his hair a bit messy, his hoodie a faded grey. He smiled back at Ezra ever so slightly, then ducked his head to fiddle with the cover of the book. 

"Wait, you said your name was Crowley, right? Isn't it Anthony?" Gabriel’s slightly nasal, infuriatingly confident voice broke through Ezra’s thoughts, causing his blood to freeze; his nostrils flaring, his throat tightening in rage. But Crowley got there first, his voice calm and quiet. 

"I prefer Crowley, thank you," he said simply, and Gabriel stared at him for a moment, something like the beginnings of a sneer on his face. Then he smiled. 

"Do you have anything to add, or did you just come to listen, A.J.?" 

Crowley let out a slow sigh, red lips pursing for just a moment. "Well, I was just thinking about what Ezra said, and how the narrator works in the story. I really like the sense of detachment, but I think it's quite false. The reader and even the narrator might think he's detached, but he is involved emotionally, otherwise we wouldn't get the same feeling for the characters. I think it's hard to enjoy characters when you don't have a sympathetic narrator, there's nowhere for the characters to go. Gatsby might not have been a perfect man, or even a good one, but because of Nick and the way he narrates, we get to enjoy him as a character. Anyway, I uh...yeah. I liked it," Crowley mumbled, ending his little addition rather abruptly, as if an internal timer had gone off to tell him he'd been speaking for too long. "Oh, and if you're going to address me again, it's Crowley or don't bother." 

Ezra felt like applauding at this, but instead just shifted his arm, letting it brush against Crowley's and observing the little smile that twitched at his lips. There were a few tense seconds of silence while Gabriel glared at Crowley, and then the meeting thankfully moved on into new conversation, helped along somewhat by Anathema's subtle direction.

Over the rest of the discussion, Gabriel seemed to do his best to ignore Crowley, his air a bit aloof and annoyed, his contributions thankfully slightly shorter than normal. 

Once the meeting finished, Joseph and the other two dispersed almost immediately, and Crowley wandered off to fill his water bottle up from the sink. Gabriel, apparently more confident now that Crowley had gone, wandered over to Ezra, his hands in his pockets. 

"Hey, how's it going?" 

Ezra looked up at him in vague surprise, then smiled politely as Crowley sat down beside him again, leaning over to say something to Anathema in a quiet voice. "I'm okay. How are you?" 

"Good, good," Gabriel nodded, swaying from side to side slightly, his plastic-y smile widening. "You look good today, y'know? Like uh...I like this jacket." 

"Oh, thanks, yeah," Ezra answered with a much more genuine smile, glancing down at himself briefly. "It's a shame you didn't like the book much." 

"Oh, yeah. Well maybe sometime I should watch the movie. Didn't you say you had it?" Gabriel pushed a little harder, and Ezra just nodded. 

"I do, you can borrow it if you like." 

The conversation continued on in vague pleasantries, rather drawn out, in Ezra's opinion, but still limited to polite conversation. At least, in his mind. 

Unbeknownst to Ezra, Crowley certainly didn't believe Gabriel was just being polite - regrettably, he was much more accurate in his assumptions. And was absolutely  _ fuming. _ He wasn't trying to make it obvious, but everyone else in the room had no trouble picking up on it as he glared at Gabriel in possessive fury, his jaw set, his lip curled ever so slightly in contempt. 

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, Gabriel finally left, Angelica trailing behind him with a similar look on her face to Crowley, although, as usual, Ezra failed to notice this little detail. As soon as he turned to Crowley, those golden eyes were calm, his face relaxing at the simple relief of Gabriel leaving the room. 

Anathema was smiling knowingly from behind Crowley, but Ezra wasn't looking at her, not quite yet, as he was still too preoccupied with Crowley himself. 

"Do you have time for a coffee before class?" 

Crowley sighed and shook his head slightly, then got up and stretched, giving Ezra rather a hard time, as he had to force himself not to stare at that lovely, lithe, tattooed stomach. 

"Sorry, I have to go straight there. I'll see you two later, though. I had fun today, I'll definitely come to the next one." 

Crowley flashed Ezra a bright smile and was gone all too quickly, leaving Ezra feeling a little empty and unsettled; as if he should have done more, or said something else, or  _ something.  _

Anathema appeared beside him, her hand squeezing his shoulder ever so gently. 

"You okay?" 

"Just...really anxious today. Everything is making me feel super unsettled, and like...sick," he mumbled, and she sighed, wrapping her arms around him from behind and resting her chin on his shoulder briefly. 

"I'm sorry, Ez. I know how you feel, but Crowley genuinely seemed to have a good time. Aside from when Gabriel was flirting with you. Then he looked like he was contemplating murder, but uh...other than that, he seemed happy." 

Ezra pulled away from her quickly, turning around in wide-eyed shock. "Flirting?" He gasped, and Anathema burst out laughing, shaking her head slightly. 

"Christ! You really didn't notice?" 

"No, I didn't," Ezra answered sharply, starting to get annoyed now as his cheeks began to heat up. "I think you're making it up. And anyway, why would that make Crowley angry?" 

Anathema stared at him for a second, then grinned. "Oh Ezra, you look so  _ nice!"  _ She began in a mocking voice, her smile never fading. "Oh Ezra, please can I come watch the movie with you? At your house? In your bed?" 

"He didn't mean-" 

"Oh yes he did," Anathema snorted, picking up her bag as Ezra stood there, stuttering and confused. "And Crowley was upset about it because he likes you, dumb-ass. He looked like a two year old after someone takes their ice cream away and licks it." 

"Alright, I don't need metaphors, thank you," Ezra snapped, but without any real anger. "I'm not that thick." 

"I beg to differ," Anathema teased, and earned herself a heavy sigh from her companion. "Look, it's just your shitty self-confidence," she went on more gently, starting to lead the way out of the common room and down the hall. "You don't believe anyone would be interested in flirting with you, so you miss it when it happens. It's normal. But I'm telling you, Gabriel has flirted with like every postgrad he's ever met, so there's proof it was flirting, and besides, Crowley was definitely upset about it. Trust me." 

"I'm not sure I do, not about Crowley," Ezra muttered, and Anathema nudged him with her elbow. 

"Come on, don't be like that. I know I tease you, but I'm genuinely rooting for you, and I wouldn't lie about this. I know how much it means to you, and I know how anxious you are. Just think about things, okay?" 

"Okay," Ezra grumbled, glaring at the pavement as they stepped outside. "Let's get lunch, I'm hungry." 

"Alright, one lunch without any mention of Crowley whatsoever, coming up," Anathema grinned, and Ezra just rolled his eyes, allowing himself a small smile as he began to relax again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
Sorry it's been so long and I took so long to reply to comments! I've been really busy at uni, it's been really stressful and I've been going through a bit of a low energy patch again so it's been hard to get my shit together enough to post. But I am still here, I promise!   
And term ends this week, so I'll have plenty of time to work on getting the Christmas chapters up before actual Christmas, that's my goal at the moment, but we'll see how it goes lol it means getting all the way to chapter 10 in two weeks.   
But anyway, let me know what you guys thought of this one! It's so nice to be reading all your comments! <3<3<3


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First Crowley chapter woo

Crowley glanced in the mirror before he left, fluffing up his hair slightly and checking his lipstick, then slipping out the door. It swung shut behind him with a heavy click and he used his keycard to lock it, testing the handle quickly. He didn't entirely trust his flatmates, and he knew he'd be away for at least a week. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he tugged it out, the time flashing up on his phone screen, bright and accusing. He was nearly fifteen minutes late. 

"Fuck," he muttered, shouldering the flat door open and heading down the stairs quickly, trying to type at the same time and managing only a mess that vaguely spelled out something like 'I'm on my way.' 

The typing bubble popped up almost immediately, a message following straight after. 

_ I figured. I told you to come fifteen minutes earlier than we need to leave. I just got to the bus stop ;) _

Crowley groaned, tipping his head back as he walked out into the cold December air, the drizzle hitting him full in the face and reminding him why he shouldn't have bothered with his hair. Of course Ezra had figured it out, of course he was going to tease him about it. 

But he could feel a smile under the frustration and embarrassment, so he just sent a thumbs up and focused on walking without running into anything. 

As he drew close to the bus stop, however, his focus shifted to staring at Ezra. The older man was watching the street passively, his hands shoved in the pockets of his thick waterproof coat. Crowley's suitcase wheel caught on something, jerking his arm, and he swore softly, breaking into a jog just as the bus pulled up. Luckily there were plenty of people getting on, and he skidded to a stop next to Ezra well before the bus was due to pull away. Ezra looked up at him, those kind eyes a little wide, his smile immediate and gentle. 

"Hey. I was aiming for the next bus, but we can get on this one," he said simply, and Crowley nodded distractedly, already fumbling with his bus pass, cold fingers refusing to obey. Ezra just watched, moving with the line and smiling slightly when Crowley finally worked the bus pass free of his wallet and opened it in his hand. 

"Everywhere is going to be stupidly busy," Ezra announced, stepping up into the bus and glancing behind him to his companion. "I hate it." 

"Yeah, me too," Crowley responded, feeling as if he should say something, but not sure what. He followed Ezra up onto the bus, flashed his pass, and found a seat next to his friend, right near the front. 

"I'm glad I packed light," Ezra sighed, leaning back in his seat and glancing around the already rather full bus. "Are you okay, you seem quiet?" 

And then those eyes were focused on him, intense and caring, so interested, and Crowley just nodded. 

"A bit nervous," he admitted quietly, looking down at his hands briefly. "I'm excited to go on the train, though. I barely ever ride on the train, but I really like it." 

"Well, I hate it, so it'll be nice to be with someone who actually enjoys it," Ezra chuckled, and Crowley stared at him for a moment in genuine surprise. 

"You hate it?" 

"Yeah, well, all the getting on and off bit I hate. And getting to and from the station. The actual being on the train is okay, aside from being stressed about all the other bits," he smiled, his expression making it obvious that he knew how ridiculous he sounded, but that he didn't particularly mind. "I just find travel stressful." 

"I guess I can understand that," Crowley answered quietly, folding his hands in his lap comfortably. "I generally just put my headphones on for the stressful parts, and then they're not so bad." 

Ezra nodded, looking up and apparently losing the thread of the conversation as the bus ground to a halt to let even more people on. 

They didn't talk much after that, as the bus simply got too busy and loud to hear one another, but once they were at the station, they found a quiet, out of the way place to sit. Crowley bought them a coffee and a hot chocolate, despite protests from Ezra, who was silenced with a reminder that he had gotten the last ones, so it was in fact Crowley's turn. Ezra had pulled a face, but he knew better than to argue with the turn system, and they sat down without a disagreement. Crowley set his coffee down in front of him, picking at the cardboard sleeve lightly as he glanced around the seedy little cafe. 

"You look worried," Ezra announced after a few minutes of contemplative silence, and Crowley looked back at him, then forced a smile. 

"I'm okay. Just...nervous about meeting your family, I guess." 

Ezra's worried expression melted into a comforting smile and he nodded slightly. "I can understand that, but I promise you, they're so lovely and friendly. You're going to have a good time, we just have to get through this train ride." 

Crowley certainly didn't think the train ride was going to be the most stressful part of his day, but he decided not to say anything, instead just looking down at his coffee cup in silence. Ezra seemed content to let the silence continue, so Crowley quietly slipped his phone from his pocket and began to scroll through Twitter, glancing up every now and then to make sure he wasn't being rude. But Ezra was apparently somewhere else entirely, completely spaced out, so he left him to it until their train was due to arrive. As soon as the platform was up on the screen, Crowley got up, beginning to gather his things, and this was enough to shake Ezra back to the real world. 

They made it to the platform just as the train pulled in and got on quickly, finding a couple seats and sitting down together. Crowley immediately leaned into Ezra, resting his head on his friend's shoulder and closing his eyes as he tried to shake off that horrible anxious feeling. Ezra chuckled softly and leaned his head against Crowley's for a moment, then reached into his bag, pulled out a book, and settled in for the rest of the ride. 

* * *

The train ride ended up going quite quickly for Crowley, as he kept switching between reading the book he'd brought, looking at his phone, and resting against Ezra, and he found himself stepping out onto the platform much sooner than he'd thought. 

It was freezing and grey, drizzle still hanging in the air, so Ezra gently put a hand on the small of his back, guiding him forward across the unfamiliar station and all the way out to the front. A taxi was waiting, so they got in, and Ezra gave the driver the address before sitting back and looking over at Crowley, who was beginning to feel a bit sick. 

"You okay?" 

Crowley shook his head slightly, wanting to lie, but knowing it wouldn't be convincing at this point anyway. "Not really." 

Ezra reached over and gently took his hand, holding it in both of his and squeezing lightly. "It's alright, I know you're really nervous, and I understand why, but my parents are really nice, and they're going to love you. Is there anything I can do to help?" 

Crowley took a deep breath, glancing out of the window while he thought about this, then shook his head slowly. "I don't...I don't think so. Thank you, though," he murmured, and Ezra squeezed his hand a little tighter, interlacing their fingers comfortingly. 

All too soon, the taxi pulled up outside a rather small, quaint looking house on a quiet street, and Ezra paid the driver while Crowley got out, taking their bags from the back. The taxi drove away, leaving them there together, Crowley's heart pounding heavy in his chest. Ezra glanced up at him, then made a decision and gently pulled him forward, guiding him all the way to the door, where he rang the bell quickly. 

Crowley almost felt lightheaded, he was so nervous; terrified they wouldn't like him or he'd immediately break down crying in front of them, or just embarrass himself in some other way. 

The door swung open hurriedly and he took half a step back as light spilled out onto the street and a short, rather dumpy woman with long, curly blonde hair and a bright smile flung her arms around Ezra. 

"I haven't seen you in so long!" She exclaimed, pulling him tight to her chest and grinning when he gently pushed her away, laughing softly. 

"Mum, it's been a few weeks, remember? You came down for your birthday." 

She blinked and shook her head slightly, her smile fading for just a moment. "That's still a long time, dear." 

Ezra just chuckled and turned, gently grabbing Crowley's arm and towing him closer. 

"Mum, this is Crowley." 

She looked up at him and simply smiled - just as bright as she had for Ezra. "It's lovely to meet you, I'm Jane. Do you like hugs, dear?" 

He nodded slightly, already choked up and a little trembly as she pulled him into a tight, comforting hug, her hand running up and down his back slowly. It was only brief, but it brought Crowley rather too close to his fear of crying in front of everyone. As she pulled away, he felt disappointment flood his chest, his arms dropping back to his sides, his body feeling heavy. 

"Come on, come inside!" Jane said quickly, and they followed her, leaving their bags in the hallway as she led them into the kitchen. A tall man looked up from the table and smiled, eyes locking onto Crowley. He looked absolutely nothing like Ezra, with dark hair, dark eyes, and a neatly styled salt and pepper beard, but his smile was just as warm as both Ezra's and his mum's. 

"You must be Crowley, I'm Alex," he announced, standing up and holding out his hand. Crowley shook it and nodded slightly, then looked down at the floor, feeling Ezra's hand graze over his back. 

"I'm just going to show him around upstairs." 

"You do that, dear," Jane called out from the stove, busy stirring something in a huge pot. "I'm doing a roast, it'll be done in an hour or so." 

"Alright, I'll keep that in mind," Ezra smiled, gently herding the rather overwhelmed Crowley back to the stairs. 

They climbed up in silence, and Ezra opened the first door on the right, slipping inside. Crowley followed quickly, still feeling rather shaky and choked up as he glanced around the room. It was much like Ezra's room at university, but a little bigger, and with less stuff in general, although there were bookshelves everywhere, completely crammed with all kinds of books. The bed was made neatly, fairy lights strung up on the ceiling, and a little tiny christmas tree was on the desk. 

Ezra chuckled at that, setting his bag down at the foot of the bed. "Mum always gets one of those." 

"It's cute," Crowley answered, just about managing to keep his voice even. Ezra glanced at him and then nodded slightly, looking a bit lost. 

"Uh. We don't really have a spare room, Dad uses it as an office. We have a camp bed, though, so I'll get that set up for you in a bit. Is that alright?" 

Crowley nodded, hugging himself with one arm and looking down at the floor, his hair falling down around him and making him feel closed off and safe. 

And then he was being pulled into Ezra's arms, hands spreading on his back. He leaned into the embrace, closing his eyes shakily as Ezra hugged him nice and tight, his own arms slipping around Ezra's plump body a little awkwardly. 

"If you need anything, you just let me know, okay?" Ezra murmured, one hand running up to cradle the back of Crowley's head and almost causing him to break down sobbing then and there at the sheer caring and tenderness of the touch. "I know this is going to be tough for you, and I'm here. I haven't told my parents details, but they know, and I promise no one will be offended if you have to take breaks sometimes or anything. Alright?" 

Crowley nodded slightly, burying his face in Ezra's neck and getting a soft little sigh in return. 

"I'm worried about you," Ezra announced softly after a moment or two, and Crowley nodded slightly. 

"I'll be okay. I um...I think I need to take a nap, though. Would that be okay?" 

Ezra squeezed him a little tighter, fingers curling against his back. "Of course," he smiled, gently pulling away and reaching up to tuck Crowley's hair back ever so carefully. "Why don't you take my bed for now? I'll um...I'll show you where the bathroom is first." 

After a minute or two of fussing around Crowley, making sure he had everything he needed, Ezra finally slipped out of the room and left him in silence. He stared at nothing for a while, then sat down on the edge of the bed and began to unlace his shoes. He tugged them off carefully, moving robotically, as if in a trance, his body heavy and his mind barely there. 

Once he'd taken his shoes off, he changed into his sweats and Ezra's sweatshirt - it still smelled like him, and that was definitely a big comfort bonus he needed right at that moment - then grabbed a small stuffed rabbit from his bag. It was old and faded, going threadbare in a few places, but the blue fabric was still as soft as ever, and he climbed into bed with it quickly, curling up with it hugged tight to his chest. 

Crowley stared at the wall for a while, his heart heavy and full as he remembered last Christmas with his dad, thought about the way Ezra's mum had hugged him, and then broke down crying at last, the hot tears coursing down his cheeks, over and over, his stifled sobs sounding loud in the empty room. 

It was all too much; grief mixed with relief, the comfort of acceptance with the sharp pain of loss. He couldn't bear it anymore, but the tears helped, helped him get it all out. His body shook, his hands trembled, and he held the rabbit close, even burying his face in the fabric for a while. 

* * *

After what seemed like hours, Crowley eventually ran out of tears and just lay there in silence, staring at nothing and wishing he could just sleep. When the doorhandle clicked, he jumped violently, but remained still in the bed, fingers tightening around the rabbit, pressing into the soft stuffing. 

"Crowley? Are you asleep?" Ezra called out softly, and Crowley shook his head slightly, but didn't speak up, not really trusting his voice so soon after crying for so long. 

The edge of the bed sank and he felt a hand on his arm, Ezra's thumb stroking over his skin slowly. 

"You seem upset, is there anything I can do?" 

Crowley swallowed hard, rolling over to face Ezra, but not quite meeting his gaze. "I think I need a hug," he admitted quietly, and before he could move, Ezra was lying down in front of him, pulling him into a careful, but comfortingly tight hug, his hand rubbing slow circles into Crowley's back. 

Crowley managed to fight off the shocked tears for a whole four seconds, then broke down, burying his face in Ezra's shoulder as the sobs came, soft and small and just enough to make his body tremble all over. Ezra immediately pulled him closer, stroking his hair slowly and rocking him ever so slightly. Crowley tried to allow himself time, tried to remind himself that crying was okay and good, but he barely even knew why he was crying anymore. Something about Ezra's gentle embrace had just tipped him over an edge he didn't know he was next to; that caring, easy tenderness so soothing, and yet so overwhelming. 

Everything Crowley was feeling seemed to be so extreme; the fondness he felt for Ezra was burning in his chest, the grief was still there, thick and choking, and the nerves had set up an apparently permanent home in his stomach. It was just all too much, too much at once, and he couldn't help letting it all out. 

Eventually, though, the tears did stop, and Crowley just lay there in Ezra's arms, feeling him, listening to his slow heartbeat, and enjoying the feeling of Ezra's hand in his hair. 

A soft knock at the door interrupted the quiet moment, and Ezra gently pulled away from Crowley, propping himself up on one elbow. 

"Come in," he called out quietly, and Crowley swallowed hard, his fingers curling in the sheets as Jane slipped in and smiled at them both. 

"Hey, is everything okay? Anything I can help with?" She asked, and Ezra glanced over at Crowley, who was carefully sitting up, keeping the blankets wrapped around his body. 

"Um. I don't think so, Mum," Ezra answered softly. "Just...lots of emotion," he murmured, reaching over to rub Crowley's shoulder gently. Crowley managed a tiny smile, but tensed slightly when Jane walked over, sitting down on the bed slowly. She smiled at him sadly, folding her hands in her lap. 

"You take care of yourself while you're here, okay? If you need to take time out and just come up here and relax or maybe steal Ezra away for some comfort, that's perfectly okay. We won't be upset or anything, alright? We just want you to have a nice time." 

Crowley fought back the rising emotion and just forced a small smile instead. "Thank you. I'm...I'm sorry about all this, I just.." 

"You miss him, it's natural," she assured him softly, nodding slowly. "It's hard missing family at Christmas, but you have to remember it's okay to have a good time as well. Sometimes it's easy to feel like you have to be sad because otherwise you're forgetting them, but having fun doesn't mean you're forgetting. It's hard right now, but it will get easier. Would you like a hug?" 

"I think that might make me cry," Crowley answered with a soft laugh, and Jane just shrugged. 

"Well, you don't have to be ashamed of that. But I understand, hon. I'll leave you two alone for now, but dinner will be ready in about fifteen minutes, alright?" 

Crowley just nodded and watched her leave, then jumped slightly when he felt Ezra's hand on his shoulder. 

"You okay?" 

He looked down quickly, then flashed his companion a shaky smile. "Yeah, I'm...I'm handling it," he murmured, and Ezra sighed, reaching behind him and picking up the stuffed rabbit. Crowley tensed, horror and freezing embarrassment spreading through his chest as Ezra just looked at it for a moment. Then he passed it to Crowley wordlessly, and lifted his gaze to stare at the wall. 

"I wish I knew how to make it all go away for you. I don't even really know how to help, I've never really been through loss," he admitted softly, and Crowley shrugged, quickly putting the rabbit aside. 

"I'll be okay, it's just a matter of time. And being here and having you to comfort me is definitely better than being at home alone," he mumbled, dragging his hands down his face. "Do you think we could watch a movie or something? I don't feel up to much." 

"Of course. We can eat up here, too, if it's all a bit too much for you today." 

Crowley smiled at him sheepishly, then looked down at his lap. "I'd um...I'd like that, if that's okay. Your parents seem really lovely, it's just...it's a lot." 

Ezra nodded, reaching over to rub his shoulder slowly. "I know. It's a big reminder, I understand that. I'll go talk to my mum, okay? Have a think about what kind of movie you want to watch." 

Crowley watched Ezra leave, opening his mouth, trying to get the words out to ask him to stay, but the door was already clicking shut behind him. Crowley's fingers closed around the rabbit once more, squeezing tightly, his eyes slipping closed, his nostrils flaring as he tried to stop himself from starting to cry again. 

Laughter drifted up from downstairs, the sound of Ezra's dad's voice filtering up, loud and jokey. 

Ezra's voice came next, a little calmer, but still sounding happy. Then there were footsteps and the door swung open to reveal Ezra, smiling as he slipped inside. 

"Dad is just going to get the camp bed from the garage so we can be all set up before dinner." 

Crowley nodded, looking down at the floor as Ezra walked over and sat next to him again, one hand running down his arm. A short pause followed, broken by Crowley drawing in a long breath. 

"Can I ask you something?" He murmured, and looked up at his companion, at those honest, amiable blue eyes. 

"Of course," Ezra answered promptly, reaching up and tucking back a lock of Crowley's hair. 

"Do you like the fact that I'm here?" Crowley asked quickly, before he could lose the determination to say it out loud, his voice trembling ever so slightly as he tried to ignore the way Ezra's fingers brushed his cheek. "I mean, I know you don't mind, but do you actually-" 

"Yes," Ezra cut in gently, a small, soft smile tugging at his lips. "You're my friend, I enjoy your company a lot." 

Crowley looked down again hurriedly, knowing he couldn't do anything to stop the blush, but hoping to at least hide it a bit. "Thanks...I enjoy yours a lot, too. I'm just...nervous about this whole situation. It's been a really long time since I've stayed with someone," he admitted quietly, wringing his hands slightly, just as there was a knock at the door. He glanced up sharply, somewhat startled, but Ezra just stroked a hand down his back quickly. 

"Come in," he called, and his dad swung the door open, starting to drag the camp bed in with a breathless laugh. 

"Who wants to help me with this awful thing?" 

* * *

It took a good ten minutes and a few rather intense curses to get it set up, but finally the camp bed was set out for Crowley, complete with a thin mattress and plenty of soft blankets. Pretty much as soon as it was finished, Ezra's mum called up the stairs to say dinner was ready, and Crowley just waited in the bedroom while Ezra fetched the plates. His heart was still beating a little faster, his breathing slightly uneven from having to interact with people he didn't know in such an unfamiliar situation, but Crowley knew he'd recover, it was just a matter of time.

He took a few deep, calming breaths, and then went over to test the camp bed out, finding it to be a bit less horrible than he thought. It looked like a monstrosity of steel and weird canvas, but it did just feel like a fairly hard bed. Unfortunately, it was rather short and narrow, but Crowley reasoned that it was probably better than the floor in any case. 

When Ezra got back, they ate together in relative silence, apart from the background music Ezra had put on without needing to be asked. Once they'd finished and the plates had been set aside - both fully empty, a testament to Jane's cooking - Ezra turned to Crowley and smiled in that gentle way of his.

"Did you have a movie in mind?" 

A sheepish smile began to spread across Crowley's face, and he didn't try to stop it, just nodding his head slightly. "Yeah, I actually brought it on a flash drive. Remember when we talked about Japanese movies the other day? I have my favourite one." 

Ezra's smile was genuine, unabashed, and full of delighted interest. "Really? I'd love to watch it, what's it called?" 

Crowley got up off the bed, dragging his backpack from under the camp cot and rummaging around for his flash drive. "It's called Spirited Away, it's a little creepy or weird, I guess, in places, but it's really good. I actually brought a few by the same studio, so we could watch a couple of them over the break. If you like this one," he hummed, finally finding the memory stick at the very bottom of his bag and handing it to Ezra as he got up. "There you go." 

It didn't take long for them to get comfortable sitting side by side on the bed with their backs against the wall, the laptop on Ezra's lap, already playing the opening titles. 

Crowley let out a soft breath, feeling the stress and tension lift as he relaxed into the movie, allowing the familiar sounds and pictures to soothe him. Eventually, tiredness took over and he slid down slightly, leaning his head against Ezra's comfortable shoulder, closing his eyes for only a moment or two - definitely long enough to miss the brief look of confusion and then the sudden smile on Ezra's face. 

"You okay?" 

"Mhm. Tired," Crowley mumbled, and Ezra nodded, leaning his own head against Crowley's for a short while. 

"I'm glad you're okay." 

Crowley smiled to himself, trying to push the thoughts away, but he couldn't keep them all silent. After all, he really did feel that those words could so easily sound arbitrary on the lips of anyone else, and yet Ezra could always make them sound so genuine, so beyond question. But Crowley didn't want to think about that, about what that could mean, or what about that made him so drawn to this slightly awkward, rather nerdy postgrad, with all his little quirks and stammers. 

Over time, Crowley allowed himself to get closer and closer to his companion, ending up curled up into his side ever so comfortably. After a while, though, Ezra announced that his back was sore, so he laid down, pulling his knees up and propping the laptop up against them. A little lost and uncertain, Crowley laid down next to him on his side, and was pleasantly surprised when Ezra lifted his arm, allowing Crowley to cuddle up to him. 

Crowley immediately took the invitation, resting his head on Ezra's chest and marveling at how amazing it felt, being so close to someone again. He couldn't remember how long it had been since he'd been this close to someone this many times in one day, and it just felt so comfortable. 

Ezra wrapped his arm around Crowley loosely, humming softly to himself as he settled back. "Is this okay?" He asked quietly, and Crowley nodded as best he could. 

"Mhm. I always used to have a lot of physical contact with my friends," he murmured, and Ezra quickly paused the movie to let him continue. "I think cuddling as friends is a really great form of platonic intimacy. I don't see why being friends should be that much less than being partners," Crowley mused, and smiled to himself contentedly when he felt Ezra's hand on his ribs. "Obviously there's things that are only really found in romantic relationships, but we as humans are designed to be social and to touch each other a lot more than we do." 

"Yeah, cuddling is very good for you," Ezra chuckled, but his voice sounded a little strained. "I'm glad you like it just as much as I do." 

Crowley smiled, closing his eyes and allowing himself to bask in all those comforting sensations as Ezra hit play on the movie once more, his fingers beginning to comb through Crowley's hair ever so gently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this one, let me know what you thought! I'm trying to get the Christmas chapter up before actual Christmas lol so these next couple might not be the best in terms of editing, as I'm doing some of them myself to speed things up, but anyway. I hope you enjoy them <3


	9. Chapter Nine

Ezra woke up the next morning to see Crowley still curled up on the camp bed, fast asleep and snoring ever so softly. He smiled to himself and lay back for a while, staring up at the ceiling and letting his mind wander. 

He wanted to take Crowley out, to show him around the area and get him out of the house and out of his own thoughts, but he didn't know how easy it would be. Ezra had a creeping feeling that Crowley wouldn't really feel up to going out, even if it would make things better in the long run. 

After a while, he got up slowly, taking his clothes out of the drawer as carefully as he could, not wanting to make any noise that could wake his friend. Then he slipped out of the bedroom and headed to the bathroom, humming to himself ever so softly. 

He got dressed and went downstairs, getting together a few ingredients for breakfast: putting bread in the toaster and tea in the pot. Wandering back upstairs took another couple of minutes, and when he pushed the door open, Crowley was sitting up, rubbing his eyes sleepily. 

"Did you sleep okay?" Ezra asked with a smile, barely giving Crowley time to answer before he went on. "I'm making breakfast, what would you like?" 

Crowley stared at him blearily for a second, then managed a weak smile. "I don't really mind. Whatever you have is fine." 

Ezra nodded, leaning in the doorway and still smiling at his friend. "I've just put some toast and some tea on, is there anything else you'd like? We have eggs, I could make pancakes, I think there might be some bacon." 

"Just toast is fine," Crowley answered quietly, not quite meeting Ezra's gaze. 

"Alright. Well, my parents are at work, so I was thinking we could spend the day out today. We can walk to the train station and go to town, do some shopping, have a meal out. What do you think?" 

Crowley sighed, pressing the heel of his hand into one eye, his fingers trembling slightly. "I...I don't know if I feel like going out." 

Sighing, Ezra pushed off from the doorframe and walked over slowly, sitting down next to Crowley and resting a hand between his shoulders. "I know things are tough," he began softly, gently reaching over and tucking Crowley's hair back behind his ear so he could see his face. Crowley didn't lift his gaze from the floor, but did take in a deep breath, his hands a little shaky in his lap. 

"I know you don't feel like doing anything," Ezra went on, rubbing circles into Crowley's back lightly. "I've been there, I've been depressed. I know it's not the exact same thing, but I know what depression is like. It makes it so hard to do anything, but I know that when I was bad, Anathema used to drag me out of bed to go to events, and it always made me feel better. We don't have to spend all day out, but I think a change of scenery and something else to think about would make things better. But I'm not going to force you if you really don't want to." 

Crowley nodded slowly, closing his eyes for a moment before leaning into Ezra slightly. "I'll go. I just...it's hard seeing all the Christmas stuff everywhere." 

"I can understand that," Ezra sighed, reaching up tentatively to stroke that beautiful red hair. "How about we go see a movie? Something dumb that has nothing to do with Christmas, to balance out the holiday stuff." 

Crowley chuckled softly and Ezra stifled his internal cheer at seeing a tiny smile on his friend's face. "Alright. I'll get dressed, then." 

"Okay, I'll go finish breakfast. What do you want on your toast?" 

"Just butter is fine," Crowley smiled, and Ezra nodded, getting up quickly. 

"Cool, come down when you're ready." 

It only took Crowley about ten minutes to get dressed, and he appeared in the kitchen much quicker than Ezra had expected, wearing plain, perfectly fitted skinny jeans and an adorably oversized sweater. He smiled at Ezra and glanced around nervously, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

"It looks different in the daylight," he commented quietly, and Ezra nodded, handing him a plate of toast and a mug of tea. 

"It does a bit. How are you doing?" 

Crowley nodded slightly, wandering over to the kitchen table and sitting down where Ezra had already placed his own breakfast. 

"Um. Not as bad as last night," he admitted quietly, waiting for Ezra to sit down before picking up his toast. "I think it gets bad in the evenings. Every first holiday is really hard. My birthday was difficult as well," he went on, staring down at his toast blankly. "I'll be okay, it just...it takes time." 

"That's understandable," Ezra smiled, although his heart was sinking at the distant expression on Crowley's face. He suddenly felt that he probably shouldn't have asked, he should have just left the issue alone instead of reopening it all again. He simply sighed and watched as Crowley took a bite of toast, then decided to just get on with it, and that apologising would simply make it worse all over again. 

"So, we want to see a movie, is there anything else you want to do?" Ezra said brightly, trying not to make it too obvious that he was changing the subject and failing miserably. "We can go do some shopping or...or anything, really. We could get lunch out, maybe?" 

Crowley nodded slightly, then hesitated. "I...I don't want to commit to too much in case I get tired. But a movie definitely sounds good, at the very least." 

"Well, if you get tired or upset or just want to come back here, that's absolutely fine, we'll come straight back," Ezra assured him quietly, his smile sympathetic as he watched Crowley take another bite of his toast. "I just want you to have a good time." 

* * *

They ended up seeing a random action movie that had happened to be starting just as they got to the cinema, and as they stepped out into the crisp early afternoon air, Crowley was smiling. 

“That was the most stupid movie I’ve seen in a long time,” he commented, and Ezra chuckled, glancing up at his friend as he reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes - which he quickly remembered he’d left at home. 

“Yeah, it really was,” he mumbled, and Crowley’s intelligent golden eyes fixed on his, the distracted tone not going unnoticed. 

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly, and Ezra looked up again, staring up into that perfect face as people streamed around them, walking past on the street and into the cinema doors, every breath fogging in the air. 

“Yeah,” Ezra managed after just a moment too long, forcing a smile. “I just remembered I left my cigarettes at home,” he admitted, although he hadn’t planned to. “It’s fine, I can wait until we get back. Let’s get some lunch.” 

Crowley nodded, but didn’t move, instead looking at his companion a little more intensely, his head tilted to the side slightly, his hair cascading over his shoulders with even that tiny movement. “Are you stressed, then?” 

“I’m never not stressed, that’s the problem,” Ezra smiled, but knew from Crowley’s expression that it wasn’t convincing enough. “I’m fine, I promise. I haven’t had one in a few days, that’s all. I’m serious about lunch, though, I’m hungry.”    


Crowley smiled suddenly, eyes bright, teeth showing slightly as he uncocked his hip and shifted his weight back onto both feet. “Alright, me too. Where can we go around here?”    


“There’s this pizza place I really like just around the corner, does that sound good?” Ezra suggested, turning away from the cinema and towards the street, hesitating only until Crowley agreed, then starting to lead him off through the crowds. 

They cut through the main square before ducking down a small side alley that opened onto a much smaller square with only a handful of people - in stark contrast to the massive crowds everywhere else. Ezra crossed this open area confidently, trailed by a somewhat uncertain Crowley, who smiled wanly when Ezra turned back to hold the door for him. 

The restaurant was tiny, but Ezra had been there plenty of times with his parents, and knew it would be practically empty at this time of day. They took a table next to the window, and Ezra smiled at Crowley over the top of his menu. 

“So you didn’t enjoy the movie much, then?” 

Crowley shrugged, one corner of his mouth twisting up as he set his menu down and used both hands to pull his hair back behind his shoulders. “I didn’t say that. I said it was dumb.” 

“It was definitely improbable,” Ezra agreed, leaning back in his seat as Crowley’s gaze returned to the single-page menu. “I’m glad we went, though, it was funny in places.” 

“Mostly because of the awful acting,” Crowley pointed out with a smile, not yet lifting his eyeline to meet Ezra’s. 

“True, the jokes were pretty flat. And juvenile.” 

Crowley snorted, looking up briefly and pinning Ezra with those intense, bright eyes. “The word ‘juvenile’ made that whole statement suddenly sound incredibly pretentious.” 

Ezra shrugged, but felt the blush rising to his cheeks, Crowley’s thumb digging into one of those sensitive spots he never really revealed to anyone. “I’m a masters student, isn’t it my job to be a little pretentious?” he asked, trying for a jokey tone that, judging by Crowley’s reaction, fell just as flat as the gags in the film. 

“I feel like I’ve hit a nerve,” Crowley spoke up after a moment of silence, his voice thoughtful and gentle, his gaze a little softer, a little worried. “I don’t actually think you’re pretentious in any way.”    


Ezra smiled wanly, looking everywhere but Crowley as his face burned with embarrassment. “Yeah, I’ve been called that in the past a few times,” he mumbled, then glanced down at his hands where they lay folded in his lap. “It’s fine, though. I’m fine, it’s just..” 

“One of those days?” Crowley suggested gently, and Ezra smiled at last, his shoulders dropping as the tension in his body began to fade. 

“Yeah, just one of those days,” he echoed quietly, just as a waitress walked over to take their drinks order. 

Once they’d finished eating and stepped out into the cold again, Ezra felt that urge coming back, that craving for the acrid smoke, but he pushed it aside and shoved his hands in his coat pockets, glancing around with a slight smile playing at his lips.    


“We still have an hour before our train, is there anything you want to do?”    


Crowley shrugged, his red waves bouncing on his shoulders. “I don’t really know, you know what’s around here better than I do,” he pointed out, glancing around the little square, his gaze fixing on the tiny, frozen-over fountain for a few seconds before moving on. “Is there anything you normally do when you’re here?”    


“There’s this one vintage clothing shop I like a lot,” Ezra suggested, a little uncertain, his nerves made worse by Crowley’s interest in everything other than him. “If you like that kind of thing.”    


Then those eyes were on him again, that exhilarating smile spreading across Crowley’s face. 

“Yeah, that sounds really cool, actually.”    


Ezra brightened immediately, jerking his head toward the other side of the square. “Let’s go this way, then. There’s this really nice sweet shop next door, maybe we can go in there as well.”    


Crowley nodded, falling into step beside Ezra as they left the square and headed back into the main street. “Sure.” 

They walked in silence for a while, both of them concentrating on navigating the crowds. But every time Ezra looked up, he noticed that Crowley seemed suddenly disengaged, his eyes a little distant, his movements a little jerky. Ezra even had to catch his arm and gently pull him towards the shop door so he didn’t walk straight past. 

“Crowley? You okay?” Ezra asked gently, Crowley’s startled glance only serving to make him even more worried. “You seem out of it.” 

“Yeah, it’s just, um...crowds do me in,” Crowley mumbled, flashing a small, anxious smile, and Ezra nodded, squeezing his companion’s arm lightly. 

“Let’s go in, yeah? It doesn’t seem so busy in here. And we can head to the train station as soon as we’re done, if you like. We can sit in there and just relax.” 

“That would be nice,” Crowley managed, allowing himself to be gently towed into the shop, the anxiety on his face starting to fade as Ezra led him into the jungle of clothes racks. 

“If you see anything you like, I can pay for it, my mum gave me spending money for both of us,” Ezra announced, and Crowley shot him a nervous look.    


“I couldn’t-”    


“It’s Christmas,” Ezra cut in quietly, although his smile added plenty of emphasis to his words. “Let me get you something.” 

* * *

Despite Crowley's quiet and ultimately ignored protestations, they browsed the racks for a good while, laughing over some of the clothes they found and considering others carefully. Crowley ended up finding a pair of dark jeans that fit him perfectly. They were tight and high-waisted, but flared out at the ankles like something Elton John would wear. Ezra said this to Crowley, who laughed and flicked his hair back over his shoulder, striking a pose that, while joking, made Ezra's heart race in his chest. 

"Elton John wishes he could look this good." 

Ezra simply grinned and tried not to think about kissing him, leaning against the wall outside the dressing room. "He really would," he said sincerely, and Crowley blushed, slipping back behind the curtain to get changed - leaving Ezra still a bit breathless and uncertain if he'd said the wrong thing. 

When Crowley left the dressing room a few moments later, however, he was smiling, his hands in his coat pockets, the jeans draped over one arm. 

"Are you sure you don't mind getting them?" He asked, as Ezra slid them from his arm, flashing him a bright smile. 

"Of course not," he answered simply, and Crowley glanced around, letting out a slow breath. 

"Where was that shirt you liked? I think you should-" 

"It wasn't my size," Ezra interrupted quickly, turning away, but was stopped by Crowley's gentle hand on his shoulder. 

"Hey, it looked like it would fit," he said carefully, and Ezra couldn't quite look into those concerned eyes. "What's wrong?" 

Ezra pulled away, well aware that his smile was completely unconvincing. "Nothing, I just don't think it would fit, I just-" 

"It would, come on, I think you should try it," Crowley pushed a little harder, and Ezra shook his head quickly, his cheeks on fire as he took a step back. "Come on, tell me what's wrong," Crowley murmured, catching Ezra's wrist before he could turn away. 

He sighed heavily, looking down at the floor for a moment before moving closer to his friend again. "Fine, I just...it's on that borderline between what might fit me and what might make me feel really shitty about my body, okay?" 

Crowley hesitated, then shifted his weight, uncertain but sympathetic. "I think it'll look great, but if you really don't want to try, I won't push you," he said gently, and Ezra sighed, glancing up at his companion and then away quickly. "But Ezra, I really don't believe there's anything wrong with your body," Crowley went on quietly, and Ezra's breath caught in his throat, his eyes suddenly stinging. "I think you look great." 

Ezra turned away sharply, trying to ignore the way his hands were trembling as he willed himself not to cry in such a public place. "Alright," he managed after a moment, and Crowley grinned. 

"I'll go get it." 

A minute or two later, Ezra did up the last button and smiled at himself in the mirror. There was no tightness over his stomach or hips; the shirt simply hung comfortably, the sleeves hitting his wrists at the perfect length, even the pattern seeming somewhat slimming. 

He pulled the curtain aside and Crowley's eyes ran up and down his body, that beautiful smile widening. "How does it feel?" 

"It feels like there's an 'I told you so' coming," Ezra chuckled, and Crowley laughed as well, his expression bright and full of relaxed, easy enjoyment. 

"Maybe so." 

Ezra smiled, running his hands down the soft micro cord fabric before finally turning away and closing the curtain behind him. He slipped his sweater back on, then paid for the clothes and they left the shop in silence, Crowley's cheerfulness fading as soon as they stepped out into the crowds. Without thinking, Ezra grabbed his hand quickly and towed him next door, bundling him into the packed sweet shop. Crowley winced as he bumped into someone, but kept his grip on Ezra's hand, allowing himself to be guided to the counter. 

They got a mix of everything; the queue, although incredibly long, moving quickly and spitting them back out onto the chilly street only a few minutes later. Ezra looked up at Crowley, then down at his hand, and this time Crowley was the one to reach out, their cold, stiff fingers clasping around each other, slow, shy smiles spreading across both their faces. 

"Let's go home." 

* * *

Ezra had noticed Crowley dozing off on the train home - it wasn’t something he could easily ignore, not with the way his head nodded, and those golden eyes would blink open, sweet and sleepy. Every time he’d woken up again, he’d shot Ezra a glance, at which point Ezra would always make sure he was looking away, so as not to embarrass his friend. 

As soon as they got through the front door, Ezra kicked his shoes off and hung his coat up, then turned to Crowley. 

“You look exhausted, why don’t you take a nap?” he suggested, and Crowley smiled sheepishly, taking his own coat off carefully and hanging it on the peg beside Ezra’s. 

“Sure. Would you come keep me company, though?” He asked, and Ezra swallowed, the strength of the sudden jolt of emotion in his chest startling him. 

“Uh, yeah, if you like,” He smiled quickly, and Crowley nodded slightly, starting to lead the way back upstairs. Ezra mentally shook himself and followed hurriedly, finding Crowley crouched down by his bag, taking his pajamas out of it carefully. 

“Are you feeling alright?” Ezra asked quietly, going over to the bookcase and slipping a book out of it to set it on the bedside table. 

“Yeah,” Crowley answered simply, standing up and glancing towards his friend. “I just get tired easily when I get anxious.”    


“I can understand that,” Ezra smiled, sitting down on the edge of the bed and watching Crowley as he hesitated, uncertain.    


“I’ll um...go change in the bathroom, if that’s alright.”    


Ezra laughed, then immediately felt mean, quickly settling his expression back into a small smile. “Of course, you can do whatever you want,” he assured Crowley, who smiled in response, although it was rather weak. 

“Thanks.”

As the door clicked shut behind Crowley, Ezra let out a heavy sigh, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. He felt sick, unsure if Crowley was annoyed with him or offended, or anything, really. He dragged his hands down his face, then glared at the carpet, trying to shake the thoughts, trying to tell himself that he was just overthinking again, that everything would be fine, he was just imagining things. But it never really worked. He’d learned that a long time ago; distinguishing between anxiety and reality in social interactions was certainly not his strong point. 

The door swung open again, interrupting his thoughts, and he looked up as Crowley crossed the room silently, sitting down on the edge of the camp bed. He folded his clothes in his lap and tossed them onto the top of his suitcase, then looked up, smiling as he slipped his glasses off. 

“Do you mind if I draw the curtains?” He asked, and Ezra relaxed somewhat, nodding as he let out a slow breath. 

“Yeah, sure.” 

Ezra wanted to ask, he wanted to know if Crowley was okay, if they were okay, but he bit his tongue and just watched as Crowley drew the curtains and sat down on the bed again. He smiled at Ezra briefly, then laid down on his side, his back facing his friend. Ezra swallowed and tore his gaze away, moving to sit with his back against the headboard of his bed, his knees drawn up. He stared at the wall for a good few moments, trying to collect himself and shove those tangled emotions down deep before picking up his book and opening it on his knees. 

After about fifteen minutes of the camp bed creaking intermittently as Crowley tossed and turned, he finally sat up, hair wild, eyes half squinted. 

“This bed is awful,” he announced, and Ezra looked up from his book, smiling ever so slightly. 

“Oh, it is. Imagine sleeping on that in an actual tent,” he chuckled, and Crowley pulled a face, rubbing one of his eyes. 

“I don’t want to.” 

“You could come lay next to me if you want,” Ezra suggested without thinking, gesturing to the space beside him on the double bed. “It might be more comfortable,” he added quickly, cursing to himself silently as he felt the blush rising to his cheeks. 

Crowley's smile only made Ezra blush even more, that soft, happy excitement causing his heart to beat heavily in his chest. "That would be great, if you wouldn't mind." 

"Of course not," Ezra grinned, patting the bed beside him and watching as Crowley got up and walked over, crawling under the covers. He laid down on his side, facing Ezra, his eyes slipping closed as his long red hair spilled haphazardly onto the pillow. 

"What're you reading?" He asked softly, his voice already a little thick with sleepiness. Ezra chuckled, the blush still burning on his cheeks as he tried not to think too much about running his fingers through that beautiful hair. 

"It's for the book club, it's called  _ Far from the Madding Crowd _ _,"_ he smiled, watching Crowley as he shifted, curling up a little tighter. 

"Mm, sounds interesting," he mumbled, but Ezra could tell he was already drifting off, so he didn't reply, instead letting the silence settle as Crowley finally slipped into unconsciousness. 

Ezra kept watching him for a while, briefly considering laying down beside him and cuddling up to him, but decided it might be weird and went back to his book instead. 

* * *

Crowley woke up about an hour later, drawing in a deep breath as his eyelids fluttered, a slight smile spreading across his face. His hand came up, landing on Ezra's leg and making him jump slightly.

"Mm, sorry," Crowley mumbled, pulling himself up sleepily and rubbing his eyes as he drew his knees up into his chest. 

"Oh, it's okay," Ezra said hurriedly, putting his book aside and wishing wholeheartedly that he hadn't jumped when Crowley had touched him. "I don't mind. Are you feeling any better?" 

Crowley nodded, flashing Ezra a smile that made him melt a little inside. "Yeah, a lot better actually," he answered, just as the front door opened and shut downstairs, keys jingling. 

"That'll be my mum," Ezra announced, noticing the way Crowley tensed, his gaze turning to the bedroom door hurriedly. "I think she was going to make dinner tonight, I should let her know we've eaten." 

"Well, I wouldn't mind a snack in a bit," Crowley said quickly, and Ezra shot him a smile as he got up. 

"Okay, how about we go downstairs and figure it out?" 

"Sure," Crowley smiled, seeming a little uncertain, but willing. 

However, over the course of the evening, Crowley's uncertainty faded, and he began to relax, even with Ezra's parents. They ate dinner together - Crowley and Ezra having much smaller portions - and then played board games for the rest of the night. After a while, Crowley even felt comfortable enough to get a little competitive, a side of him Ezra hadn't seen before, but delighted in. He loved seeing those beautiful golden eyes so lit up, that smile so wide, that still soft voice much less timid. 

The small talk over dinner and the games flowed easily, and Ezra mostly just listened to everything he already knew about Crowley's course, his friends, his hometown. There wasn't really any new information, but Ezra did find it enjoyable to see Crowley chatting so confidently. 

Despite all the fun, Ezra began to yawn at about ten, so they headed upstairs and Ezra changed into his pajamas while Crowley was in the bathroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed, dragging his hands down his face just as he heard the door click. 

"You okay?" 

"Mm," he grunted in answer, then lifted his head and smiled at Crowley, who had changed back into his own pajamas - a baggy t shirt and sweatpants. "I'm just a bit tired. How are you feeling?" 

Crowley sat down on the camp bed, letting out a soft, happy sigh. "Pretty good, actually. I don't know how long it's going to last, but for now I feel okay. It was nice to get to know your parents a bit more," he smiled, and Ezra nodded slowly, looking down at the floor briefly. 

"Yeah, I'm really glad you were getting along with them so well, it was really fun," he agreed, climbing under the covers on his bed and laying back comfortably. "I'm exhausted now, though." 

"Me too," Crowley mumbled, accompanied by a chorus of creaks from the camp bed as he laid down. Ezra smiled to himself and flicked the light off, then settled back into the bed sleepily, his eyes slipping closed almost immediately. 

* * *

There was a soft sound coming from the other side of the room when Ezra woke, blinking in the darkness, the only light coming from his alarm clock, which declared it to be just after midnight. As his brain warmed up to full consciousness, Ezra began to realise what the noise was - muffled, sniffling sobs. He sat up quickly and called out in a whisper, his fingers curling around the edge of his blanket. 

"Crowley? Are you alright?" 

The crying stopped, and Ezra could see Crowley shifting in the dim light, slowly sitting up in bed. He sniffed a few times, then cleared his throat before speaking in a voice still thick with tears.

"N-no," he said simply, and Ezra sighed, closing his eyes for a few moments. 

"Have you slept at all?" 

"No," Crowley mumbled, then sniffed again, and Ezra nodded ever so slightly. 

"How about you come lay with me for a bit? Would that make you feel better?" 

Crowley didn't answer, choosing actions in favour of words and scrambling off his bed to hurry to Ezra's, slipping in under the covers beside him before Ezra could even really process what was happening. 

It only took him a second to realise, however, and he quickly rolled onto his side, pulling the slightly shaky Crowley into his chest. Crowley's arms tightened around him gratefully, no more tears coming just yet, but fingertips gently digging into Ezra's back. 

"I'm sorry," Crowley murmured, sounding a little calmer as Ezra began to rub his back slowly, awkwardly, unsure if he was doing the right thing or not. "I really did have a good time tonight, I just...I think having that distraction there and then suddenly removed really made me miss my own family." 

Ezra sighed, his grip on Crowley tightening ever so slightly, one hand sliding up to cradle the back of his head instinctively. "Oh, hon, I'm sorry. I can understand that, and it must be awful for you. But I'm right here, okay? I'm here with you and I'm listening." 

Crowley's breath hitched as he quickly buried his face in Ezra's shoulder, his fingers twisting in the back of Ezra's pajama shirt while he tried to press himself closer into his friend's arms. "I know, thank you. Thank you so much," he mumbled, his voice once again laden with emotion and muffled by Ezra's shoulder. 

"You're welcome," Ezra soothed quickly, swallowing the lump in his throat and struggling to keep his breathing even as he simply held Crowley tight. 

After a period that could have been a minute or an hour as far as either of them was concerned, Crowley began to pull away slightly, enough to see Ezra's face, that gentle hand still resting on his ribs. 

"Are you sure you don't mind if I sleep here?" 

"As long as you don't steal all the blankets," Ezra joked, reaching up and stroking the backs of his fingers down Crowley's cheek. 

"Mm, that feels nice," Crowley murmured sleepily, eyelids fluttering closed as Ezra stroked down again carefully, tenderly, the way his mum had when he was a young child. 

He felt an odd urge, a need to share, to bring himself closer to his friend. After all, Crowley had bared so much, shown all his weeping, open wounds, and Ezra couldn't help but feel that he should do his part, in some odd way. It felt wrong, knowing that Crowley knew so little about him while he seemed to know quite a lot about Crowley. 

So Ezra gave a shallow, contented sigh, and allowed his body to relax as he spoke, a soft smile spreading across his face. "Can I tell you a secret?" 

Crowley nodded slightly, not opening his eyes just yet, but curling his fingers against Ezra's back to show he was listening. 

"My dad isn't my dad. He's my stepfather. My biological dad left when I was five and my mum got remarried when I was seven. So he basically raised me, and I just call him my dad because he's more of a father to me than my biological father will ever be. I don't really tell many people that." 

Crowley shifted, opening his eyes to smile at his companion, although his expression was a little sad. "Thank you for sharing," he murmured, moving a little closer to Ezra and letting out a soft sigh when Ezra reached out and began to stroke his cheek again, over and over. 

"I trust you," he said simply, and Crowley's smile widened as his eyes closed once more. 

"Mm, I trust you too." 

Ezra didn't reply, letting silence settle around them as he kept stroking down Crowley's soft skin, watching him slowly relax more and more until he finally dropped off to sleep, his breathing becoming slow and deep. Then Ezra shifted closer to Crowley, close enough to feel his body heat, and closed his eyes, allowing himself to drift off, soothed by Crowley's presence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope you liked this one! I've gotten the Christmas chapter all ready to go, I'm going to go through the edits tomorrow and get it all queued up just in case I don't have much internet while I'm away over the next week, but I'm going to try to post it a little closer to Christmas, as a present for all of you lovely people!   
Hope you're all having a good holiday so far, whatever you celebrate! <3<3


	10. Chapter Ten

After that one special moment, Crowley slept in Ezra's bed every night, climbing in beside him and sometimes hugging him, sometimes just facing away from him to sleep. Ezra didn't mind either way; he was just glad Crowley was getting enough rest, and that he was comfortable enough with him to share a bed. 

Over the next few days, Crowley also seemed to get more and more comfortable around Ezra's parents and in the house, chatting more easily and fetching himself drinks and snacks without asking first. Ezra was overjoyed to see him feeling more at home, but didn't say anything to him just in case it made him uncomfortable. 

On Christmas Eve, they watched another one of Crowley's movies together, curled up in Ezra's bed, once again cuddling closer than Ezra could have dared to hope. They fell asleep not long after, still curled up together, and Ezra woke up the next morning with Crowley's head resting on his chest, red hair covering him like another blanket. 

Ezra chuckled to himself softly and carefully began to disentangle himself. He winced when Crowley stirred and curled up tighter, his brow furrowing briefly, but it smoothed out again as he easily slipped back into unconsciousness. 

"That's it," Ezra murmured, his chest suddenly full of some heavy emotion he couldn't quite place. "You're okay." 

He very gently slid out from under Crowley, letting his head down to the pillow as slowly as possible, and managing not to get his fingers tangled in that beautiful hair. Despite his best efforts, Crowley stirred again when he got up, letting out a deep sigh and opening his eyes slowly. 

"Good morning," Ezra smiled, and Crowley frowned sleepily, rubbing one eye as he looked up at his friend. 

His frown quickly melted into a smile and he sat up slowly, brushing his hair back over his shoulder. "Good morning, and merry Christmas." 

"You too," Ezra chuckled, stretching his back and sighing happily when it cracked. "Mm, that feels good. We don't usually get dressed in the morning, by the way. So you don't have to if you don't want to." 

"Oh, yeah. Thanks," Crowley murmured, rubbing his eyes for a moment or two before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and standing up. "Do you mind if I use the bathroom?" 

"No, go ahead. I'm going to go downstairs and make some tea, do you want some?" Ezra offered quickly, and Crowley paused in the doorway, glancing back over his shoulder. 

"Yes, please," he said softly, and the door swung shut behind him, leaving Ezra feeling oddly alone. 

He shook the feeling aside after a few seconds, however, and hurried down the stairs. He hummed to himself quietly while he shoved the kettle on to boil and got two mugs down from the cupboard. One was graced with a peppermint tea bag and half a spoon of sugar, the other with black tea, two sugars, and some milk on standby. 

Ezra let out a deep sigh and wandered into the living room, turning on the tree lights and checking all the presents were properly arranged under the tree. By the time he went back into the kitchen, the kettle had just finished boiling, so he filled the mugs and leaned back against the counter, letting his mind drift off onto random trains of thought while he waited. 

He was interrupted not long later with footsteps on the stairs, and looked up as Crowley walked into the kitchen, his glossy red hair freshly brushed and tumbling down his back and shoulders, his loose pajamas making him look very huggable and sweet. He smiled and Ezra swallowed, quickly handing him the peppermint tea to cover his embarrassment. This only made it worse, however, as Crowley looked down into the mug, then up again, golden eyes wide with surprise and endearment. 

"You remembered which one I like," he smiled, and Ezra felt his heart pounding in his chest, his throat a little tight at the wonder in Crowley's voice. 

"Of course," he managed, his voice a little quieter than usual. "It's easy to remember because of mint and Christmas," he went on in a slightly stronger tone, trying to sound dismissive as Crowley took a sip from the mug and smiled contentedly. 

"Even so. Thank you," Crowley murmured, and Ezra took a deep breath, doing his best to keep himself calm, despite the way Crowley's face relaxed into his default distant, sad expression as soon as they stopped talking. It was a little more intense than usual, and Ezra couldn't help the desperation clawing at the inside of his throat; desperate to keep that look off his friend's face, to keep him smiling and happy. 

"How about we go sit in the living room? My parents probably won't be long." 

Crowley nodded and followed Ezra into the living room, sitting down slowly and staring at the tree blankly for a few moments. 

"Crowley? You okay?" Ezra murmured, shaking Crowley out of his thoughts. He blinked and glanced at his companion, then nodded slightly, looking down at his hands. 

"Yeah...just sad," he mumbled, and Ezra took a deep breath, reaching over to rub his shoulder. 

"I'm sorry, hon. Do you want a hug?" 

Crowley sighed, dragging his hands down his face before shaking his head ever so slightly. "I don't really know. I'm not sure if it would help." 

"It might be worth a try," Ezra pointed out softly, and Crowley chuckled, leaning into him slightly. 

"True," he smiled, and Ezra wrapped an arm around him carefully, squeezing ever so gently as Crowley curled up slowly, leaning into him. 

"Any better?" Ezra asked after a short moment, and Crowley chuckled softly, letting his head drop to Ezra's shoulder. 

"Yeah, actually. Just a little bit." 

"Good," Ezra hummed, letting his eyes close up slowly, content in the feeling that he was making Crowley feel more comfortable, even just by some tiny increment. After a few minutes, they heard footsteps on the stairs, and Ezra looked up as his mum walked into the room, smiling brightly. 

"Hey guys, merry Christmas! How are you feeling?" 

Crowley forced a smile, slowly sitting up straight and rubbing his eyes once more. "Good, thanks. Merry Christmas to you too," he said quickly, and Ezra stroked his hair lightly, watching him in slight concern. Jane shot Ezra a look, and he just smiled sadly, then stretched. 

"What's the plan for breakfast?" He asked, just as Alex walked in, smiling at Crowley. 

"Good morning, and merry Christmas! Breakfast is pancakes this morning, I'm going to go get started on the batter. Can you guys make sure the table is clear?" 

"Yep," Ezra answered simply, gently pulling at Crowley's shoulder. "Come help me, it'll be nice." 

* * *

Breakfast was enjoyable as well as delicious, as Crowley seemed to relax and warm up as soon as they all sat down to eat, joking around and smiling a lot more. He'd even felt comfortable enough to have a playful fight with Ezra over the last pancake, which of course ended in them both having a half. 

When they went into the living room after breakfast, however, Crowley seemed to clam up again, his body language becoming a little more closed off, his smiles much more strained. Once they'd all sat down, Jane gently suggested to him that he could pass the presents out, and Ezra quickly offered to help, kneeling with Crowley in front of the tree. 

Crowley glanced up at him and Ezra's breath caught in his throat at the raw pain in his friend's expression, completely catching him off-guard with the sudden reveal. He didn't know what to do, he felt frozen and uncertain, even a little shaky, so he just pulled Crowley into a gentle hug, stroking his hair slowly as he buried his face in Ezra's shoulder. 

"I'm here, I know," Ezra murmured quickly, glancing towards his mum and pulling a face. She just smiled sadly in response and got up, walking toward the kitchen. Ezra sighed and turned his attention back to his friend, rocking him ever so slightly before starting to pull away slowly. 

Crowley let go of him reluctantly, but picked up a random present from in front of him as soon as the embrace was broken. He sniffed and checked the tag, then looked up at Ezra with slightly wet eyes. "It's for your mum."

"Yeah, I think I recognise that awful wrapping. I think this is one of the ones I did a couple weeks ago," Ezra chuckled, and Crowley cracked a tiny smile, pointing to a corner where the box had torn through the wrapping and Ezra had had to tape a little extra paper over the corner. 

"What happened here?" 

"Okay, okay, so I'm not good at wrapping gifts," Ezra giggled, and Crowley snorted, getting up carefully just as Jane walked back into the room with a mug of hot chocolate and a plate of biscuits. 

She set the plate on the coffee table and traded the hot chocolate for the present, gently urging Crowley to try the drink. He took a sip and smiled at her, his other hand wrapping around the mug in the most adorable way. 

"Mm, it's delicious, thank you," he said sincerely, and Ezra just smiled, relaxing as that happy, uncomplicated look came back to Crowley's face. 

They took their time with the presents, making sure everyone got to see what everyone else got, and enjoying the moment for as long as possible. About half an hour in, Crowley found the first present with his name on it. 

He read the label and looked up with wide eyes, blinking at Ezra in shock. "It says it's from you." 

"It does. Because it is," Ezra teased gently, and Crowley swallowed, looking down at it again, just for a moment, then up once more. 

"Can I…?" 

"Please do," Ezra murmured, this time without any trace of mocking in his voice. "I hope you like it." 

Crowley smiled to himself, the happiest he'd seemed for the whole trip, and carefully began to open the wrapping, methodically removing each piece of tape rather than ripping through the paper. Eventually, he slid the paper free from the red leather bound notebook and stared down at it, running his fingertips over the snake embossed on the front. 

"I saw it at this market and thought you'd-" Ezra began, but Crowley had already flung his arms around Ezra's neck, squeezing him tightly. 

"Thank you so much, Ez. It's perfect," Crowley rushed out, his voice a little thick, his fingers curling in Ezra's loose shirt. 

"Good, I'm so glad," Ezra murmured, and Crowley gently began to pull away, smiling at his friend with rather shiny eyes. 

"You didn't have to." 

"I know, but it's Christmas," Ezra chuckled, reaching out and gently tucking his hair behind his ear. "It didn't seem fair for you to have nothing to open, and I just knew you'd love that." 

Crowley smiled softly and looked down, stroking his fingers over the notebook once more. "You're a great friend." 

Ezra tried to swallow the rush of emotion in his chest, and just about managed to balance a smile on it, his whole being itching to pull Crowley into his arms once more. He resisted the urge and instead pulled another present from the pile, carrying it over to Alex. 

When all the presents had been handed out, Crowley stood up, but Jane leaned forward, frowning slightly. 

"There should be another one, is it right at the back, dear?" 

Crowley blinked and crouched down again, rooting around near the back of the tree and pulling out a small, soft parcel. He looked at the label and his eyes widened, already starting to shine with tears. 

"It's from you," he said to Jane and Alex, and Jane smiled, nodding slightly. 

"Yep. Go ahead and open it, hon." 

Crowley took a deep breath and carefully began to remove the tape, unfolding one end of the parcel and reaching inside to pull out a lovely scarf. It was a deep grey with a red floral pattern on it, and it was the softest material Ezra had ever touched. He'd helped his parents choose it after they'd said they wanted to get Crowley something, and he could see the tears welling up in Crowley's eyes. Ezra reached over and gently squeezed his arm, smiling as Crowley looked up at him quickly, his answering smile rather shaky. 

"Do you like it?" Ezra asked quietly, and Crowley nodded quickly, looking up at Jane and Alex with such intense, sincere gratitude. 

"Thank you both so much," he said hurriedly, his voice rather thick and strangled as he looked down again hurriedly, a single tear escaping and sliding down his cheek. Ezra immediately pulled him into a hug, one hand cradling the back of his head, one arm tight around his waist. 

"It's alright, hon," he murmured, and Crowley sniffed, gently clinging to the back of Ezra's shirt. 

"I'm sorry for crying," he mumbled, and Ezra just chuckled, kissing the side of his head. 

"Don't be silly. It wouldn't be Christmas without some crying, right?" He joked, and Crowley managed a soft little laugh, his grip on Ezra tightening just slightly. 

"I got you something, I should probably go and get it," Crowley announced after a moment or two of silence. Ezra shifted slightly, reluctantly letting go of Crowley as he began to pull away. 

"You didn't have to, I-" 

"I'm glad I did after such nice, thoughtful presents," Crowley said quickly, flashing a bright, but still slightly shaky smile. 

"We'll go and start on dinner," Jane smiled, getting up with Alex. "Leave you guys to it for a bit. There's plenty of Christmas movies and stuff on TV for free, maybe you could watch one of those for a bit?" 

"That sounds great, thanks Mum," Ezra smiled, watching Crowley as he hurried off towards the stairs. 

He returned a couple minutes later and handed Ezra a small wrapped parcel before collapsing onto the couch beside him, immediately curling up. Ezra flashed him a small smile and saw that nervous expression staring back at him. 

"I didn't have much money," Crowley announced quickly, then bit his lip hard, golden eyes worried. "I don't think it's as nice as your present." 

"That's okay," Ezra soothed with a bright smile, reaching over to squeeze Crowley's hand briefly. "It was really sweet of you to get me anything at all." 

Crowley blushed, but didn't say anything, so Ezra turned his attention to the present, carefully ripping the paper free from the contents. He pulled out three bars of chocolate, all in his favourite flavours, and grinned. 

"This is perfect, Crowley," he murmured, and Crowley swallowed, leaning into him slightly. 

"Are those the right ones?" 

"Yeah, you've been paying attention, haven't you?" Ezra chuckled, and looked up to see Crowley blushing even darker now, his cheeks almost as red as his hair. 

"Yeah, I wanted to get you the right ones," he mumbled, almost defensively, so Ezra leaned over and planted a soft little kiss on his cheek. 

"Thank you, they're perfect," he smiled. Crowley froze for a moment, then grinned and looked down, even more embarrassed, but seemingly happy. 

"I'm glad. How about one of these movies?" He suggested, and Ezra relaxed again, pleased that he hadn't upset Crowley with the impulsive kiss. 

"Yeah, let's find something to watch." 

* * *

They chose some random Christmas-themed romcom from the selection of free movies, and Crowley drifted off about half an hour in, curled up into Ezra's side with his head on his friend's shoulder. Ezra chuckled to himself and paused the movie, then carefully slipped out from under Crowley, slowly laying him down on the couch with a pillow tucked under his head. 

Ezra pulled a blanket over his sleeping form and wandered out of the living room, then into the kitchen. The smell of cooking hit him full in the face, along with the steamy air. His mother was stirring something in a pot, and looked up when he walked in. 

"Hey, Ez! You okay?" 

"Yeah, Crowley fell asleep, so I thought I'd see if you needed any help," Ezra smiled, leaning back against the counter. 

"He always seems to be sleeping, do you think he's okay?" Jane asked, glancing at him worriedly as she started to peel a stack of potatoes. Ezra got the other peeler out of the drawer and moved to stand next to her, picking up a potato from the pile. 

"I think so. I think being here is just overwhelming for him sometimes, and so he needs a lot of rest. I don't know, I don't really know what he's going through," Ezra sighed, putting his attention into his hands and letting himself just talk all the thoughts away. "I don't really want to know, either. In the sense that I'm glad I've never been through what he's dealing with now. I obviously want to be able to help him, but...I just don't really know what to do. He says just being around helps, but I want to do more." 

Jane shrugged, glancing at her son in quiet, simple concern. "Maybe you should suggest to him that he should be getting more help from someone else. Like a professional. There must be something at the university." 

"I'll talk to him about it, but I get the feeling he won't like the idea much," Ezra answered, setting a fully peeled potato to the side and picking up a new one. "I don't think he likes talking about it." 

"I can understand that, it must seem easier to just avoid those feelings." 

"Yeah," Ezra mumbled, then shook his head slightly. "I just want him to be okay. He's a really sweet friend." 

Jane laughed softly and gently elbowed Ezra's side. "Yeah? I've seen the way you look at him," she grinned, and Ezra groaned and rolled his eyes theatrically. 

"Not you too, I've had Anathema on at me for the past couple months about it, and now my own mother is turning against me!" 

"Not against you, Ez," Jane chuckled, waving her peeler in his direction. "I just want you happy. And I can tell he makes you happy. Even when you're worried about him." 

Ezra heaved a sigh and frowned, setting another peeled potato aside. "He does make me happy. But he's way out of my league, he's attractive and cool and has a great sense of style. I mean...he could have anyone he wanted, really. I don't really know why he'd want me." 

"You're far too hard on yourself, Ezra," Jane scolded gently. "I've said it a thousand times. Conventional standards of beauty aren't the only thing that matters, and I get the impression that Crowley doesn't care much for those anyway. Besides, there's no harm in trying. Just ask him." 

"Yeah, like the last time I did that, it worked out so well," Ezra answered sharply, his voice dripping with venomous sarcasm. "Getting called a bunch of slurs and then harassed for months isn't what I'd call harmful." 

"You know that's not what I meant," Jane said quietly, her voice so small and upset that Ezra immediately felt guilty. "Jamie was...that was a very different situation. And you know I wouldn't make light of that. I'm saying that there's no harm in trying with Crowley, he very clearly adores you, whether it's romantic or not, and it's not like he's going to turn out to be homophobic." 

"I just...I don't want to ruin what we have," Ezra protested weakly, but he knew it was mostly just an excuse. 

"You two are definitely far too close for that to happen," Jane soothed, watching Ezra as he picked up another potato. "You worry too much, sweetheart." 

"I know, I know," Ezra mumbled, managing a small smile as he shook his head slightly. "I can't help it." 

"If only," came the soft reply, along with a gentle hand rubbing over his shoulder. "Maybe try flirting with him a bit, drop some hints. See what you get back, yeah? Or just ask." 

Ezra felt the color rising to his cheeks immediately and swallowed hard, his hand slipping and almost cutting his thumb with the peeler. "God no! I'm  _ awful _ at flirting. And I can't just ask!"

"Ask what?" 

Ezra almost had a heart attack, whirling around to face Crowley as he stood in the doorway, rubbing one eye sleepily. 

"Oh! Hey, Crowley," Ezra said, a little too loud and a little too cheerful. "Don't worry about it. Are you hungry?" 

"Nah, just wondered if we could finish the movie," he answered softly, glancing at Jane with a slightly puzzled expression. Ezra swallowed the lump in his throat and smiled quickly. 

"Of course, let me just wash my hands," he mumbled, and caught the knowing look Jane gave him just as he turned away to the sink. He rolled his eyes to himself and washed his hands, giving himself a few seconds to calm down from the embarrassment of it all. Then he turned and smiled at Crowley much more calmly, walking towards him. "Let's go finish this dumb movie." 

* * *

That night, Crowley curled up in bed with Ezra without any hesitation, his red curls spilling over his cheek and shoulder, his smile soft in the dim light. 

"How do you feel?" Ezra asked gently, and Crowley's smile widened ever so slightly, his hands tucked under the pillow in front of his head. 

"Better than I thought. I didn't feel so good this morning, but being with your family was a really good distraction. And dinner was amazing."

"I'm really glad you're feeling better, I've been worried about you," Ezra replied sincerely, reaching over to brush a lock of Crowley's hair back from his cheek. "I'm so happy you decided to come." 

"Me too," Crowley murmured, and scooted forward, wrapping his arm around Ezra and hugging him tight. Surprised, Ezra embraced him just as firmly, squeezing him ever so slightly as Crowley buried his face in Ezra's chest. His fingers curled in the loose t-shirt Ezra was wearing, and suddenly he was crying again, soft, delicate little sobs shaking his shoulders. 

Ezra let out a slow breath, but didn't try to silence his friend, instead just gripping him a little tighter. 

"I know, it's alright," he murmured, starting to stroke Crowley's hair slowly and rhythmically. "I'm here, hon. I've got you." 

After a while, the tiny sobs trailed off into sniffs, and then into silence, and finally into quiet snores, Crowley's body relaxing against Ezra's, his grief finally letting go of him long enough to allow him the escape of unconsciousness. 

Ezra held him for a while longer, staring off at nothing, then gently laid Crowley out more comfortably and rolled over to face away from him so he could sleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it! And for anyone else, I hope you're having an amazing holiday!   
I'm not super happy with this chapter, but I hope you guys like it! Unfortunately there was no way I could rewrite this and still have it up for Christmas, which would sort of defeat the point in a way, so here it is as is.   
Anyway, I love you all, and as always, let me know what you thought! <3<3


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: non-consensual touching (not sexual), mild panic attack

A few days after Christmas, it was time to leave, and they headed to the train station together, keeping fairly quiet all the way back. Crowley seemed thoughtful and a little glum, but Ezra felt somehow that he shouldn't disturb him, so he didn't say anything, instead just leaving him to think. 

Once they got off the train, they walked to the bus stop and huddled up together, shivering in the cold wind. Luckily, the bus didn't take long to arrive, and they climbed into its warmth eagerly, taking seats near the front. Crowley leaned his head against Ezra's shoulder as soon as they sat down, and Ezra just smiled to himself. 

"I'm going to meet Anathema at uni, so we'll get off at the same stop," he announced softly, and Crowley just nodded, his eyes closing up slowly. Ezra let out a quiet sigh, but left him to it, playing a game on his phone until they finally pulled up at the right stop. 

They got off hurriedly, thanking the driver and walking off quickly, towards Crowley's accommodation. Ezra just kept following him, shoving down the urge to grab his hand, and let out a soft sigh of relief when he finally stopped outside his building. 

They stood there for a moment, silent and awkward, but Ezra quickly pulled Crowley into a tight hug, squeezing him gently. 

"I'm so glad you came," he murmured, even though he'd said it a hundred times already. 

Crowley hugged back just as tight, burying his face in the side of Ezra's head for just a moment. 

"Thank you," he mumbled, his voice a little muffled, then began to pull away slowly. As he backed off, Ezra reached up without thinking, resting a hand on one of Crowley's cold, flushed cheeks. Crowley's eyes widened briefly, and then he leaned in slightly. 

Panic fluttered in Ezra's chest and he pulled Crowley into another hug to cover his embarrassment and confusion, his fingertips digging into his friend's back as he cursed himself silently. Crowley pulled away fairly quickly, flashing Ezra a small smile. 

"I'll see you later," he said simply, and Ezra nodded, struggling to get any words out, to say anything. 

"Yeah, see you," he managed, but Crowley was already slipping through the front door, the click of it shutting and locking behind him sounding far, far too loud in the still winter air. 

"Fuck," Ezra muttered under his breath, then turned away sharply and headed for the bar. 

He found Anathema near the back, a glass of something bright blue and probably sickly sweet in front of her. 

"Hey," she smiled, but her smile faded slightly at Ezra's expression. "You okay?" 

"Not great," Ezra answered simply, slouching into the chair across from her and reaching over to take a sip from her drink. 

"Hey!" She chuckled, and Ezra just shook his head. 

"I'll pay you back. I'm pretty sure we almost kissed. Again. And I chickened out. Again."

Anathema's amused expression turned sympathetic and she sighed, watching Ezra take another long gulp from her drink. "I'm sorry, Ez. But maybe it's just not the right time yet." 

"And maybe I'm imagining things," Ezra groaned, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. "Maybe if I did reciprocate, he'd be shocked and...and…" Ezra swallowed, the tears bubbling up taking him completely by surprise, words echoing in his ears; nasty words, spoken in a shout, a drunken slur. 

"Hey, hey," Anathema said quickly, leaning across the table to gently pull his hands away from his face and hold them tightly. "It's not like that, I promise you. He likes you, I'm  _ sure _ of it, and the fact that you guys keep almost kissing is proof. But you just haven't found the right time to make it happen yet. Don't beat yourself up about it, okay? Now tell me how the week went, I'm dying to know." 

Ezra took a deep breath, wiping his damp eyes quickly before starting to talk. "He was really, really sad, which I expected. But I think he settled in by the end and seemed really comfortable with my parents. And he slept in my bed with me most nights, the camp bed was just too uncomfortable for him and I think he wanted the comfort."

Anathema raised an eyebrow and snorted. "And you still try to tell me he's not into you?" 

Ezra ignored this and just carried on, his voice a little thick. "He was really emotional when we gave him presents, it was really sweet. And my mum told me to start trying to flirt with him, which will obviously be a disaster." 

Anathema grinned and leaned back in her chair, shaking her head slightly. "Nah. You flirt like a nerd, but I get the feeling he has a thing for nerds." 

Ezra rolled his eyes and took another long sip of her drink. "I don't flirt like a nerd, because I don't flirt at all, I have no idea how." 

Anathema leaned forward again, shaking her head slightly. "You do flirt, you just don't realise you're doing it because you do it in a really genuine way. You look at him for so long, you listen to everything he says, you're always fetching things for him or trying to comfort him. You're always giving up things for him like letting him sleep in your bed or have some of your food. That's all flirting, according to some people. It's just...it's not because the reason you do it is that it's just part of your personality and how you treat your friends. Look, just start complimenting him more, holding his hand more often, touching his face, hair, arms, whatever. It shouldn't be hard for you, you can barely keep your hands off him as it is. And invite him to stuff. I'm going to this Christmas party tomorrow, bring him along. It's a post grad thing, so it's going to be fairly chill and small." 

Ezra sighed and dragged his hands down his face shakily. "Fine. I'm terrified of this kind of thing." 

"I know, Ez. But you'll be fine, okay? He's kind and lovely and sweet, and even if he's not into you, which I'm sure is not going to happen, then nothing will go wrong, I promise. Look at me," Anathema said softly, and Ezra obeyed, dropping his hands back to the table to look into her serious, but gentle eyes. "It won't happen again, okay? Not with him. It's a totally different situation, different person. Don't let that one bad experience stop you from being happy." 

Ezra nodded slowly, taking a deep breath. "I know, I'll try. But I need to talk about something else for a bit. How was your holiday? And how was Hanukkah?" 

Anathema smiled and leaned back in her chair once more, watching Ezra finish off her drink. "Yeah, it was good. It was nice seeing my family, but stressful as always. I'm glad to be back, I've just got to wait a couple days for Newt to get back so I can see him." 

"When does he get back?" Ezra asked, and the conversation finally turned away from Crowley altogether, allowing Ezra to relax at last, his thoughts occupied enough to stop drifting to Crowley. 

That evening, Ezra picked up his phone and typed out a quick message, hitting send after only a brief hesitation. 

_ Hey, hope you're feeling okay. I was wondering if you wanted to come to this party Anathema and I are going to tomorrow. It's not far from my place and it's going to be fairly small, mostly just post grads. Let me know if you'd like to come x  _

He sat there for a while, watching his phone, waiting for it to light up, but gave up after a few minutes and opened his laptop to start some random netflix show playing. After a good ten minutes, his phone buzzed and he snatched it up, unlocking it hurriedly.

_ Sounds good! I could do with the distraction atm lol. What time should I meet you? x _

Ezra typed out a quick reply and lay back on the bed, letting out a deep, happy sigh. He could do this, he could attempt to flirt. After all, most people managed it, so why not him? He closed his eyes and smiled to himself, allowing his mind to drift off into a fantasy of soft lips and fingers tangling in thick hair, that lovely sweet scent of perfume and warmth filling his world. 

The next evening, Crowley arrived exactly on time, ringing Ezra's doorbell at eight thirty. Ezra clattered down the stairs, but Anathema had already opened the door. 

"Oh, Crowley, you look stunning!" She exclaimed, and Crowley laughed softly. 

"So do you," he answered shyly, then cleared his throat and paused for a second. "I wanted to look extra special tonight." 

"Well, you've achieved it," Anathema grinned, and Ezra stepped off the last stair, his eyes widening as Crowley slipped through the door. He was wearing a beautiful black dress with red detailing, the belt cinching his slim waist studded with red rhinestones, the asymmetrical hem causing the dress to flow around him as he moved. The dress itself was sleeveless, with a high neck, and Crowley's hair was pulled back in a perfectly messy french plait, leaving his elegant frame on show. He looked up at Ezra and blushed immediately, setting his backpack down on the floor. 

"Hey," Ezra said quickly, forcing the words out through his shock and managing a rather shaky smile. 

"Hey," Crowley answered softly, smiling back nervously and jumping when Anathema squeezed his shoulder. 

"How about we head out? Are you ready, Ez?" 

Ezra mentally shook himself, blinking a few times as he grabbed his coat off the peg and shoved his keys into his pocket. 

"Yeah, let's go." 

They walked together in relative silence, Crowley's heels clacking on the pavement. Anathema was walking in front, Crowley and Ezra side by side, and Ezra's hand was constantly itching, desperate to reach out and grab Crowley's, but he resisted, not sure how his friend would react. 

He seemed a little distant, thoughtful, and Ezra wasn't quite sure whether to try to distract him or leave him to it, and by the time they reached the party, he still hadn't decided. 

They walked inside and Anathema immediately headed off to find a particular friend, leaving Crowley and Ezra feeling rather lost in a large crowd. Crowley glanced over and Ezra made a decision at last, gently taking his hand and towing him down a hallway that turned out to have a kitchen down it. 

There were some cups set out, along with some bottles of soda, so Ezra poured them each a coke and smiled at Crowley as he took the first sip from his cup. 

"This is the nice thing about parties like this, you can actually hear yourself think," Ezra chuckled, the music coming from somewhere in the house still sounding fairly loud, but muffled enough to have a conversation at a fairly normal volume, at least in the kitchen. 

Crowley nodded, looking a little panicky, so Ezra just moved a little closer to him, reaching up to rub his bare shoulder. "Are you alright? We can go home anytime, if you ever need."

"I'm okay," Crowley mumbled, glancing around nervously and leaning toward Ezra slightly. "I just need some time to adjust to being here." 

"Okay, well, I'll just hang out with you, okay? I don't really know that many people here anyway." 

They stayed in the kitchen for a while, watching the world go by until Crowley began to relax, at which point they made their way into the living room. Anathema ambushed them as soon as they walked through the door, gently grabbing Crowley's wrist and pulling him over to a small group of people. Ezra followed hurriedly, noticing the panicked expression on Crowley's face, and came to stand beside him just as Anathema began the introductions. 

"That's Raven Sable, he's doing a PhD in something to do with medicine. And that's Duke Hastur, but everyone just calls him Hastur because Duke is a dog's name. He's doing a masters in accounting." 

"It's nice to meet you," Raven said formally, reaching out and shaking Crowley's hand. 

Crowley smiled nervously, just as Ezra felt a light touch on his shoulder and turned to face Gabriel, who smiled at him rather too brightly. 

"Hey Ezra, how's it going?" 

Internally, Ezra was rolling his eyes, but he tried to be polite, smiling back ever so slightly. "I'm fine," he said simply, and Gabriel moved a little closer, his smile widening even more. 

"Maybe you'd be better than fine if you'd come talk to me for a bit. I could get you another drink?" 

"I'm fine with the one I have, thank you," Ezra answered, but his patience was already getting a little thin. He glanced over at Crowley and, although he looked away hurriedly, this time Ezra could see the anger written all over his expression; possessive, jealous anger. 

"Are you sure? You look like you're running low," Gabriel tried, and Ezra just sighed. 

"I'm sure, I'm not that thirsty," he said shortly, and tried to turn away, but Gabriel caught his arm and leaned up quickly to kiss his cheek. Ezra couldn't help himself; he jerked away slightly, his lip curling as Gabriel turned and walked away.

What he didn't see behind him was Anathema gently grabbing Crowley as he lunged towards Gabriel, but Ezra did hear the scuffing of shoes on the wooden flooring. By the time he turned around, however, Crowley had calmed down, his cheeks burning bright red, his hands shoved in his pockets as he stared at the floor. 

Ezra swallowed, suddenly feeling rather overwhelmed and even a little shaky. "I'm going for a smoke," he announced hurriedly, and Crowley looked up sharply. 

"I'll come." 

By the time they made it out front, Ezra's shakes has gotten worse, exacerbated by the stress of having to push his way through the crowd, so he dug the packet out of his pocket hurriedly, pulling a cigarette out and placing it between his lips shakily. He tried to light it, but he couldn't get his fingers to work properly, and the more he tried, the worse the shaking got, until Crowley's hand closed around his. Crowley looked much calmer, all the anger gone from his expression and replaced with a gentle concern. He took the lighter from Ezra carefully, and lit the end of his cigarette for him, then handed the lighter back and moved away slightly. 

Ezra blew the smoke away from him, then took another hurried drag, closing his eyes as he tried to stop shaking. He jumped slightly when he felt a hand on his back, then Crowley's side pressed against his. 

"What's wrong, Ez?" 

Ezra blew the smoke away again, then opened his eyes and stared down at the grass under his feet sullenly. "Gabriel made me really uncomfortable," he admitted quietly, flicking the ash off his cigarette before taking another long drag. "I don't like being kissed like that when I'm not expecting it. And he just doesn't seem to be able to take a hint." 

"Yeah, and as far as he knows, he's hitting on a straight guy," Crowley commented, shivering slightly. Ezra glanced at him and realised he was still only wearing a sleeveless dress, his breath clouding in the air in front of him. 

"Yeah, definitely makes it worse," Ezra mumbled, then shoved the cigarette back between his lips and shrugged his coat off, quickly wrapping it around Crowley's shoulders. 

Crowley smiled at him, his cheeks a little flushed, his eyes soft. "Thank you." 

Ezra smiled back, feeling something inside him going a little melty. "You're welcome," he murmured, his cigarette dangling forgotten between his fingers. "Are you doing okay?" 

"Yeah, that Raven guy seems nice, he was talking to me for a bit. Hastur as well, they seem like nice people." 

"Good," Ezra smiled, doing his best to ignore the little flash of jealousy. After all, Crowley really didn't have that many friends, and he could do with making a few more. It was about his benefit, not about Ezra's selfishness. 

"I think I'd still rather be watching a movie in bed with you, but it's nice to meet new people as well," Crowley chuckled, and Ezra swallowed hard, staring at him for a moment before smiling rather too brightly. 

"Yeah, meeting new people is good," he answered hurriedly, then swore as the cigarette burned down enough to singe his fingers. He dropped it immediately and stomped it out, then looked up at Crowley, embarrassment flooding through him. Crowley just laughed, his smile bright, his whole posture relaxed and comfortable. 

"You idiot," he said fondly, and Ezra felt his cheeks flush, his body feeling a little too warm, even in the cold night air. 

"You were distracting me," he protested hotly, and Crowley just grinned, then tilted his head, his smile fading into seriousness.

"Are you feeling okay now?" 

Ezra shrugged, closing his eyes for a few seconds as he tried to calm down. "I don't know," he answered honestly. "I feel like I probably shouldn't be this upset about it, I mean...it was only a short conversation and one kiss, I just…" he trailed off helplessly, and Crowley gently took his burned hand, squeezing it ever so lightly. 

"Hey. There's no 'should' when it comes to your personal boundaries. It made you uncomfortable, and it's okay to be upset about that, I promise," Crowley soothed, running his thumb over the back of Ezra's hand. Ezra managed a small smile and a nod, and was carefully pulled into a tight hug, Crowley's long-fingered hand sliding up into his soft curls. 

"It's alright," Crowley murmured, and Ezra relaxed into the embrace, hugging back just as delicately. 

"Thank you," he mumbled, and Crowley began to pull away gently, one hand drifting over to rest on Ezra's cheek. Then he leaned in confidently, but slowly enough to allow Ezra time to protest, planting a kiss on the other side of his face. 

Ezra blinked in shock, then grinned, knowing the feeling of Crowley's lips against his skin wouldn't fade for at least a good few minutes. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, joy and surprise filling him with adrenaline. 

"How about we go back inside?" Crowley suggested with a smile, and Ezra nodded, still a bit dazed, then followed Crowley back into the house and the noise and the warmth. 

After a while, Ezra was chatting to Anathema comfortably, Crowley at his side, but talking to Raven in the same easy, confident tones. He touched Ezra's arm lightly, then smiled at him. 

"I'm going to get another drink, I'll be back," he announced, and Ezra nodded, watching him go briefly. As soon as he was gone, Anathema grabbed his arm and towed him into a more quiet corner. 

"I saw you guys through the window," she announced excitedly, grinning at him. "You need to kiss him! Like, yesterday!" 

Ezra blushed bright red and swallowed, the idea sending horrible nerves running through him. "I...I don't...I don't think I can yet." 

"He's so into you!" Anathema protested, and Ezra shrugged, looking down at his feet. 

"I'm still not sure. Maybe it's just his way of being friends." 

"Come on, Ez, you're just looking for reasons not to now. He kissed you, you idiot!" 

"Look, I just...I need to sort myself out," Ezra sighed irritably, shaking his head slightly. "I still don't feel ready."

"He's going to get sick of waiting at some point," Anathema pushed, and Ezra swallowed hard, glancing towards the door nervously. 

"It won't be long. Just...just a couple more weeks, at most." 

Anathema arched an eyebrow. "I'll remember you said that and remind you in two weeks," she said flatly, then smiled and reached out, patting Ezra's cheek patronisingly. "You can do it, you just need to find some hidden reserve of confidence buried in you somewhere. I don't think he's one to make any first moves." 

"Unfortunately not, no," Ezra mumbled, staring down at the floor as Anathema stepped back slightly. 

"It'll be fine, Ez. Come on, no moping allowed, it's a party," she chuckled, and Ezra just rolled his eyes. "How's that essay going?" 

Immensely relieved by the change of subject, Ezra dove into this new line of questioning eagerly, and remained chatting to Anathema for a good ten minutes or so before realising he still hadn't seen Crowley come back. He glanced around the room briefly, and just as he was about to step away to go find him, Crowley wandered through the living room door, looking a bit dazed. 

He made his way over to Ezra slowly, gently grabbing at his arm and laughing softly as he leaned towards him. 

"Hey," he grinned, and Ezra wrinkled his nose slightly, a familiar scent that he couldn't yet place washing over him. 

"Hey, everything okay?" Ezra asked, and Crowley giggled, his eyes a little red, his fingers pressing into Ezra's arm a little too hard. 

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" 

Ezra sighed and began to herd him towards the front door, gently guiding Crowley outside into the cool night air, ignoring his snorted and chuckled protests. 

"It's cold out here," Crowley whined as soon as they were outside, but Ezra ignored him, gently gripping his forearms. 

"Hey, focus. Look at me, Crowley," Ezra ordered firmly, and Crowley blinked at him dazedly, then smiled brightly. 

"Yeah?" 

"Did you take something?" Ezra asked urgently, and Crowley's face went blank for a second, then collapsed into laughter, hiccuping, snorting laughter. 

"Y-yeah, I did!" He giggled, leaning into Ezra slightly as he spoke. "I had like a whole joint!" 

Ezra let out a relieved sigh and gently took one of his hands, lacing their fingers lightly. 

"Come on, let me get you home," he murmured kindly, and Crowley glanced back towards the door, then frowned. 

"What about Anathema?" 

"I'll message her," Ezra smiled, although it was a little strained due to his concern for his friend. "Let's go." 

Although Crowley kept getting distracted or trying to wander off, Ezra managed to get him home fairly quickly, guiding him through the front door just as his giggling went quiet. 

Crowley glanced around nervously as the door swung shut behind Ezra, and was suddenly tense, his jaw clenched, his eyes fearful. 

"You okay?" Ezra asked slowly, and Crowley swallowed hard, glancing around again. 

"I d-don't know...I feel like...is there someone else here?" 

Ezra sighed softly and wrapped his arm around Crowley's waist, pressing their sides together so he could lead him towards the stairs as gently as possible. "No, hon. There's no one else here, you're just having a bad experience. Come on, let's get you in some comfortable clothes." 

As they climbed the stairs, Crowley seemed to get more and more panicked, his face going white, his body shaking, his breath heavy and shallow. Ezra carefully led him into the bedroom and sat him down on the bed, then began to stroke his hand up and down his back slowly. 

"Hey. It's alright, hon. I'm here, I'm not going to let anything hurt you," he murmured softly, and Crowley squeezed his eyes shut, his fingers curling tighter as he tried to fight the meaningless, thoughtless panic. 

His chest heaved, his hands shook, and Ezra hugged him tightly, one hand cradling the back of his head as he started to rock him slowly. 

"Shh, it's alright," he murmured softly, feeling Crowley's trembles start to abate, his body becoming more and more relaxed as he calmed down and pressed himself into Ezra's arms. "I've got you, hon. It's all okay. Just took too much, yeah? That's all," he continued, keeping his voice soothing and gentle as Crowley carefully pulled away from him, still looking intensely anxious. 

"Can we lie down?" 

"Of course," Ezra said quickly, slipping his shoes off and moving to lay down, one arm propping his head up as Crowley pulled his shoes off with a bit more difficulty, then fell down to the bed, grabbing at Ezra with sleepy fingers. 

Ezra drew him back into a tight hug, nuzzling the side of his head lightly. 

"Everything's okay, try to get some sleep," he murmured, and Crowley pressed himself even closer to Ezra, his body slowly starting to go limp as the exhaustion of such intense panic crept in. He was asleep in minutes, snoring ever so softly as Ezra just held him for a while, thinking about how he had planned to put Crowley up on the couch. He didn't think about it for long, however, as he had to admit that this was preferable. Eventually, he gently disentangled himself and rolled over to sleep, dropping off easily, soothed by the sound of Crowley's slow, even breathing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry it's been a while, I've had a bit of trouble with the editing, but here's the next chapter, anyway.  
I do have some good and bad news, so I'll go with the good first. 
> 
> I have been working on a new story I like a lot, and has been going well so far, it's an a/b/o AU which I know isn't everyone's cup of tea, so it would be nice if you guys could let me know if you might be interested, as I'm debating whether to post it or not. It's not really a traditional storyline for that type of fic and features another trans character. It is more angsty than LCRPA by quite a bit, and has some similar themes. So do let me know if you might be interested - I'll answer any questions as well. 
> 
> The bad news is that I might be putting this story on hiatus for a bit. I've lost a lot of my enthusiasm for it and writing it feels more like work at the moment. That's partly why I'm thinking of posting the other story - I like having something on the go. But for now this story isn't really doing it for me and if I'm not enjoying it, I feel like I can't do my best work. This isn't a done deal, I'm still figuring out what I want to do, so don't panic yet, but I just wanted to give fair warning. 
> 
> Love to you all!


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